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15 Moments of Instant Regret [GIFs]

Chael Sonnen: Future NSAC Advisor, and Other Lowlights From Today’s NSAC Hearing


(“I’d like to present the commission with exhibit A, and remind them that they are standing in the presence of greatness.” Photo via Getty.)

At this point, I’m convinced that Chael Sonnen could literally crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side. His ability to put on a fancy suit and speak in slightly nuanced platitudes without the necessity of a translator has apparently cast a spell over MMA fans, fighters, promoters, and commissioners, from which they will never wake up.

Case in point, at today’s NSAC hearing — you know, the one where Vitor Belfort was granted a fight license because whatevs — Sonnen was handed down his punishment for failing two random drug tests in a row prior to UFC 175. After thankfully opting against a defense (outside of whatever this was) for his drug test failures, Sonnen was raked over the coals by the commission for “trying to flat out cheat the system.”

“You don’t get to stop one prohibited drug and start using five prohibited drugs,” said the Assistant AG of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, “You’ve gotten to be kidding me that you’re sticking a needle in you with EPO and HGH and didn’t know it was prohibited.”

Surely, a swift punishment was just moments away.

LOL NOPE. Despite facing a potential lifetime ban from MMA and fines totaling upwards of $250,000, the NSAC opted to slap Sonnen with a (completely meaningless now that he’s retired) two year suspension and a fine totaling 0.00 dollars. Then they offered him a f*cking job. Ahh, sweet justice!

A few other lowlights from today’s hearing…

That’s NSAC chairmen Bill Brady, publicly clarifying the conflict of interest that did not prevent him from playing a determining role in Sonnen’s punishment. Part of me thinks Brady only said this because the members of NSAC, not unlike some members of the MMA media, are just marks who only pursued the careers they did so they could brag to their friends that they are “homies” with semi-famous athletes.

“I would like the record to reflect that Mr. Sonnen *will* be in attendance at my niece’s quinceanera this weekend and that hilarious selfies will be taken.”

You hear that guys? The NSAC plans to work Sonnen “like a farm animal.” Without pay or anything! Well, except he’ll probably be paid handsomely for his services, which totally *won’t* involve helping other athletes learn how to beat the system he now holds a position in.

THIS JUST IN: Edward Snowden Hired as New Director of the NSA

FYI, those words were “Boom Baby!”

Sonnen’s punishment will of course have no effect on his upcoming Metamoris match, so tune in on August 9th to see what it’s like when a BJJ legend rolls with a disgraced MMA fighter loaded to the gills on steroids. My prediction: CHAEL SMASH!!

-J. Jones

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