Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

Dream-Casting the Upcoming Ronda Rousey Porn Parody, ‘Ronda ArouseMe’

Audrey Bitoni as “Ariola Celeste”

I mean, the resemblance is just uncanny here, so much so that if it weren’t for that Brazzers logo, I would forget which one was the pornstar and which was the octagon girl (the pornstar being the more clothed one in this instance surely isn’t helping). Throw in the fact that Rousey and Celeste have the kind of history that can only be solved through an intense “grappling” session, and you’ve got yourself an award-winning, female-empowering dynamic that would make Thelma and Louise drive off that cliff ten times over.

Jessa Rhodes as “Gauge VanZant”

I don’t know exactly how Paige VanZant fits into the Ronda Rousey universe, but again, the similarities here are too striking to pass up. Maybe you have a scene where Rousey feels threatened by the hot new girl on the block, and they have to settle it with good old fashioned fisticuffs? God, I hate myself for writing that.

Ron Jeremy as “Huge-o Peen Leswell”

Who better to play the mentor of the biggest star in UFC History (trademark Bangya Right) than the most famous star in adult film history? The role practically writes itself: A young Rousey, talented in the f*ck game but in need of some fine tuning, calls upon The Sultan of Screwing, The Master of Muff-Diving, The Bovine of 69 (trademark pending), to teach her the tricks of the trade and elevate her skills to a level previously thought unachievable (preferably via a montage set to the tune of Stryper’s “Sympathy”)

In a rare double role, Jeremy will also be cast as Steven Seagal for a scat scene that will just destroy your f*cking life.

Sunny Leone as “Gina Caranal”

Ah yes, the fight that has always eluded Rousey and one that would make for the P4P hottest staredown in MMA History. Like Leone, Gina Carano has been out of the game for awhile now, but that hasn’t stopped us from clinging to the ridiculous hope that she may one day return to the world that made her famous. While both Leone and Carano have both gone on to achieve semi-stardom in industries considered more “legitimate” by the general public than MMA/porn, the interest in both stars remains as prominent as ever among hardcore fans (wordplay!), making Leone a perfect fit to play the woman who, coincidentally, will appear in the first row of results when you Google “Sunny Leone MMA.”

Chyna as “Bliss Cyborg”

Hey, the fans want what they want! The fact is, Cris Cyborg‘s name has become so synonymous with Rousey’s over the years that neglecting to include her in a porn bipoic (pornopic? bionography?) would be downright sacrilegious. Cyborg is the Frazier to Rousey’s Ali, the Manning to her Brady, and the snake to her mongoose (or perhaps the mongoose to her snake). So what if they haven’t fought yet and probably never will! This lifelong blood feud is important, dammit, and bears a mention in any form of celluloid devoted to Rousey’s life!! So look upon what you have sowed, MMA fans!! Look at it!!

How’d we do, Tater Nation? Tell us your fantasy lineup for ‘Ronda ArouseMe’ in the comments section and try to hide your shame. 

< previous page

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

comments
Sort by : Show hidden comments
CagePotatoMMA