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Despite Actually Losing the TUF 17 Finale, Everyone is Still Terrified of Uriah Hall

(Gold Bond foot lotion: So soothing, it’ll knock you right off your motherfucking feet.) 

Since we know how much you guys love a good old fashioned conspiracy theory, try this one on for size: Everyone in the middleweight division is still scared shitless of Uriah Hall and will do anything within their power to avoid fighting him. Yes, despite the fact that he dropped a unanimous decision to Kelvin Gastelum in his UFC debut, Hall seemingly cannot find an opponent brave (or healthy) enough to face him at UFC on FOX Sports: Shogun vs. Sonnen on August 17th.

First, Nick “mumblegumblemurglegurgle” Ring was scheduled to face Hall at the event. Then we posted this video, then Ring suspiciously went down with the first “blown asspussy” in UFC history. Ring was quickly replaced by Hall’s fellow TUF 17 alum, Josh Samman, and everything seemed to be back on track. Until yesterday, that is, when Samman likely realized that he would never be able to complete his Ethnography of Women and Violence in Post-war Guatemala thesis while comatose. Subsequently, Samman has also been forced to withdraw from his fight with Hall, paving the way for a certain UFC veteran (and Boston native) to reclaim the spotlight…

That’s right, Taters, none other than John “Doomsday” Howard will make his long-awaited return to the UFC on short notice to face Hall at the TD Garden. Howard posted the above video to his Youtube account yesterday to break the good news (as well as guarantee a FOTN-worthy performance); now let’s just hope he can make it to fight night in one piece.

Since being ousted from the UFC in 2011 following three straight losses — bringing his promotional record to 4-3 overall — Howard has gone 6-1 with five stoppages and is coming off back-to-back first round knockouts. “Doomsday” has offered to fight on the Boston card for free in recent months and even broke Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsaranev’s nose once, so it was kind of DW’s patriotic duty to include him on this card.

Will Howard be able to score an upset in his UFC return? Or is Hall destined to receive an endless loop of opponents who will never actually fight him?

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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dranokills- July 18, 2013 at 6:37 pm
I'm actually kinda sad that we don't get to see josh "the fish" samman get his face smashed in.
dranokills- July 18, 2013 at 6:34 pm
thank you 12 OZ I do believe you asked the BURNING question.
ksgbobo- July 18, 2013 at 1:44 pm
Two questions:
1) When did the comment thing change?
2) Why can't I look at titties and bitches anymore when I comment? Instead its all sports stuff...really!?

And, I'm know really sold on that Josh Samman kat...just not.
CheckHisPee- July 18, 2013 at 11:51 am
This guy sounds serious, so I think "Urirah" better watch his ass.
cman- July 18, 2013 at 10:49 am
I like watching hall, but not sold until he gets something called 'wrestling'. I've heard it helps in the UFC.
MyDonkeyPunch- July 18, 2013 at 10:18 am
Uriah Hall opened a new business... face massages. So sensual that it'll put you to sleep.
Sopapo- July 18, 2013 at 10:11 am
Well howard is a beast . If Uriah beats him I'll join the bandwagon
The12ozCurls- July 18, 2013 at 9:59 am
What is the normal recovery time for a "blown asspussy?"
SKK BB- July 18, 2013 at 6:28 pm
this is the best thing i've read today. or maybe all summer.