MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

Chael Sonnen Calls Out Daniel Cormier, Instead Gets Silva Fight Moved to Brazil [TWIST!]

Depending how you look at it, Chael Sonnen‘s offer to step in for Rashad Evans against Daniel Cormier at UFC 170 was either an act of extreme bravery or extreme cowardice — further proof that Sonnen is the most fearless man in the UFC or that he is one desperately trying to get out of Brazil in one piece A.S.A.P. Personally, I choose to believe the former, because if Chael Sonnen was brave enough to march head first into enemy territory to promote a reality show that no one watches, there’s no way a little on-set scrap would be enough to scare him away.

Sonnen’s valiance aside, Cormier would have demolished the Gangster From West Linn inside 3 minutes. You know this. I know this. Sonnen knows this. Chael P. was thoroughly overpowered by Evans and Jon Jones at light heavyweight, and against Cormier he’d be fighting an Olympian dropping down from heavyweight. They’d need a spatula to peel him off the canvas by the time all was said and done.

Realizing this, the UFC has denied Sonnen’s request, instead re-scheduling Evans vs. Cormier for UFC 172 (this is unconfirmed) and moving Sonnen vs. Wandy from UFC 173 in Las Vegas to a yet-to-be-named event in Brazil the following weekend.

As Happy Gilmore would say, “Talk about your all-time backfires.”

But there is good news. In return for Sonnen’s chances of survival dropping from 90% in America to 0.05% in Brazil, the matchup will be given top billing at the TBA event. So at least Sonnen will be shipped back to America in the nicest casket available (a nice cabreuva, perhaps. Mmmmmm…)

Who am I kidding? Sonnen cannot be killed by conventional weapons or mere mortals. Submitted yes. TKO’d yes. But killed? Not in our lifetimes. Not in anyones. Chael Sonnen is so badass that he will start a fight while starting a fight. He’s like the Xzibit “Yo Dawg” meme wrapped in 200-odd pounds of pure machismo and violence, and the only thing that he’s heard you liked is getting your lily ass kicked. Chael Sonnen would fight Junior Dos Santos with *five* broken ribs, and walk sixteen miles in the snow both ways to get there.

Whether you’ll admit it or not, you would follow Chael to the gates of Hell. And once he had bitch-smacked Lucifer and told the nearest she-devil to make him a rusty nail sandwich, only then would you know true greatness. All hail Chael. All hail Chael.

-J. Jones

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