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Dear Guy Attending This Live MMA Event: An Open Letter

UFC Just Bleed guy
(In retrospect, this was a cry for help that his friends really should have noticed)

Dear Guy Attending This Live MMA Event,

Hey dude, how’s it going? I can’t help but notice that you’re sitting in the seat right behind mine. That’s cool. It’s just that – and I don’t want to sound like a jerk here or anything – you’re kind of driving me crazy.

I know you’re just trying to have a good time, but I have a couple of tips for you. Five, to be exact. Just hear me out:

1. You don’t need to catcall the ring girl every time she gets up to ply her trade. The first couple of times? When you shouted out crude expressions about parts of her body that you found attractive, once even suggesting that you would have sexual intercourse with her if given the chance? Yeah, I think she got the point then. You don’t have to keep doing it seven fights in. She knows how “totally freaking hot” she is without you screaming it at her.

2. Take it easy with the boo’s. Don’t get me wrong, I think expressing displeasure is your right as a ticket buyer. Maybe it’s even part of the fun. But if you boo at everything, I worry that soon you will make the act of booing seem meaningless.

It’s like in that last fight, when you booed as soon as the action hit the mat. Then you booed after the stand-up, and at the end of the round. You see that security guard? He’s coming over here to take your beer away. Then you’ll really have something to boo about.

3. We could do without the running commentary of every fight. Unless the guy you’re sitting with is blind, he doesn’t need you describing what’s happening at every moment. You also don’t need to tell us what you would do to get out of that armbar. We all realize that you “train.” We figured that out when you showed up wearing the t-shirt from your gym. Something tells me that you also wore a Danzig t-shirt to that Danzig show you once attended at this same arena and have mentioned several times already.

4. You’re right about how two guys fighting on the ground somewhat resembles the sex act. That’s really clever of you to point that out at the top of your lungs. It was almost as funny as when you shouted “kick his ass, Sea Bass.” Seriously funny stuff there, referencing that movie from the nineties. I never would have thought of doing that.

5. Lastly, please don’t pick a fight on your way out of the arena. I know it sounds like a good idea. You’ve just seen all this fighting and it has reminded you how cool violence is, but starting a fight here will only get you arrested. Plus, it’s not going to successfully impress that girl in the tube top. She’s here with her boyfriend. All the women here are.

Yes, that totally sucks. You’re right, Guy Attending This Live MMA Event. But what can we do?

Please let me know if you ever plan on attending another one of these. I’m going to stay home and watch TV.

Sincerely Yours,

Concerned MMA Fan


Cagepotato Comments

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proslaviy- September 15, 2008 at 2:13 am
Hi, how I can send PM?
Stephen Rhodes- July 16, 2008 at 12:56 am
Even when you watch the PPV's at home, you can't help but catch the occasional "Just Bleed" guy. too bad there's not a litmus test to gain admittance to a MMA event. I think in most cases, it's the alcohol talking.
t-bass- May 2, 2008 at 11:48 am
Wrestling should only be practised so you know how to prevent men from mounting you.
Kuato86- May 2, 2008 at 10:37 am
hahahahaha that made me laugh so hard!!!
DWEstbatgirl13uk- April 23, 2008 at 8:22 am
The Just Bleed guy would be better placed as an in-storead for Bodyform or Tampax I think.
Black03Marauder- April 22, 2008 at 11:36 pm
CagePotato, it is your DESTINY to find and interview the "just bleed" guy!
4faces- April 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Unless source for UFC guy sitting in the row behind the guy who wrote that post I am calling it gay.

Sounds like "I am gay, hear me roar".
Just Bleed- April 22, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Fine, I'll just shout "Freebird" when the fight goes to the ground!
Mark Haggard- April 22, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Love it. That guy is why I never go out to BWW or Hooters to watch the fights. I would much rather stay home and watch the fights with my wife, she at least knows what she's talking about.
Greg- April 22, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Are you sure all those girls are there with their boyfriends? I was really pretty sure they were there to see me.
tony@rbd- April 22, 2008 at 12:47 pm
That is a comprehensive list, for sure. #4 is so true it hurts. Can I get some laminated copies to hand out?
Jack Booted Thug- April 22, 2008 at 12:27 pm
What a great letter to expose all the liche guys out there.
Kelsey- April 22, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Aryan- April 22, 2008 at 12:05 pm
that picture is just fuckin priceless
cw- April 22, 2008 at 11:55 am
This is a lot like watching MMA ppvs at bars. The inane running commentary and the picking fights bits especially. There's a reason I pay a fortune to watch these at home alone.
SEth- April 22, 2008 at 8:05 am
The majority of mma fans (i should say ufc fans) need to read these rules.
alan- April 22, 2008 at 7:44 am
rofl i hate jerks that act like that gj CP!
demonianray- April 22, 2008 at 3:39 am
Does anyone know which UFC was that (with the guy in the pic in the beginning of the post)?
Captain Popetastic- April 22, 2008 at 3:30 am
Haha. Well-said, Cage Potato.
Aryan- April 22, 2008 at 3:07 am
lolwut- April 22, 2008 at 2:22 am
haha funny stuff
Lil'Doomsday- April 22, 2008 at 1:09 am
Can I still yell out "OMOPLATA!?" at random moments? :(
Mike (Fuzz) Giordano- April 22, 2008 at 12:35 am
Thanks for saying what we've all been afraid to say, LOL! Mikey; well done!!!
DumbOut!- April 21, 2008 at 11:47 pm
That guy is my idol!
Lil' Doomsday- April 21, 2008 at 11:22 pm
"Just Bleed" man is classic. :D