(“Make this quick, fellas, I got a softball game in like two hours.”)

What it do, nephews? Kimbo, Tank, Ricco, Bigfoot, and the rest of the gang are about to do battle at Miami’s Bank United Center. Watch the action on Showtime starting at 10 p.m. if you can, and/or follow our round-by-round results and commentary after the jump. Click the “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes, and let’s have some good clean fights out there. WAR FERGUSON!

10:00: This program contains “adult language.” And violence, I would imagine. Highlights from Kimbo and Tank’s careers are run down, and the EliteXC dance squad does their thing. Holy crap, does Bill Goldberg dye his goatee white? Speaking of facial hair, Kimbo’s beard has that jheri curl sparkle. A man who loves his applicator…

10:08: Heavyweights Brett “The Grim” Rogers and James “Colossus” Thompson are up first. Rogers looks a lil’ doughy. Thompson comes out with no entourage. Poor guy. Both guys are 6’4″, Rogers has 11 pounds on JT.

10:12: Jimmy Lennon is no Bruce Buffer. And Stephen Quadros looks like a wax dummy of Kevin Bacon.

10:14: Round 1. Gong and Dash! Thompson sprints at Rogers and bulls him into the cage, then onto the ground. Rogers pops up and they exchange shots in the clinch. Thompson takes Rogers down, who gets back up and unleashes a nasty series of punches at Thompson’s face that knocks him out. Rogers “smokes James Thompson like a Cuban cigar in Little Havana!” “Which actually isn’t that far from here.” Thanks Stephen! Rogers remains undefeated.

10:20: The official result — Brett Rogers wins by TKO at 2:24 seconds in round 1. Rogers disses Thompson’s chin in the post-fight interview, and the crowd boos. “Hey, they can boo if they want, but the guy went down, so wobble wobble.”

10:24: Kimbo and Tank’s past segments on Jimmy Kimmel are replayed to kill some time. Man, Tank’s beating of Andy Dick is classic.

10:26: 160-pounders Yves Edwards and Edson “Little Tiger” [aww!] Berto are up next. Yves Edwards is the “long-time and well-versed cage-master…[who] brings something called ‘thug-jitsu’ to the cage.” Edwards: “It’s the modern art of the beatdown.”

10:33: Round 1. Edwards start with some leg kicks, and Berto returns the favor. Berto’s strikes are *hard*. He takes Edwards down, then takes side-control. Berto sinks in a nasty looking guillatine choke, but Edwards survives and slips it. Edwards looks for a kimura and can’t get it, but winds up on top of Berto in his guard. Edwards gets in some solid shots from the top. They’re stood up with 30 seconds left, and Berto lands a grazing head-kick. Edwards drives a jumping knee into his face while Berto had one of his legs, knocking him out. Amazing knockout, very Faber-esque.

10:40: Berto “went down faster than the stock market in 1929!” Jesus, these commenters. Edwards wins by knockout at 4:56 into the first round.

10:44: Bill Goldberg is interviewing Kimbo backstage. Kimbo’s beard is shiny as shit. It’s like he rubs diamond powder into it. Now he’s talking to Tank. After a mid-day nap, Tank is fully rested.

10:47: Middleweights Scott Smith and Kyle Noke are next. Noke, according to the announcer, is a “recognized Australian pound-for-pound contender.” The hell does that even mean? No homo, but Noke’s nipples are tiny. Smith is “known for the most dramatic comeback since Lazarus.” Ugh.

10:53: Round 1. The crowd boos after 20 seconds of feeling out. Buncha savages. A couple jabs here and there, then Noke nails Smith with a hard leg kick. And another one. More boxing, but not much damage on either side. Okay, now I’m ready to start booing. Noke has a small cut under his right eye. The boos are now DEAFENING. Smith with a strong right, a solid combo, and some kicks. And there’s the bell. Eh, they can’t all be first-round K.O.s. Smith most likely wins the round, but it was close.

10:59: Round 2. OHHHH!!!! Smith comes out immediately and “hits Kyle Noke so hard he rearranges his DNA.” It was like a horror-movie punch — about a pint of blood flew out of Noke’s face and he immediately went into a coma.

11:02: Noke finally regains consciousness, but his lip is split wide open. Rough. Smith wins by knockout seven seconds into round two. Boo that, you sons of bitches. Like a gentleman, Smith apologizes to the crowd for the boring first round, and says he wants Robbie Lawler.

11:06: They’re playing the video of Goldberg training with Kimbo Slice. Dude needs to work on his cardio.

11:07: Antonio Silva and Ricco Rodriguez are next. Rodriguez is “ten pounds of smugness in a five-pound bag.” Goldberg: “As a human being, the jury is still out on Ricco Rodriguez.” Awesome. Aren’t they supposed to be unbaised? Silva “moves with the alacrity of a much-smaller man.” Goldberg: “Alacrity?” Renallo: “Is this the man who could beat Fedor?” Ricco isn’t in awesome shape, by the way. He looks like he’s retaining water.

11:12: Bigfoot has a big tattoo on his back of a cartoonish foot with a fist in the center. How did we miss that in our Worst Tattoos list?

11:14: Round 1. Ricco’s gut is serious. It hangs way over his shorts. Silva is respecting him though; he’s playing it cool so far, and Ricco is working some stick-and-move. Two minutes in, and he’s actually winning the round. But he gets caught with a punch while throwing a knee. Silva bashes a jab. He gets Ricco on his heels with some punches, but can’t hurt him, and Ricco takes him down. Ricco is trying to GnP, with little success. One minute left. If Ricco can dominate Bigfoot, Fedor would skin him and eat him. Ricco gets a good short elbow in, and the round ends.

11:21: Round 2. This is the first time Silva’s been in the second round of a fight. Ricco catches Silva’s kick and almost takes him down again. Ricco hits the ground trying to take Silva down, and Silva pounces, piling some leather into Ricco’s face. Silva has side control, and rains down big punches. Goldberg: “Think of what a slim, in-shape Ricco Rodriguez would be like now.” The ref halts the match so the doctor can check Ricco’s left eye, which has a painful-looking cut on the lid. Fatso throws a spin kick and hits air! Silva gets him down and almost gets the choke. And the bell. Damn…Silva is not looking impressive in this fight.

11:28: I never thought we’d see a round 3 in this fight, but here it is. Silva looks like he’s loading up for the right opportunity. He shoots in for a takedown and gets Ricco down. Heavy punches from Silva. Both guys look pretty winded, and the crowd boos. The ref stands ‘em up, and Ricco looks wobbly. Ricco lands a nice head-kick, and takes Silva to the mat. Ricco again trying to GnP, but Silva does well in defending. Wow, what a shitty fight this is. I wonder if Gary Shaw still thinks Bigfoot could take on any heavyweight in the world. There’s the bell.

11:34: Quadros: “Ricco’s been written off so many times, and he’s still here. What do we say about cockroaches?”

11:35: Antonio Silva wins by split decision. Yeah bro, you should be really happy that you won a squeaker against this schlub. Time for a piss break.

11:39: Pitbull takes the stage. It sounds like he’s lip-synching. The crowd ain’t so much into it, even though the chorus to his song is “Ay, a-305 til i die.” That’s your area code, people. Aaaaand he’s done. 90 seconds, and it’s over.

11:43: Tank Abbott enters the cage. He’s “more public enemy that Flava Flav.” Honestly, he doesn’t look any fatter than Ricco Rodriguez.

11:44: Southbeat up in this bitch. Kimbo comes out with Bas and Khatami in his corner. He looks calm. Tank has 29 pounds on Kimbo. Both men’s styles are listed as “Brawling,” which is kind of an insult to Kimbo.

11:49: Hold onto your hats, people.

11:51: The crowd chants “KIMBO!” “Which version of tank will we see tonight, Sherman or septic?” Round 1. They come out brawling, and the ref stops the fight and warns Kimbo for whaling on the back of Tank’s head. Both men are landing big shots, but Tank is getting the worst of it, and he goes down! Fight over! Kimbo wins in a slugfest!

11:53: So, Tank lasted a little longer then Bo Cantrell. But he was honestly impressive in the way he stood toe-to-toe with Kimbo. Impressive or stupid. Probably stupid. They shows each other much love after the match.

11:54: In the replay, those shots to the back of Tank’s head were nasty. The dude should know better, but sometimes you get into war mode. It was a right-left combo that finally put Tank’s lights out.

11:56: Kimbo wins via knockout in 43 seconds of the first. So, I was 16 seconds off. Kimbo says the afterparty will be at Opium.

11:59: So, that’s pretty much it. Except for this: Frank Trigg is a moron. “Tank Abbott will give you a lesson in how a real fight goes, how a real MMA fighter punches.” Fucking wow. Can’t wait for the retraction. I guess they’re not showing any of the undercard, which means I’m off to the bar…

fin