(Unboxing the care package Dude Wipes sent CagePotato. Thanks, Dude Products!)
By Matt Saccaro
Dude Wipes, in some ways, are the ultimate expression of the ridiculous Dude-Bro culture ingrained in MMA–or that marketers think is ingrained in MMA. Whether through derision, revulsion, or legitimate curiosity, Dude Wipes became one of the top trends on Twitter during the fights. While some were happy to simply laugh at Dude Wipes and write them off as some kind of oddity, CagePotato wanted to know more. Myself and everyone else on the CagePotato editorial staff will never let it be said we won’t go to any heights (or depths) to the get stories that matter most to MMA. Dude Wipes, we believed, was one of those stories.
Thus, I went out to Walgreens and Target the morning after UFC 174, but found no Dude Wipes. Dejected, I resorted to making a post about them citing several Amazon reviews. But fate tossed me a life preserver in the shape of a Dude Wipe. Dude Products, makers of Dude Wipes, found out about my dilemma and hooked me up. I was excited to get my hands (and butt cheeks) on some Dude Wipes. Check them out:
I also got two wristbands that say “Fresh ass dude” and “#DudeWipes” on them; they’re shown in the video.
So how did they measure up to my expectations?
I talk about it a bit in the above video detailing my initial reaction to them, but I hadn’t used them at that point. That video was just an appetizer.
After filming, I made sure to put myself into two distinct scenarios where Dude Wipes would be most useful: A bout of so-called “mud butt” diarrhea and an episode of excessive sweat–both without possibility of showering afterwards.
I trekked up to Taco Bell, America’s greatest guarantor of gastrointestinal malaise, and ordered enough fuel to give the bathroom at Castle CagePotato a new paint job. I especially liked the new Quesarito dish they have. I ordered mine without sour cream and chipotle sauce. I also indulged in a churro for good measure. Delicious.
Within an hour or two, the whirring of my intestines let me know I’d need my Dude Wipes soon. I’ll spare you the next set of details.
Once the intestinal aftershocks from the Taco Bell subsided, I broke out my bike and rode it around long enough to break out into a good sweat–and then some. I got back home, whipped out some Dude Wipes, and pretended I was a 13-year-old in gym class who was too shy to use the showers. The Dude Wipes performed well enough here. I definitely felt fresher from them.
Some might say Dude Wipes are a needlessly gendered product. They’re right, but it doesn’t have to be this way. My biggest complaint about the Dude Wipes is that there’s nothing “Dude” about them outside of the sleek, modern, masculine packaging. They’d be great if they smelled like, I don’t know, cologne? Let me put it another way: After I use a Dude Wipe, I want to feel like a 7-foot tall lumberjack who just fucked the prom queen. I didn’t necessarily feel that way after I used them yesterday.
Furthermore, after the Taco Bell’s migration out of my colon, I was really pumped up to see how Dude Wipes would perform, only for them to be indistinguishable from baby wipes. It’d be in their best interest to make their product standout rather than just the angle at which the product is marketed.
Dude Wipes, from what I can tell, are aiming to simultaneously fulfill the functions of both baby wipes and deodorant body spray. They want to create a product that can freshen you up (either after a nasty crap or just when you’re sweaty/dirty but can’t shower) and also make you smell manly. While it succeeds in making you feel clean–I wanted to wear my “clean ass dude” wristband with pride because I was a clean ass dude thanks to the Dude Wipes–it leaves a bit to be desired in the smell manly part.
To reiterate: I would quite like Dude Wipes if they had a good–but not overpowering–masculine scent.
In terms of pure function, Dude Wipes work fine. The “crib edition” is essentially a pack of baby wipes, however. Still, their individualized, portable wipes are extremely handy and discreet. I’ll definitely be bringing a handful with me every day before I go to work as long as I have them.
TLDR: Dude Wipes has the wipes part down but needs to work on the dude aspect. Nevertheless, they can be pretty convenient. Pick up one of the to-go packs containing 30 Dude Wipes and see how you like them. You never know when diarrhea will rear it’s ugly, malformed, liquidy, corn-flecked head!