MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

Dear Mr. Shamrock: An Open Letter


(‘Sup.  Can we talk?)

Hey Ken.  Do you mind if I call you Ken?  Awesome.  Look, Ken, it’s about this Tim Sylvia stuff.  I’m concerned.  I know, I know.  Your management said you weren’t interested, and I was glad to hear it.  But then I heard that these Xp3 people are pressing the issue, planning to put you two into a pay-per-view bout in the spring of ’09.  Pay-per-view, Ken.  

The reason I’m concerned is because I think I know how this will play out.  First you’ll say no, then Big Tim will launch some half-assed personal assault against you in the media, and that’s when, easily infuriated as you are, you’ll give in.  Also, there’s money involved.  You know how you get when you’re mad and there’s money.  It isn’t pretty.

But Ken, I’m here to tell you that no matter how much you’re tempted – and you will be tempted – you can’t take this fight.  It’s like the sirens’ song: you’ve just got to tie yourself down and resist it, because it will only result in ruin.  Don’t believe me?  Well here are five good reasons why it’s a horrible idea.  Please, take a look.

1. You’ll lose…again.

I know everyone said the same thing about the Kimbo Slice fight that you had to pull out of.  And while I think they were probably right then, they’re definitely right now.  With Kimbo you had a reasonable shot to get him down and submit him.  You have much less of a shot against Sylvia.  His takedown defense is good and his jiu-jitsu is solidly in the ‘aiiiight’ range.  So he’ll just stand at a distance and hit you with those weird, lanky arms of his until you fall down.  Then he’ll act like he’s the king of the world and you’ll complain to the ref that it was an early stoppage.  It will be a huge mess.

2. Even if you win, so what?

Beating Tim Sylvia isn’t what it used to be.  It’s not that he’s no good, either.  It’s just that the perception of him has deteriorated severely after Fedor waded through him without breaking a sweat.  If you beat him, no one would look at it as a sign that Ken Shamrock still has it.  They’d see it as a sign that Tim Sylvia is really headed downhill fast.  He’d become a joke, and you’d be part of the punchline.

3. He’s just using you.

Sylvia doesn’t really care about you, Ken.  He’s not really mad, and he doesn’t think this is really an important fight.  He just sees you as a guy with a name who he can beat.  EliteXC thought the same thing about you in regards to Kimbo, and do you remember how they treated you when you pulled out with that cut?  They had Jared Shaw out there suggesting that you wanted a way out of the fight.  Jared Shaw, Ken!  Sylvia and these Xp3 jokers are no different.  They won’t respect you in the morning.  What’s more, you won’t respect yourself.

4. It won’t be that much money.

Honestly, how much cash do you think we’re talking here?  Six figures?  I doubt it.  These people have to know they won’t recoup much on the pay-per-view, and Sylvia’s going to want a big chunk after getting his head filled with that $800,000 nonsense in Affliction.  That’s not going to leave much for you.  I’m sure you could do a commercial in Japan that would be worth more.  In fact, I’ve got a little money.  Tell me how much they’re offering, and I’ll match it just to get you to stay home.

5. This will only put you further from your dream fight with your brother.

Let’s face it, you can’t go on forever.  And I know you really, really claim to want to fight your brother, Frank.  So why not end it like that, if you absolutely must fight again?  Going out there and getting pummeled by Sylvia is not going to increase interest in a Shamrock vs. Shamrock match.  If anything it will do the opposite.  Then Frank will go on TV again with his stupid smile, showing his stupid braces (as a side note, Frank, if you’re reading this, what the hell?  you’re a grown man!), and he’ll use it as another opportunity to bash you for making that fight more difficult.  Don’t give him that satisfaction.

In conclusion, Ken, I really hope you stick to your guns on this one and avoid taking this fight at all costs.  We both know it’s the right thing to do, no matter what Tim Sylvia says.  Remember, words can never hurt you, and he’s only saying those things because he’s insecure.  You, on the other hand, are a pioneer, a legend, and a hall of famer.  They can’t take that away from you, big guy.  Don’t give them a reason to try.  

– Your Friend, The Potato

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Tyler- January 18, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Ken Shamrock needs to fight Tank Abbott.
Anonymous- January 4, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Ken Shamrock's probably going to fight another three or four more times I hope one is against his brother and one against Tim Sylvia. I also wouldn't mind seeing Tito and Ken go at it again.
Anonymous- December 9, 2008 at 8:53 pm
If EliteXC is back on CBS maybe we'll see Tito/Ken IV and Cyborg/Carano.I certainly wouldn't mind.I'd also like to see Robbie Lawler fight Phil Baroni.If Kimbo is back as well he has to fight Brett Rogers!
tyler- December 5, 2008 at 11:12 am
I'LL take a 4th fight with Tito and Ken over a 4th fight between Chuck Liddell and Couture any day of the week.The pre fight hype between Tito and Ken would be better than anything between Randy and Chuck including the fight.
Kuato- December 5, 2008 at 1:12 am
Now I know you're trolling, tyler. Tito/Ken IV, lol.
tyler- December 4, 2008 at 11:45 pm
The last thing Ken needs to do is retire.If the guy can still get high profile fights he should keep going forward.It's not like he's Dan Severn fighting on some small show in Topeka,Kansas or some shit.
If you lose Ken Shamrock from MMA you lose a lot.After he fights Sylvia I'd like to see Tito Ortiz/Ken Shamrock IV.
Babalu- December 4, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Now I gotta crack some heads open. Jomama, and anon, I am making a list and I am checking it twice.

I guess my entertaining the stupid argument of the "First" discussion shows my interest in how much I'd like to see Shamrock fight Sylvia. I was thinking how much I'd rather see Bas get back into fighting against Shamrock or Sylvia...and then I realized, Shamrock doesn't have any more fights left in him, although watching him get "beat into a living death" by Bas would be much better than seeing anything with Sylvia in it.
cr_trinity- December 4, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Tyler I agree with you totally; despite Ken's lackluster record he has at least got some technique worth talkig about.

Fuck the Nu Skool.
Kuato- December 4, 2008 at 6:55 pm
That's why you are old and sad and living in the past, tyler.
tyler- December 4, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I'd rather watch a Ken that any TUF asshole that's been on the last 3 years.
jomamma- December 4, 2008 at 6:00 pm
i'd rather see Chris S vs Babalu in a no holds barred dungeons & dragons brawl then Ken vs Tim.

i'm with Chris S it is pretty funny to see somebody so excited to post first not actually end up first. I mean we all picture you so excited then refreshing the page, saddened to have disgraced your screename with the agonizing embarrassment of actually not being first.

For this obvious reason I'd give Chris the mental edge so my money is on him for the D&D brawl.
Anonymous- December 4, 2008 at 5:55 pm
@ babala

shut the fuck up, nobody cares u got made fun of. nobody thinks any less of you dont worry. but the fact that you have the longest post in this thread and it has nothing to do with the topic says a lot.

so again, fuck off and go to ebaumsworld or break if you want to show everyone how big your dick is.
Mac- December 4, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Your an idiot! Why don't you write an open letter to Sylvia ass? What, did Ken kick your ass in middle school?
Biohazardone- December 4, 2008 at 1:47 pm
ohhhhhh boy,
I hope Ken does not take this fight. He has already lost much of his reputation. He needs to try to maintain a shred of dignity. Please Ken dont take this fight. I hate it when others talk bad about u but....shit, they cant help it...what people say about u is true. Try to maintain the bit of legendary status that is left of you....dont be a mockery for the sport of MMA.
Babalu- December 4, 2008 at 9:30 am
@ Chris S


Owning noobs? That sounds shallow. But then again, that's coming from someone who spends his time making himself sound smart by pointing out how someone who posted "First" wasn't actually first to post (something a noob would do). You're likely one of those geeks who goes around correcting people spelling mistakes, correcting syntax in forums, asserting your opinion on people's suggestions etc.... In real life you likely get your kicks by pointing out inconsistencies in the ceiling tiles, telling people the clock is wrong because it clicks 65 times in a minute instead of 60 etc... It doesn't surprise me that you'd make an analogy to the Matrix movie to make yourself sound smart. I am not surprised in the least that you'd go out of your way and come up with an original screen name like Chris S. To an idiot, everything normal seems stupid.
russiandoeboi- December 4, 2008 at 7:45 am
is hitting the head of a downed opponent with a colostomy bag allowed?
russiandoeboi- December 4, 2008 at 7:43 am
i didnt read this article- it started off entertaining its just that
this match up will be like dad and young son when dad puts arms on shortys head and laughsa while shorty flails at air.
exept sylvia will ko ken with a punch - boy do i feel like einsyein for that prediction
England Rules- December 4, 2008 at 7:21 am
Ken them "Balls of fire" just dont work mate this is the real shit and not street fighter
No one want to see your face get used like a mop anymore so quit you old bastard!
Kuato- December 4, 2008 at 5:48 am
I'd give Ken even odds if they'd let him bring his wheelchair into the cage, and lash Tim with his colostomy bag.
C-Bus Allstar- December 4, 2008 at 5:33 am
Hilarious article. Truth from top to bottom. Hopefully Ken DOES read this and actually takes it to heart.
emptyhandkiller- December 4, 2008 at 5:19 am
This fight would be destined to be one of the worst of all time, just for the combatants. Sylvia is an awkward galoot, who won a few good ones on the basis of him being twice the size of his opponents. Shamrock nosedived rapidly after his WWE time, and since he got off the 'roids. For all his years of training, he simply collapsed in his last dozen matches. I don't wanna see this match, Ken against his brother, or Ken against ANYONE. Please, Ken, please.... retire and disappear, ok?
Chris S- December 4, 2008 at 2:05 am
Suppose I better make an MMA related post, as opposed to just pwning net noobs.

I don't really care about the politics or the history of these two fighters, but it seems to me Ken has a lot more to lose in this than Tim does. But what the hell, if they wanna fight I'll watch it. It's like car crash TV, it's gonna make you cringe but you won't be able to stop watching.
Chris S- December 4, 2008 at 1:56 am
Okay Babylou (sic), I can understand Neil Armstrongs thrill at being the first to set foot on the moon. I get a small thrill at being the first person to walk on fresh snow. But the first to get a forum post? Is your life that shallow?

(picture Morpheus asking Neo if he thinks that is air he's breathing).

Hm.
Michael- December 3, 2008 at 10:56 pm
ufcfan- i believe fowlkes wrote this one, not goldstein-who drank the syrupy goodness.
UFC fan- December 3, 2008 at 9:52 pm
This is how I felt about you drinking the stupid ipecac syrup over a stupid bet, it was dumb, yet you still did it, so get off ken, he likes doing dumb shit, just like you do, and just like you he wants it on film.
Maybe if you promise to NOT throw up again, he might see you, and respect that and stop causing the rest of US to throw up by watching him fight.
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