(Video courtesy YouTube/City and Colour) I know, I know. You kids weren’t ready for mom and dad to split up, and you’re not going to make this easy, but I want to assure you that I’m going to do everything I can to make things work for all of us. I’m not going to be one of those strict stepdads who is always telling you to turn your music down or scolds you for cursing. I’m also not going to be the creepy, moustached stepdad who says inappropriate things and wears obscenely short Adidas shorts and aviator sunglasses so he can leer at your female friends around the pool. Now let’s get to those burning questions you’ve had since you first heard I was taking over for Ben Fowlkes as the Senior Editor of your beloved community. We’ll start with the ones that immediately followed the pages of some variation of "NOOO!!!! I’m never coming here again" and "Who the hell is Mike Russell?" Here goes nothing…
No, I’m going to be the cool stepdad that keeps the unlocked garden shed stocked with Lucky Strikes, Playboys and whiskey and if any of it mysteriously goes missing, I’ll just replenish the cache with no questions asked as my way of saying, "Thanks for letting me bone your mom."
Just where do you get the balls.
(Video courtesy YouTube/City and Colour)
I know, I know. You kids weren’t ready for mom and dad to split up, and you’re not going to make this easy, but I want to assure you that I’m going to do everything I can to make things work for all of us.
I’m not going to be one of those strict stepdads who is always telling you to turn your music down or scolds you for cursing. I’m also not going to be the creepy, moustached stepdad who says inappropriate things and wears obscenely short Adidas shorts and aviator sunglasses so he can leer at your female friends around the pool.
Now let’s get to those burning questions you’ve had since you first heard I was taking over for Ben Fowlkes as the Senior Editor of your beloved community. We’ll start with the ones that immediately followed the pages of some variation of "NOOO!!!! I’m never coming here again" and "Who the hell is Mike Russell?"
Here goes nothing…
-just some dong-
Luckily for me, J.S. Dong, Fowlkes left them in the top drawer of my desk along with an empty bottle of 12-year-old scotch, a tube of red lipstick, a “TO KILL” list and a note that reads:
To my totally inferior replacement,
Normally I wouldn’t write a note like this, but Goldstein told me I wouldn’t get my final paycheck unless I did, so lets get this shit over with so I can get my drink on and get to the track.
A few things:
1. We have a long running gag similar to Jimmy Kimmel’s Matt Damon bit, in which we promise readers CP t-shirts, yet always seem to be out of them. There never were any shirts, so if anyone asks, tell them they’re being printed, they’re in the mail or blame BG.
2. Our readers don’t react well to change, so you may want to consider changing your name to "Ben."
3. If you are Canadian, how are you using the Internet?
4. If you have any questions, CAPS LOCK HAL will be happy to assist you.
5. If you ever run into Shane Carwin, tell him you’re me. It’s an inside joke we have. He’ll think it’s hilarious.
6. No matter what any "so-called" real estate agent tells you, Cougar Town is not a real place.
7. Contrary to popular belief, you can’t expense a deposit on a beachfront condo in Cougar Town. I know. It makes no sense to me either.
8. If you get any mail addressed to me and it contains any money, please send it to my bookie, Jimmy Slims. His address is in the false bottom of the middle drawer of the desk.
9. If you get any mail from women claiming to be pregnant with my children, please tell them I’m in jail for life…for cannibalism.
10. No matter how funny you think you are, you will never be as funny as me, so you may want to stick to self-deprecating humor. You’re Canadian, it shouldn’t be too hard.
You’re not going to spell "color" with a "u", are you? I fucking hate that.
Don’t worry, CAP10, if that’s even your real name. Most of my writing has been for American outlets. I don’t even spell “aboot” with a “u.”
Conan the Barbarian or Conan the Destroyer, and why?
-El Famous Burrito-
I’m not sure what kind of answer you were expecting, El Famous. Can I call you El Famous? You may be disappointed with my answer and the reasoning behind it, but I’m going to have to go with the road less traveled on this one and say, “Conan the Destroyer.”
Not a lot of people know this, but Conan the Destroyer actually has an alternate soundtrack. If you drop the needle on The Wrestling Album precisely when the opening monologue begins, and repeat both sides six times throughout the movie, it will blow your mind.
When you first catch a glimpse of Grace Jones bounding across the screen to the tune of Junkyard Dog’s “Grab Them Cakes,” you start to wonder whether or not it’s just a coincidence. Then the future Governor of California defeats the evil god Dagoth — who by no coincidence is played by WWF wrestling superstar Andre the Giant — and the echoing compression-laden opening of “Real American” by Rick Derringer breaks the tense, emotionally-spent silence of the crowd who witnessed the champion defeat the sinister deity. I get shivers every time I hear that song to this day.
Will you be taking over the Ask the Potato?
Pretty sure I just did.
Are you allergic to anything?
Medically, I have a few allergies, but mentally I’m allergic to country music and Sandra Bullock movies.
Here is my question to the whole CagePotato "company": Do you guys get paid any money to taunt the mentally challenged users of this site and make entertaining observations about news that real sites post?
Hey Nealio. It was great meeting you at CP headquarters when we both interviewed for Fowlkes’ job. I can understand you’re still bitter that I got the gig, but I’d love to pass on a word of advice if you’ll let me. When entering a room full of executives from the company you are hoping to gain employment from, blurting out, “Well, well, well, motherfuckers!” although may seem like a good idea at the time, never is.
On a positive note, you did say that our observations are entertaining.
I’d really like to know though, if someone put a gun to your head and said you had to choose one of the following people to hang out with who you would choose and why:
I’ve always had an unhealthy appetite for engaging conversations with batshit crazy people like crackheads and Jehovah’s Witnesses, so I’d have to go with War Machine on this one. My first inclination was to say Dan Quinn, but I get the sneaking suspicion that his apartment smells like rotting chicken carcasses mixed with urine and Old Spice, so I’m going to pass on a lesson on the methodology of producing pure H2O and the benefits of consuming it, on account of my weak stomach.
Add a few drinks to the equation and a few hours with War Machine would be like spending a few hours holding a grenade with the pin pulled out. You never know when he’s going to go off, or what’s going to trigger him, but you know it’s bound to happen, and the results will be explosive. Thanks to TMZ where the precedent has been noted for posterity, he’s also likely always going to be confined to a spit bag when he’s arrested, just in case insanity is contagious.
Could you please submit all your stories via awesome photoshop pictures?
Well Shagen, though I can’t promise all of my Photoshops will be awesome, I will say that I do plan to regularly include them with my stories when possible. Here’s one to get things started:
Who’s more handsome, Bigfoot Silva or Cyborg?
Trick question. They are fraternal twins, like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters in the movie Twins.
Mike, when you have an erection at an inappropriate time, how do you deal with it? Do you tuck it up in your waste band Superbad style, or just find the nearest men’s room and take care of it?
Unfortunately, I like my boys to run free, so the waistband trick is a no-go for me. Instead, I use a tried and true Canadian method for erection dispersion. In prisons, they used to use saltpeter to curb the libidos of inmates. Here in the North, we use a method of visualization that involves one of our best selling female adult contemporary singers and is 99.9% effective. Her name is Rita MacNeil.
Watch this video. You can thank me next time you find yourself caught in a rock hard place while attending a funeral or at Chuck E Cheese’s and visions of Rita save you from total embarrassment, or criminal charges.
(Video courtesy the Canadian Anaphrodesiac Association)
Hey n.Ben just a quick one, if I travelled back in time and (nope, no I fucked your mother jokes) fought hand to hand combat with Ghandi, what do you think his weaknesses are and how could I exploit them.
Ghandi was a vegetarian and lacked calcium in his diet as a result. Combine that with the fact that he had scrawny chicken legs and I think you know what you need to do. Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that? No mercy.
Alright new guy…rapid fire here.
gotta fuck one, marry one and kill one. GO!
-Robocop Didnt Tap-
1. I’d kill Kimbo. To become the “King of the Web Brawlers” you have to kill the King of the Web Brawlers — it’s simple MMA math, really.
2. I’d marry Cyborg. I think she would be fun to watch MMA with and she seems like she’d be a good cook.
3. I already fucked Fowlkes. There is no job at MMAFighting.com.
Glad to be here, Potato Nation.
Now go punch Monday in the balls.
Mike "The New Ben" Russell