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Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions For 2011

("…three…two…one…Happy New Year! Damn, take it again, Brock had another stroke.")

By contributor Jason Moles

2010 is in the books, and MMA fans and fighters alike have endured tremendous highs and lows. Who would have guessed that The Last EmperorBrock Lesnar, BJ Penn and the WEC would all collapse this year? Who could imagine that Chael Sonnen would accuse Lance Armstrong of giving himself cancer, then test positive for a banned substance? Ironic? You bet. But enough about last year — a new decade is upon us. Here are ten predicitions that will sound ridiculous until they actually happen in 2011…

1. MMA will be sanctioned in New York.
While watching WEC bid adieu, I couldn’t help but notice the commercials for the PBR (Professional Bull Riding) at MSG (Madison Square Garden). Pro bull riding averages 1 to 2 deaths per year — that’s not including amateurs, sometimes children, participating at the county fair. Regardless of what Bob Reilly has to say, this is a no-brainer that only the likes of the M-1 management team could foul up. MMA will be sanctioned in New York in ’11, even if we have to blackmail a senator to make it happen.

2. GSP will relinquish his Welterweight title to change weight classes.
Jake Shields blah, blah, blah — Georges St. Pierre is indestructible and will wipe the floor with him, or at least dry hump him to death. With his ‘le-gacy’ secured, he can bump weight classes and test the waters in the process in becoming the best mixed martial artist from Canada with an extra ‘s’ in his name OF ALL TIME.

3. Dana White will coin a new phrase. 
"You want to be a %^&@$#! fighter?" and "Never leave it in the hands of the judges." will be replaced by something catchy like "Don’t cross the boss." Oh, wait, that one’s already taken. How about "Go big or go home," or "Suns out, guns out"? I never said it would be original — just catchy.

4. At least two more Ultimate Fighter winners will lose their jobs
This one doesn’t seem like a stretch. With all of that WEC talent now on deck, some hard decisions are going to be made with the UFC’s roster. That includes fighters getting cut after boring wins — yes, wins — and some of the reality show trophy-winners being left out in the cold. Joe Stevenson, Kendall Grove, and James Wilks are on the bubble, and that sum’bitch is about to pop.

5. Strikeforce version of TUF: Mayhem Monkeys vs The Entire 209 
Just checked Google and I guess that MTV host has a major beef with some Diaz guy and his whole posse. From what I saw on YouTube these two really don’t like each other. Maybe, just maybe, Scott Coker can get these two on a TUF-esque show. I’m sure Bjorn Rebney can even get it on MTV2 for some sort of co-promotion. The ratings would be high enough and the exposure great enough that Strikeforce might actually bridge the gap between them and the powerhouse that is UFC 3.0.

6. The UFC will hold an event in Mexico 
Never mind those annoying drug cartels. The people want to see Cain Velasquez with his heavyweight strap in tow fight in the land of fiestas. During the UFC 121 celebrations, Velasquez was mobbed in L.A. by his "Brown Pride" brethren. With guys like Tito Ortiz, Miguel Torres, and Señor Chael, who could also fight on the card, it’s a sure cash-cow.

7. A famous athlete will cross over into MMA 
(Throws arrow at list of chubby, washed up, former all-star athletes.) Your guess is as good as mine. NFL lockout = Players without a paycheck. I don’t care who it is as long as they’re better than Johnnie Morton.

8. The UFC will land a network television deal.
This is one of those times when MMA fans can benefit from the down economy. What with the horrible scripts and bad acting clogging up prime time television, Mixed Martial Arts is just what the doctor ordered. Dana’s always said he’s been waiting for the time to be right or the right deal to come along. MMA will be the Saviour to the networks when advertisers pull out as news breaks about the NFL lockout next season.

9. Another notable MMA chick will bare all in Playboy
Wishful thinking? Of course. But with Rachelle Leah stripping off in 2008, and Arianny Celeste answering our prayers this year, the odds are on our side. Smart money: Miesha Tate. Dark horse candidate: Brittney Palmer.

10. Cage Potato will win ‘Media Source of the Year’ at the World MMA Awards 
OK, Ben is paying me to write this last one. But is it really that far of a stretch? If Sarah Palin can get her own TV show why can’t CP get this award? The Bum Rush Radio Show is competitive to the MMA Hour, MMA Junkie Radio or Beatdown any day of the week. CP’s editorial staff may not also write for the Wall Street Journal or some fancy network sports site, but they do get guys like Gerald Harris and Roy Nelson to stop by and lace us with a fighter’s perspective. Besides, none of that really matters because the World MMA Awards are rigged and we can all pitch in and buy the award. That will teach Fowlkes to leave us.

Got any other wild MMA predictions for 2011? Let us know in the comments section…

Cagepotato Comments

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Numbers Dooner- February 17, 2011 at 11:34 am
I do believe astrology is just a joke these days. This site is all right, certainly not the top, although ok. Then again, other sorts of internet sites to choose from usually are just such a rip-off nowdays. Take a look at this one -- Catalog of human population birth day -- encourages for you to “control and also manipulate individuals born August 1 leap years or August 2 common years, and also men and women born on all other dates of the year”. Really?
cityvville- February 12, 2011 at 10:05 pm
You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I'm looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!
ghostboner- December 22, 2010 at 7:05 pm
*to be read in Andy Richter's voice* In the year 2000....

...Andrei Arlovski will KO overeem to take the SF title, and later the UFC HW strap.

...Marloes Coenen will marry some internet commenter named "ghostboner"

...Justin Timebrlake vs Spencer Pratt will replace Kimbo Slice vs Petruzelli as the most watched mma fight in history. After beating Pratt's ass into a living death, Timberlake will fuck his plastic-ey girlfriend just for good measure.

...Someone will make an mma themed movie that isn't total dog shit.

...Steroids will be legalized completely, and all the dirty fucking juiceheads will have to start eating horsemeat and drinking all the piss they can get their roidy hands on to get a competitive edge.

...Chicks with dicks will be allowed to maul chicks without dicks for entertainment purposes. Oh, wait, that already happened? Ok then.

...Chael Sonnen will grow a sack.

...Nick Diaz will get invited back to the UFC, and he will have to fight his brother Nate for #1 contender status to Carlos Condit's title. All the people who used to bitch about teammates not fighting will collectively say "Aww man you want him to fight his brother? That's fucked up, nawmean?" Nate will win a controversial stoppage victory, and he and Nick will get into a brawl at the hospital.

...Arianny Celeste will get fired, except for her boobs, which are contractually obligated to the UFC for life.

...ShaunDella will pose for (EDIT) Hustler, in what Bas Rutten will call "de most epic dick tuck in mma history". He will later correct this to include the guy who said he was gonna sue Mayhem for assault.

...Mauro Ranallo will yell "That was a wicked googily" at least once.

...Chuck Liddell will cut to 185 for his final fight, and he will knock Anderson Silva out. Shamed and titleless, Anderson will then move up to 205 and wreak havoc. After beating Jon Jones into a living death, Dana will personally give his hype/hope a ride to the hospital, where Jones will inform police that during the ride Dana exceeded the speed limit, double parked, and is using Propecia without a prescription.

...Brock Lesnar will come on the Bum Rush Radio show.

...I will finally receive recognition for my amazing work on the photoshop contest for the UFC in Abu Dhabi in May or whenever that was.

dranokills- December 21, 2010 at 9:16 pm
My penis will read: "greetings from Jamaica mon - DRANO!"
rlh61- December 21, 2010 at 8:36 pm
ghostboner = pure, evil, genius
Organ Donor- December 21, 2010 at 7:08 pm
The UFC pays for Roy Nelson's liposuction and colon cleansing. By year's end he battles into the light heavyweight mix.

To the bank, bitches.
El Guapo- December 21, 2010 at 3:42 pm
UFC JayT replaces MRuss??

Yazloz18- December 21, 2010 at 1:54 pm
@ RSparrow

I think the acid was the reason for all that rolling around the cage during the Cain fight
Videodrome_NOW- December 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm
You know that I will have to call you Fred now because everytime I see your name it is going to make think of some, drunk, greasy, tattoo artist, struggling to hold on to a dick like it was a wet fish, breathing heavy, as he permanently scratches the words "Fred Taco" ever so meticulously into soft, mushy flesh. And an innocent, young boy pleading with not just his lips, but also his eyes, that he had found an artist with proper grammar.

And it brings the warmest of smiles, to my face.

(*Ed. Note
I just turned the gaynesss up to 11 in here.)
glassjawsh- December 21, 2010 at 12:05 pm
please God let it be miesha tate
GILL-uh-TEEN- December 21, 2010 at 11:09 am
CagePotato will hire Henry Rollins to write articles under the Pseudonym 'Ben Folks' to shut up the masses.
Lysol- December 21, 2010 at 10:13 am
@miles and kid clam

I'll hold you to that claim, because #s 2,4,6 and 7 all seem realistic to me. Especially with all the NFL players training at Xtreme Couture and Hayemaker and Pacman dabbling in MMA when they're not boxing
Lysol- December 21, 2010 at 10:09 am
Gina Carano will come out of hibernation to crush some can no one's ever heard of. And Strikeforce will not put that fight on a Challengers card in order to air this on a card people will actually watch, much to the dismay of every female fighter alive.

Why not go for an obvious one, right?
mandible- December 21, 2010 at 10:03 am
That might be your funniest photo caption of all time.
RSparrow- December 21, 2010 at 9:56 am
Shame on you three... slipping acid in your heavyweight champs champagne.

20 minutes Later Brock is found scurrying around the MGM Grand, dressed in all camo, trying to hunt the animal statues.
Fried Taco- December 21, 2010 at 9:42 am
@Videodrome_Now: Is it okay if I abbreviate and just use "FT"? I think that will fit as long as it's a small font size. And then wouldn't it be awesome if, when it finally does get somewhat hard, it would expand to read "Fred Taco" (damn tattoo artist, always mispelling things!).
Smitty- December 21, 2010 at 9:38 am
I only hope 1 thing happens in 2011, and that's I get a job that doesn't do random drug testing so I can start smoking weed again. If not I can guarantee at least 1 suicide in the new year.
Miles- December 21, 2010 at 9:35 am
yeah, kid clam, and I'll snort piss.
Yazloz18- December 21, 2010 at 9:31 am
What the hell is going on in that picture? Was that the UFC 121 after party? The one where Brock proved to be the baddest man of the planet and capped off Brocktober with a huge win
Videodrome_NOW- December 21, 2010 at 9:26 am
I predict that an actual fight is setup between two members of the Potato Nation and is pitched to Strikeforce as a co-main event, and is accepted by Coker and Co. because they have no idea how to do legitimate matchmaking.

All proceeds, of course, will be used to make CP the leading innovative MMA website, where only a select group of hand picked members of the P Nation, gather together once a week for a naked video chat round-table. No faces will be shown, only flaccid wangs(Mine is always flaccid) with Screen Names being written on the shafts of the members. If your Screen Name does not fit on your shaft,(like mine), you are excluded from the chat unless you can find a large enough shaft to represent you at the roundtable. (I'm looking at you Rex. Your Gollum penis better have my name tattoed on it by Christmas, like you promised.)

To the regret of some and to the relief of others, I most likely will not be attending as I still have obligations giving B. Fowlkes handjobs in the back of his minivan for drugs where sometimes he punches me so hard I stop crying.

I miss you, Dad.

RwilsonR- December 21, 2010 at 9:18 am
List of predictions for this site:

- Through the collective influence of its die-hard fanbase, CagePotato will become such a media force that Dana White will personally call Ben to apologize and to offer media credentials to CP for life. Ben will accept only on the condition that he and Dana settle things in a boxing match to be televised during a live taping of Bum Rush.
- MRuss will finally be let into the United States, and in the euphoria of being cleared from the Homeland Security Watch List, he will father three more children. These will be with two different women, and possibly a man. Antonio Cromartie will be proud.
- Chad Dundas will start to end all of his articles with [CD] so that everything he writes will not be confused with [BF], who comes crawling back to CagePotato only to endure endless harassment from the comments section about how great things used to be back when it was just Ben, Mike and Chad.
DangadaDang- December 21, 2010 at 9:14 am
Based on Jeff Bridges ability to show up in almost any movie nowadays, he will star in straight to DVD movie with Forrest Griffen titled "Mr. Rude and the Dude"
rlh61- December 21, 2010 at 9:05 am
The Senor Chael comment was pretty damn funny...
Kid Clam Curtains- December 21, 2010 at 9:01 am
I will eat my dick if even 4 of those happen.
Strife- December 21, 2010 at 8:58 am
Wanderlei Silva will finally stop walking to the cage while listening to Sandstorm. Nobody listens to techno