(‘Sup.  Can we talk?)

Hey Ken.  Do you mind if I call you Ken?  Awesome.  Look, Ken, it’s about this Tim Sylvia stuff.  I’m concerned.  I know, I know.  Your management said you weren’t interested, and I was glad to hear it.  But then I heard that these Xp3 people are pressing the issue, planning to put you two into a pay-per-view bout in the spring of ’09.  Pay-per-view, Ken.  

The reason I’m concerned is because I think I know how this will play out.  First you’ll say no, then Big Tim will launch some half-assed personal assault against you in the media, and that’s when, easily infuriated as you are, you’ll give in.  Also, there’s money involved.  You know how you get when you’re mad and there’s money.  It isn’t pretty.

But Ken, I’m here to tell you that no matter how much you’re tempted – and you will be tempted – you can’t take this fight.  It’s like the sirens’ song: you’ve just got to tie yourself down and resist it, because it will only result in ruin.  Don’t believe me?  Well here are five good reasons why it’s a horrible idea.  Please, take a look.

1. You’ll lose…again.

I know everyone said the same thing about the Kimbo Slice fight that you had to pull out of.  And while I think they were probably right then, they’re definitely right now.  With Kimbo you had a reasonable shot to get him down and submit him.  You have much less of a shot against Sylvia.  His takedown defense is good and his jiu-jitsu is solidly in the ‘aiiiight’ range.  So he’ll just stand at a distance and hit you with those weird, lanky arms of his until you fall down.  Then he’ll act like he’s the king of the world and you’ll complain to the ref that it was an early stoppage.  It will be a huge mess.

2. Even if you win, so what?

Beating Tim Sylvia isn’t what it used to be.  It’s not that he’s no good, either.  It’s just that the perception of him has deteriorated severely after Fedor waded through him without breaking a sweat.  If you beat him, no one would look at it as a sign that Ken Shamrock still has it.  They’d see it as a sign that Tim Sylvia is really headed downhill fast.  He’d become a joke, and you’d be part of the punchline.

3. He’s just using you.

Sylvia doesn’t really care about you, Ken.  He’s not really mad, and he doesn’t think this is really an important fight.  He just sees you as a guy with a name who he can beat.  EliteXC thought the same thing about you in regards to Kimbo, and do you remember how they treated you when you pulled out with that cut?  They had Jared Shaw out there suggesting that you wanted a way out of the fight.  Jared Shaw, Ken!  Sylvia and these Xp3 jokers are no different.  They won’t respect you in the morning.  What’s more, you won’t respect yourself.

4. It won’t be that much money.

Honestly, how much cash do you think we’re talking here?  Six figures?  I doubt it.  These people have to know they won’t recoup much on the pay-per-view, and Sylvia’s going to want a big chunk after getting his head filled with that $800,000 nonsense in Affliction.  That’s not going to leave much for you.  I’m sure you could do a commercial in Japan that would be worth more.  In fact, I’ve got a little money.  Tell me how much they’re offering, and I’ll match it just to get you to stay home.

5. This will only put you further from your dream fight with your brother.

Let’s face it, you can’t go on forever.  And I know you really, really claim to want to fight your brother, Frank.  So why not end it like that, if you absolutely must fight again?  Going out there and getting pummeled by Sylvia is not going to increase interest in a Shamrock vs. Shamrock match.  If anything it will do the opposite.  Then Frank will go on TV again with his stupid smile, showing his stupid braces (as a side note, Frank, if you’re reading this, what the hell?  you’re a grown man!), and he’ll use it as another opportunity to bash you for making that fight more difficult.  Don’t give him that satisfaction.

In conclusion, Ken, I really hope you stick to your guns on this one and avoid taking this fight at all costs.  We both know it’s the right thing to do, no matter what Tim Sylvia says.  Remember, words can never hurt you, and he’s only saying those things because he’s insecure.  You, on the other hand, are a pioneer, a legend, and a hall of famer.  They can’t take that away from you, big guy.  Don’t give them a reason to try.  

– Your Friend, The Potato