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Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions for 2013

(You see, kids, this is why we don’t break the fourth rule of Project Mayhem. Photo via Complex)

By Jason Moles

As is customary, nay tradition, around these parts, we’re hitting the eggnog early and often this week — thus, the obligatory Top 10 list to close out another year in the world of mixed martial arts. It’s not all fluff, though: Last year we predicted a champion would test positive for a banned substance and Brock Lesnar would retire. Not bad, huh? So grab a seat while we break out the crystal ball and see what 2013 has in store for us.

1.) Showtime stays in the MMA biz, will announce deal with Invicta FC and others.

MMA is just too popular to completely wash your hands of. Showtime may finally be done with Strikeforce, but that only means they’re now free to partner up with the likes of all-female Invicta FC or the World Series of Fighting, both of which could be looking for more permanent homes after their early success in 2012. Don’t let the Invicta PPV news fool you; they can’t win that battle. No matter who inks the deal, expect Showtime to counter-program at least one UFC event.

2.) A Ronda Rousey loss brings about the swift execution of women’s MMA in the UFC.

After amputating what’s her name in February, Rowdy will move on to calling out every woman possible who she knows cannot make 135 — especially Cyborg. In what comes as a major surprise to fight fans around the globe, Gina Carano accepts her open challenge (perfect timing to publicize her upcoming role in Fast 6) in late spring/early summer. “Conviction” TKO’s her way to victory then ships off to work on the chick version of The Expendables never to return to the cage. Dana White will be inconsolable but manages to release the handful of remaining women under Zuffa contract that don’t parade around in shorty shorts and a push-up bra.

3.) The Ultimate Fighter coaching curse ends in season 17. Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen will take place as scheduled — guaranteed.

Hear me out on this one. Just like you, the Injury Bug desperately wants to see this fight, either to see that fake-ass white boy Sonnen get savaged or to watch Jonny Bones get knocked down a peg or two.  That’s right, neither Jones nor Sonnen will become injured prior to their bout on April 27th. How can I guarantee something so outlandish? Suffice it to say we have our ways of getting things done.

4.) Dana White announces his retirement*.

A man can only go so hard for so long before his body tosses in the towel. Dana White’s battle with Meniere’s Disease combined with international travel will have finally caught up with MMA’s Moses. You’ll all kick yourself for not seeing this coming sooner. First it was a missed event, then it was two. Next thing you knew, DFW was running the broadcasts from his bunker in Vegas. During the breaking interview, Ariel Helwani will shower White with tremendous praise and wish him the best in his future endeavors while trying to keep a straight face on The MMA Hour because he was briefed on the regime change months ago. Helwani nose.

5.) An A-list celebrity tries his hand at MMA.

My sources cannot confirm, but the word on the street is that both CM Punk and Justin Bieber are looking to cash in on the MMA craze before the bubble bursts in 2014. ($%&@! I’ve said too much already.) You already know that Punk is a Gracie trained white belt, but did you know that the annoying little Bieber kid could throw down? Me either, at least not until I saw this. One guy is always one pipe bomb away from the unemployment line and the other, well… has the testosterone of Alistair Overeem at a random drug test, which means he’s constantly in a state of  “Come at me, bro!” These two savvy businessmen are too smart to leave money on the table so they nut up and get in the cage. But you can bet your last dollar “Biebs” won’t be fighting when the Octagon comes rolling into the Philippines.

*Announcement scheduled for 04/01/13.

Hit the “next page” link for even more Nostradumas-like predictions that will make us look like geniuses later…

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Cagepotato Comments

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Mr_Misanthropy- December 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm
This is amurica! I can post long ass shitty comments if I want!
coldbeer78- December 22, 2012 at 12:53 am
I used to think that Mr. Misanthropy was somewhat funny, but not it looks like he is just trying too damn hard in hopes that Cagepotato will be consistent with Comment of the Week and he has a chance at a T-shirt that will never be shipped...
dranokills- December 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm
#1 agreed
#2 I agree Ronda will lose, but it will be cyborg mashing her ass. You can't do armbars when you are unconscious bitch! It won't bother Dana White one bit, he really cares about $$$$ and womens MMA will bring it.
#3 agreed Jones and Sonnen will fight cause they are both smart enough to NOT get hurt while training. It will be a boring fucking fight sadly.
#4 no fucking way! Dana White is not retiring anytime soon, get real.
#5 who gives a fuck? not me.
#6 disagree, Nelson will fight more than once, and no fighter will care what he wants or doesn't want.
#7 Agreed, Belletor will do fine, and UFC won't kill them, UNLESS they get cocky and talk shit to Dana.
#8 No fighter will lay hands on Helwani EVER. They know better unlike dumbass writers and fanboys who believe that a professional registered fighter would jeopardize his career for a reporter or anyone. It is not only illegal for them to lay hands on a reporter it is also against licensing code. stop living in a fantasyland.
#9 disagreed. regardless of anything, zuffa, Dana White, and UFC are pushing for more and more country's and more and more fighters. there will be even MORE shows.
#10 who knows, you are just being silly.
Thumblaster- December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm
War and peace thinks that list is long
Mr_Misanthropy- December 20, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Wheeee! Top 10 lists are neat:

1. Due to falling revenue the UFC cuts live free broadcasts down to three fights and adds another 20 minutes of motorcycle, energy drink, and videogame commercials to every Fox,Fx, and Fuel event.

2. The lack of PPV revenue causes sweeping changes to unfold. Since TUF licks dog balls the UFC begins experimenting with format changes hoping desperately to draw interest back to their dying franchise. They purchase and renovate an old jail in an abandoned mining town outside Vegas and contestants are forced to live in two man cells, wear orange jumpsuits,and eat only rice and beans while on the show. They begin recruiting contestants from Felony Fights.

3. Arianny and Brittney are forced to take salary cuts. hoping to capitalize on their limited time in the lime light they film a series of XXX zombie themed lesbian porn videos.

4.The "injury curse" that afflicts male fighters turns into a full blown death curse and fights begin getting scrapped from a series of bizarre Final Destination-esque random accidents moments before shows are about to begin. Mike Goldberg gets impaled by a section of scaffolding that tumbles from the rafters when rigging holding it in place is chewed through by rodents at an outdoor show in Indonesia.

5. WOMMBA takes off because underpaid uninsured female fighters who are still hungry and trying to prove something are the only consistent participants in scheduled fights.

6. Dana buys Invicta for $500.00 and a pallet of Corn Nuts.

7. After a wild three day bender Jon Jones gets caught passed out naked in the restroom of a popular New York night club with a pile of cocaine on his dick and three bored pornstars who moonlight as prostitutes. He goes to rehab and still continues to win every fight he is in.

8. Lorenzo Fertita chokes to death on one of Alessio Sakara's mom's meatballs that he has specially shipped to his door on a monthly basis. His funeral is broadcast live on PPV from a stage built on the point of the Luxor. A line of chorus girls shake ostrich feathers as the Blue Man group shoot his ashes mixed with metallic confetti out of a potato gun over the streets of Las Vegas.

9. Dana White pushes back the beluga whale foreskin he calls his neck wrinkles and ejaculates a giant wad of whale semen all over the camera live on national television revealing himself to actually be a walking talking beluga whale penis.

10. There is no more UFC because the world ends tomorrow at midnight.
NomadRip- December 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm
That was a really good list. I'm betting most of these actually do happen (I'm talking to VivaHate here).

The only one I know for sure won't happen on the CP list is the honorable mention.
smiledriver- December 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I for one do not understand the Ariel Helwani hate. He seems to be genuine and take his role as an MMA reporter seriously. I have never seen him be anything less than professional despite numerous fighters treating him like an annoying child and threating him physically. I like Nick Diaz, but saying AH should be smacked is petty and small and thuggish.
teep- December 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Gina cannot make 135...she hardly made 155!
El Guapo- December 20, 2012 at 11:22 am
All I want for Jebus' birthday is number 9, CP. Stacked PPV's... FTW!
Wiley- December 20, 2012 at 11:21 am
My dyslexia kicked in on #4 and I read that as "Helwani showers with White"...which, I think, could make for compelling television.
El Guapo- December 20, 2012 at 11:19 am
St. Paddy's Day is in March, Viva. Not sure why you drank Jamesons for breakfast today. Not that I'm complaining, as your list is the shit. If 5,6, or 10 somehow come true... You the man!
stak- December 20, 2012 at 10:48 am
Is the author really accusing CM Punk of being on steroids?
mma4ever- December 20, 2012 at 9:24 am
Viva that was brilliant
dranokills- December 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm
vivas a nice guy, but leave it up to you to like that caliber of silliness. you probably believe it all as well, thats your level of knowledge....idiot.
Kimbo Lesnar- December 20, 2012 at 9:09 am
Shame on you for referencing both 'shorty shorts' and 'push-up bras' without a pic or link.
Viva Hate- December 20, 2012 at 8:58 am
Here are my 2013 predictions.
1.I will receive a cease and desist letter from the UFC after my curse causes the first three events of 2013 to be canceled due to 135 injuries.
2.Ben, Karma, and Arianny appear on an episode of Maury Povich to find out who the baby daddy is, it turns out neither but there is a retest and it turns out the baby daddy is and we hear those words, “Dana, you are the father.” Maury then yells at “him, do you wanna be a fuckin father?”
3.Roy Nelson loses both legs below the knee after losing a battle with diabetes.
4.Chandella Powell wins the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont. After coming in as a 100 to 1 longshot, Chendella wows the critics.
5.Dan Henderson beats Machida, then one day before his title fight against Jon Jones retires forcing the UFC to cancel another event. When asked why Dan responds “Dana can suck it, FREE CAGE POTATO!”
6.Cris Cyborg Santos meets Ronda Rousey at UFC 160. Halfway through the opening round Cyborgs dick falls out. Mike Goldberg then states “sometimes these things happen in womens MMA.”
7.Cris Cyborg Santos defeats Evangelista Cyborg Santos at UFC 165 via penetration.
8.Gina Carano stars in a good movie.
9.Ian McCall is arrested for living up to his nickname.
10.Bruce Buffer suffers a mental breakdown due to the stresss of his job, after announcing “IT”S TIME!” at UFC 162 he then drops his pants and shits in the middle of the octagon.
2Dogs- December 20, 2012 at 7:48 am
Calling a "NO GO" on the Justin Bieber stuff...why does everyone hate this kid anyways? hes done nuthin wrong? Second...the only thing Roy will test positive for is high cholesterol levels and incredibly hard punches to the head. He will fight more than once next year.