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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

Diego Sanchez to Absorb the Lifeforce of Poor, Poor Myles Jury at UFC 171


(Hey guys, you forgot to write “In Memoriam” at the top. Photo via Jury’s official website.)

Myles Jury might be one of the most talented up-and-coming prospects in the UFC that I couldn’t pick out of a lineup if a police officer was holding a gun to my mother’s head. I don’t how or why that situation could arise, I’m just saying. The TUF 15 alum is currently 4-0 in the UFC with wins over fellow TUFers Michael Johnson, Mike Ricci, and Ramsey Nijem, but since he’s been stuck in FX/FS1 prelim hell for those fights, his accomplishments have gone largely unnoticed by the general public.

Well that’s all about to change, because it appears that Jury has been selected to be cleansed by the holy flame of Diego Sanchez’s vengeful God, as tribute, at UFC 171.

It’s a classic matchup of undefeated vs. mentally unstable undefeatable.

Since dropping back to lightweight, Sanchez has gone 1-1, scoring a controversial split decision win over Takanori Gomi at UFC 161 before being upended by Gilbert Melendez at UFC 166 in a “Fight of the Year” contender. I say “contender,” because PRIDE. Sanchez also recently reupped with the organization and will likely continue putting on three-round wars until he is forced to be carted into the octagon, at which point he will still manage to stay above .500 on sheer willpower alone.

Seriously, I feel kind of bad for Myles here. He finally receives a shot in the real big time, and it comes at the cost of facing this fucking guy. It’d be like asking your boss for a raise in front of your entire office while naked and being pelted with cow pies. Diego Sanchez is Richard Simmons’ spirit animal. When monkeys are injected with RAGE-virus, they see Diego Sanchez, which is why I find it all the more brash that Conor McGregor has recently taken to mocking Sanchez on Twitter. It’s almost as if he isn’t aware that Sanchez has likely already purchased the plans to his home and begun installing Rube Goldbergian death traps in it while McGregor is sleeping.

You just don’t fuck with that kind of crazy, and I can only hope that Jury comes out of this alive. He seems like a nice kid with a very full life ahead of him. Even if that’s not the case, he’s simply too young to be trapped in a dry well with Greenskeepers playing on loop for the rest of his life.

-J. Jones

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