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Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions for 2013


(Photo via Heavy/FightDay)

6.) Roy Nelson‘s penchant for VADA testing comes back to bite him in the butt.

We feel as if we should clarify this particular prediction by saying we do not believe Roy Nelson will test positive for a banned substance or anything of that sort — at least not until the athletic commissions place a cap on fighter’s triglyceride levels. What lies at the heart of #6 is “Big Country”‘s diatribe against the use of PED’s in his sport and his insistence that anyone who wants to fight one of the best heavyweights in the UFC should subjugate themselves to VADA testing. That is, of course, if they don’t have anything to hide. As if guys didn’t have enough on their plate leading up to the fight, he wants them to undergo even more invasive testing, taking away more time from hitting the mitts or rolling with their sparring partner. That’s asking a lot of an opponent, and much of the UFC heavyweight roster will wonder if fighting Roy is worth the aggravation. Don’t be surprised if Nelson only fights once next year.

7.) Bellator surges past all expectations with Spike TV partnership.

What can we say? Bellator is finally coming home. Spike TV reaches a much wider audience because it’s in more homes and occupies a more favorable spot in the channel lineup than Bellator previously enjoyed with MTV 2. Airing right after the popular TNA Impact! will undoubtedly draw in new fans, as will the forthcoming reality show. CEO Bjorn Rebney will also look to add a hot free agent or two to spice things up for his super fights, which will only fuel their ascent as legitimate competition to the juggernaut that is UFC.

8.) Ariel Helwani finally gets slapped for “gotcha” questions.

What do the following fighters have in common besides the obvious: “Rampage” Jackson, Nick Diaz, Josh Koscheck, Hector Lombard, and Tito Ortiz? These are all men who’ve had beef with the Canadian video reporter for one reason or another. Diaz is the one who infamously said that people like Helwani get slapped where he’s from. It’s one thing to throw a few softballs for every hardball you send sailing, but throwing a spitball when the clear understanding is that there will be no spitballs is just bound to get you cold-cocked. Here’s hoping we’re wrong.

9.) Declining PPV numbers force Zuffa to reduce the number of shows in 2014.

The numbers are in and they’re not exactly promising. Many of you have debated whether or not the UFC is over-saturating the market. Others still haven’t recovered from witnessing Ryan Bader upset Quinton Jackson at UFC 144 back in February, and haven’t really noticed much of anything other than their old PRIDE tapes. It’s funny how watching old fights can take us back to a time when everything made sense, you know, like not having back-to-back fight cards or double-booking a Saturday in two different countries. Money talks, so when average Joe hits up @DanaWhite on Twitter to say he’d spend more money buying a bunch of stacked PPVs as opposed to waiting for a really good one every now and then, the Zuffa brass will listen.

10.) Former CagePotato pen-monkeys Ben Fowlkes and Chad Dundas have their Co-Main Event Podcast syndicated nationally and outdraw Jim Rome in the first 90 days.

Listen to any episode and you’ll not need any further evidence that we’re right on the money with this prediction.

Honorable Mention: 2013 will be the first time in years that CagePotato.com doesn’t do, say, publish, or imply anything that will evoke the wrath of Dana White putting us higher atop his black list.

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Mr_Misanthropy- December 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm
This is amurica! I can post long ass shitty comments if I want!
coldbeer78- December 22, 2012 at 12:53 am
I used to think that Mr. Misanthropy was somewhat funny, but not it looks like he is just trying too damn hard in hopes that Cagepotato will be consistent with Comment of the Week and he has a chance at a T-shirt that will never be shipped...
dranokills- December 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm
#1 agreed
#2 I agree Ronda will lose, but it will be cyborg mashing her ass. You can't do armbars when you are unconscious bitch! It won't bother Dana White one bit, he really cares about $$$$ and womens MMA will bring it.
#3 agreed Jones and Sonnen will fight cause they are both smart enough to NOT get hurt while training. It will be a boring fucking fight sadly.
#4 no fucking way! Dana White is not retiring anytime soon, get real.
#5 who gives a fuck? not me.
#6 disagree, Nelson will fight more than once, and no fighter will care what he wants or doesn't want.
#7 Agreed, Belletor will do fine, and UFC won't kill them, UNLESS they get cocky and talk shit to Dana.
#8 No fighter will lay hands on Helwani EVER. They know better unlike dumbass writers and fanboys who believe that a professional registered fighter would jeopardize his career for a reporter or anyone. It is not only illegal for them to lay hands on a reporter it is also against licensing code. stop living in a fantasyland.
#9 disagreed. regardless of anything, zuffa, Dana White, and UFC are pushing for more and more country's and more and more fighters. there will be even MORE shows.
#10 who knows, you are just being silly.
Thumblaster- December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm
War and peace thinks that list is long
Mr_Misanthropy- December 20, 2012 at 4:41 pm
Wheeee! Top 10 lists are neat:

1. Due to falling revenue the UFC cuts live free broadcasts down to three fights and adds another 20 minutes of motorcycle, energy drink, and videogame commercials to every Fox,Fx, and Fuel event.

2. The lack of PPV revenue causes sweeping changes to unfold. Since TUF licks dog balls the UFC begins experimenting with format changes hoping desperately to draw interest back to their dying franchise. They purchase and renovate an old jail in an abandoned mining town outside Vegas and contestants are forced to live in two man cells, wear orange jumpsuits,and eat only rice and beans while on the show. They begin recruiting contestants from Felony Fights.

3. Arianny and Brittney are forced to take salary cuts. hoping to capitalize on their limited time in the lime light they film a series of XXX zombie themed lesbian porn videos.

4.The "injury curse" that afflicts male fighters turns into a full blown death curse and fights begin getting scrapped from a series of bizarre Final Destination-esque random accidents moments before shows are about to begin. Mike Goldberg gets impaled by a section of scaffolding that tumbles from the rafters when rigging holding it in place is chewed through by rodents at an outdoor show in Indonesia.

5. WOMMBA takes off because underpaid uninsured female fighters who are still hungry and trying to prove something are the only consistent participants in scheduled fights.

6. Dana buys Invicta for $500.00 and a pallet of Corn Nuts.

7. After a wild three day bender Jon Jones gets caught passed out naked in the restroom of a popular New York night club with a pile of cocaine on his dick and three bored pornstars who moonlight as prostitutes. He goes to rehab and still continues to win every fight he is in.

8. Lorenzo Fertita chokes to death on one of Alessio Sakara's mom's meatballs that he has specially shipped to his door on a monthly basis. His funeral is broadcast live on PPV from a stage built on the point of the Luxor. A line of chorus girls shake ostrich feathers as the Blue Man group shoot his ashes mixed with metallic confetti out of a potato gun over the streets of Las Vegas.

9. Dana White pushes back the beluga whale foreskin he calls his neck wrinkles and ejaculates a giant wad of whale semen all over the camera live on national television revealing himself to actually be a walking talking beluga whale penis.

10. There is no more UFC because the world ends tomorrow at midnight.
NomadRip- December 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm
That was a really good list. I'm betting most of these actually do happen (I'm talking to VivaHate here).

The only one I know for sure won't happen on the CP list is the honorable mention.
smiledriver- December 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I for one do not understand the Ariel Helwani hate. He seems to be genuine and take his role as an MMA reporter seriously. I have never seen him be anything less than professional despite numerous fighters treating him like an annoying child and threating him physically. I like Nick Diaz, but saying AH should be smacked is petty and small and thuggish.
teep- December 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Gina cannot make 135...she hardly made 155!
El Guapo- December 20, 2012 at 11:22 am
All I want for Jebus' birthday is number 9, CP. Stacked PPV's... FTW!
Wiley- December 20, 2012 at 11:21 am
My dyslexia kicked in on #4 and I read that as "Helwani showers with White"...which, I think, could make for compelling television.
El Guapo- December 20, 2012 at 11:19 am
St. Paddy's Day is in March, Viva. Not sure why you drank Jamesons for breakfast today. Not that I'm complaining, as your list is the shit. If 5,6, or 10 somehow come true... You the man!
stak- December 20, 2012 at 10:48 am
Is the author really accusing CM Punk of being on steroids?
mma4ever- December 20, 2012 at 9:24 am
Viva that was brilliant
dranokills- December 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm
vivas a nice guy, but leave it up to you to like that caliber of silliness. you probably believe it all as well, thats your level of knowledge....idiot.
Kimbo Lesnar- December 20, 2012 at 9:09 am
Shame on you for referencing both 'shorty shorts' and 'push-up bras' without a pic or link.
Viva Hate- December 20, 2012 at 8:58 am
Here are my 2013 predictions.
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1.I will receive a cease and desist letter from the UFC after my curse causes the first three events of 2013 to be canceled due to 135 injuries.
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2.Ben, Karma, and Arianny appear on an episode of Maury Povich to find out who the baby daddy is, it turns out neither but there is a retest and it turns out the baby daddy is and we hear those words, “Dana, you are the father.” Maury then yells at “him, do you wanna be a fuckin father?”
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3.Roy Nelson loses both legs below the knee after losing a battle with diabetes.
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4.Chandella Powell wins the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont. After coming in as a 100 to 1 longshot, Chendella wows the critics.
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5.Dan Henderson beats Machida, then one day before his title fight against Jon Jones retires forcing the UFC to cancel another event. When asked why Dan responds “Dana can suck it, FREE CAGE POTATO!”
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6.Cris Cyborg Santos meets Ronda Rousey at UFC 160. Halfway through the opening round Cyborgs dick falls out. Mike Goldberg then states “sometimes these things happen in womens MMA.”
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7.Cris Cyborg Santos defeats Evangelista Cyborg Santos at UFC 165 via penetration.
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8.Gina Carano stars in a good movie.
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9.Ian McCall is arrested for living up to his nickname.
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10.Bruce Buffer suffers a mental breakdown due to the stresss of his job, after announcing “IT”S TIME!” at UFC 162 he then drops his pants and shits in the middle of the octagon.
2Dogs- December 20, 2012 at 7:48 am
Calling a "NO GO" on the Justin Bieber stuff...why does everyone hate this kid anyways? hes done nuthin wrong? Second...the only thing Roy will test positive for is high cholesterol levels and incredibly hard punches to the head. He will fight more than once next year.
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