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EliteXC: ‘Street Certified’ LIVEBLOG

(“Make this quick, fellas, I got a softball game in like two hours.”)

What it do, nephews? Kimbo, Tank, Ricco, Bigfoot, and the rest of the gang are about to do battle at Miami’s Bank United Center. Watch the action on Showtime starting at 10 p.m. if you can, and/or follow our round-by-round results and commentary after the jump. Click the “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes, and let’s have some good clean fights out there. WAR FERGUSON!

10:00: This program contains “adult language.” And violence, I would imagine. Highlights from Kimbo and Tank’s careers are run down, and the EliteXC dance squad does their thing. Holy crap, does Bill Goldberg dye his goatee white? Speaking of facial hair, Kimbo’s beard has that jheri curl sparkle. A man who loves his applicator…

10:08: Heavyweights Brett “The Grim” Rogers and James “Colossus” Thompson are up first. Rogers looks a lil’ doughy. Thompson comes out with no entourage. Poor guy. Both guys are 6’4″, Rogers has 11 pounds on JT.

10:12: Jimmy Lennon is no Bruce Buffer. And Stephen Quadros looks like a wax dummy of Kevin Bacon.

10:14: Round 1. Gong and Dash! Thompson sprints at Rogers and bulls him into the cage, then onto the ground. Rogers pops up and they exchange shots in the clinch. Thompson takes Rogers down, who gets back up and unleashes a nasty series of punches at Thompson’s face that knocks him out. Rogers “smokes James Thompson like a Cuban cigar in Little Havana!” “Which actually isn’t that far from here.” Thanks Stephen! Rogers remains undefeated.

10:20: The official result — Brett Rogers wins by TKO at 2:24 seconds in round 1. Rogers disses Thompson’s chin in the post-fight interview, and the crowd boos. “Hey, they can boo if they want, but the guy went down, so wobble wobble.”

10:24: Kimbo and Tank’s past segments on Jimmy Kimmel are replayed to kill some time. Man, Tank’s beating of Andy Dick is classic.

10:26: 160-pounders Yves Edwards and Edson “Little Tiger” [aww!] Berto are up next. Yves Edwards is the “long-time and well-versed cage-master…[who] brings something called ‘thug-jitsu’ to the cage.” Edwards: “It’s the modern art of the beatdown.”

10:33: Round 1. Edwards start with some leg kicks, and Berto returns the favor. Berto’s strikes are *hard*. He takes Edwards down, then takes side-control. Berto sinks in a nasty looking guillatine choke, but Edwards survives and slips it. Edwards looks for a kimura and can’t get it, but winds up on top of Berto in his guard. Edwards gets in some solid shots from the top. They’re stood up with 30 seconds left, and Berto lands a grazing head-kick. Edwards drives a jumping knee into his face while Berto had one of his legs, knocking him out. Amazing knockout, very Faber-esque.

10:40: Berto “went down faster than the stock market in 1929!” Jesus, these commenters. Edwards wins by knockout at 4:56 into the first round.

10:44: Bill Goldberg is interviewing Kimbo backstage. Kimbo’s beard is shiny as shit. It’s like he rubs diamond powder into it. Now he’s talking to Tank. After a mid-day nap, Tank is fully rested.

10:47: Middleweights Scott Smith and Kyle Noke are next. Noke, according to the announcer, is a “recognized Australian pound-for-pound contender.” The hell does that even mean? No homo, but Noke’s nipples are tiny. Smith is “known for the most dramatic comeback since Lazarus.” Ugh.

10:53: Round 1. The crowd boos after 20 seconds of feeling out. Buncha savages. A couple jabs here and there, then Noke nails Smith with a hard leg kick. And another one. More boxing, but not much damage on either side. Okay, now I’m ready to start booing. Noke has a small cut under his right eye. The boos are now DEAFENING. Smith with a strong right, a solid combo, and some kicks. And there’s the bell. Eh, they can’t all be first-round K.O.s. Smith most likely wins the round, but it was close.

10:59: Round 2. OHHHH!!!! Smith comes out immediately and “hits Kyle Noke so hard he rearranges his DNA.” It was like a horror-movie punch — about a pint of blood flew out of Noke’s face and he immediately went into a coma.

11:02: Noke finally regains consciousness, but his lip is split wide open. Rough. Smith wins by knockout seven seconds into round two. Boo that, you sons of bitches. Like a gentleman, Smith apologizes to the crowd for the boring first round, and says he wants Robbie Lawler.

11:06: They’re playing the video of Goldberg training with Kimbo Slice. Dude needs to work on his cardio.

11:07: Antonio Silva and Ricco Rodriguez are next. Rodriguez is “ten pounds of smugness in a five-pound bag.” Goldberg: “As a human being, the jury is still out on Ricco Rodriguez.” Awesome. Aren’t they supposed to be unbaised? Silva “moves with the alacrity of a much-smaller man.” Goldberg: “Alacrity?” Renallo: “Is this the man who could beat Fedor?” Ricco isn’t in awesome shape, by the way. He looks like he’s retaining water.

11:12: Bigfoot has a big tattoo on his back of a cartoonish foot with a fist in the center. How did we miss that in our Worst Tattoos list?

11:14: Round 1. Ricco’s gut is serious. It hangs way over his shorts. Silva is respecting him though; he’s playing it cool so far, and Ricco is working some stick-and-move. Two minutes in, and he’s actually winning the round. But he gets caught with a punch while throwing a knee. Silva bashes a jab. He gets Ricco on his heels with some punches, but can’t hurt him, and Ricco takes him down. Ricco is trying to GnP, with little success. One minute left. If Ricco can dominate Bigfoot, Fedor would skin him and eat him. Ricco gets a good short elbow in, and the round ends.

11:21: Round 2. This is the first time Silva’s been in the second round of a fight. Ricco catches Silva’s kick and almost takes him down again. Ricco hits the ground trying to take Silva down, and Silva pounces, piling some leather into Ricco’s face. Silva has side control, and rains down big punches. Goldberg: “Think of what a slim, in-shape Ricco Rodriguez would be like now.” The ref halts the match so the doctor can check Ricco’s left eye, which has a painful-looking cut on the lid. Fatso throws a spin kick and hits air! Silva gets him down and almost gets the choke. And the bell. Damn…Silva is not looking impressive in this fight.

11:28: I never thought we’d see a round 3 in this fight, but here it is. Silva looks like he’s loading up for the right opportunity. He shoots in for a takedown and gets Ricco down. Heavy punches from Silva. Both guys look pretty winded, and the crowd boos. The ref stands ‘em up, and Ricco looks wobbly. Ricco lands a nice head-kick, and takes Silva to the mat. Ricco again trying to GnP, but Silva does well in defending. Wow, what a shitty fight this is. I wonder if Gary Shaw still thinks Bigfoot could take on any heavyweight in the world. There’s the bell.

11:34: Quadros: “Ricco’s been written off so many times, and he’s still here. What do we say about cockroaches?”

11:35: Antonio Silva wins by split decision. Yeah bro, you should be really happy that you won a squeaker against this schlub. Time for a piss break.

11:39: Pitbull takes the stage. It sounds like he’s lip-synching. The crowd ain’t so much into it, even though the chorus to his song is “Ay, a-305 til i die.” That’s your area code, people. Aaaaand he’s done. 90 seconds, and it’s over.

11:43: Tank Abbott enters the cage. He’s “more public enemy that Flava Flav.” Honestly, he doesn’t look any fatter than Ricco Rodriguez.

11:44: Southbeat up in this bitch. Kimbo comes out with Bas and Khatami in his corner. He looks calm. Tank has 29 pounds on Kimbo. Both men’s styles are listed as “Brawling,” which is kind of an insult to Kimbo.

11:49: Hold onto your hats, people.

11:51: The crowd chants “KIMBO!” “Which version of tank will we see tonight, Sherman or septic?” Round 1. They come out brawling, and the ref stops the fight and warns Kimbo for whaling on the back of Tank’s head. Both men are landing big shots, but Tank is getting the worst of it, and he goes down! Fight over! Kimbo wins in a slugfest!

11:53: So, Tank lasted a little longer then Bo Cantrell. But he was honestly impressive in the way he stood toe-to-toe with Kimbo. Impressive or stupid. Probably stupid. They shows each other much love after the match.

11:54: In the replay, those shots to the back of Tank’s head were nasty. The dude should know better, but sometimes you get into war mode. It was a right-left combo that finally put Tank’s lights out.

11:56: Kimbo wins via knockout in 43 seconds of the first. So, I was 16 seconds off. Kimbo says the afterparty will be at Opium.

11:59: So, that’s pretty much it. Except for this: Frank Trigg is a moron. “Tank Abbott will give you a lesson in how a real fight goes, how a real MMA fighter punches.” Fucking wow. Can’t wait for the retraction. I guess they’re not showing any of the undercard, which means I’m off to the bar…


Cagepotato Comments

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Steve-O- February 18, 2008 at 12:27 am
You're right, I find plenty of things wrong with the matches. But there were plenty of things right about them as well. You said it was the worst night of MMA ever, and you're nowhere near being right. Good fights overall, 4 of 5 early finishes...I'd say that's pretty good.

You're so cool dude, I would love to get you in a ring.
mmafan- February 17, 2008 at 11:21 pm
kinda funny you find so many things wrong with the tevevised matches but you were entertained. but i'm the idiot. What a fucking loser. I watch as much as I can weather its on cable internet or ppv on a very few occasions live. this is the last I will respond to you so enjoy your worthless life.
Steve-O- February 17, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Hey I already said I couldn't vouch for the Ricco and Silva fight...I've never been sold on Ricco. Unfortunately he's got just enough ring experience to grind out 3 rounds with an otherwise talented Silva. And for Kimbo and Tank, what did you expect....really? You still tuned in even though you knew you weren't gonna see a display of talent, so eat shit you fake ass fan.

And for Thompson/Rogers, we all knew he'd get his head knocked off...but that never gets boring in my opinion. But I'll stand by what I said and say that Edwards put on an amazing show and a basically flawless performance. The aussie also did pretty well the first round as far as his boxing skills go, but as soon as Smith found his range, his power prevailed.

Bonnar/Forrest? You go right ahead, witness another defenseless slugfest, which is exciting but in no way resembles MMA. UFC has aired several nights of fighting that were far less exciting than this show, so like I said, stick to cable tv sucka
MMA FAN- February 17, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Steve O you said it yourself lets recap a glass jaw in a fight that sounds interesting. A overweight drunk vs. a thug from the street in a KO wow i am amused now and lets not forget the rehaber that looks like he just left white castle. Your right that was a great night. I should ask your opinion more often.
MMA FAN- February 17, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Steve O Are you fucking crazy. They bring in a drunk to fight a guy 2 fights off the street an the fight prior they have a fighter fresh off celeb rehab on vh1 and you think it was good. The only decent fight televised was Smiths knockout. Even that was way to long. Smith looked like shit in the first but looked like the Smith I have seen before in the second. So stick to your Blogs and posts to entertain yourself. I am always waiting for another fight like either one of the Bonner/ forest fights. Smith should have beatin the ausi 10 sec into the first.
badazz- February 17, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I agree with all yall. Kimbo needs to fight someone with some talent. Lets see, an old ex-boxer, a dude with a 10-10 record, and yes good ol Tank. Come on, even my 8 year old daughter could beat them. Granted, Kimbo does look pretty good, but until he goes up against someone who actually has some talent, we will never know how good he really is. Now, Edwards is the man. That was one hell of a knockout. Other than that, a despicable night for MMA. Very disappointing.

Like we all are saying, if Kimbo actually took on someone with skill and ability, he wouldn't last past the second round. Until that happens, Kimbo is nothing more than an internet sensation, not a MMA fighter.
shutupandfight- February 16, 2008 at 11:03 pm
pathetic...feel sorry for Tank but i shouldn't...skillless bastage rode 'er out for a long time.

KS will get destroyed by a HW or even LHW with skill and some lungs...and both he and Bas know it....he'll ride (read MILK) it out like Tank...with ten times the hype.

btw, how did KS NOT make the Ugliest Mo Fos in MMA list???
Steve-O- February 16, 2008 at 9:01 pm
MMA FAN: "That was the worst night of MMA I have ever seen televised."

Are you serious dude? How many televised events have you seen? All the fights that were aired were pretty damn good minus the superheavyweight rehab-fest ricco rodriguez put on. Ok, Kimbo and Tank didn't display much true MMA, but it was still pretty damn exciting. The Yves Edwards fight was an awesome display of talent, as was the Scott Smith fight. Bret Rogers didn't display much offensive skill before knocking out glass-jaw Thompson, but his defense against the takedown and clinch game was great. Basically what you're telling me by making a statement like that is that you're a complete idiot and in no way are you a true MMA fan. You're probably a part of the reality series onslaught of fake-ass fight fans, stick to cable tv douchebag.
NipGrip- February 16, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Wait a second.. Are we talking about Tyson today fighting Kimbo or 19 year old Tyson vs Kimbo? I think 19 year old Tyson vs Kimbo would have been a good fight but Tyson would get beat nowadays I do believe.
the glza- February 16, 2008 at 6:15 pm
kimbo vs. tyson would be another disappointing, short brawl. mike tyson is my fav boxer -- i grew up watching and idolizing him. deep down inside, i really wish he could train in mma and become someone to be feared again, but even deeper down inside i know that the odds of that happening are about nil.

but damn you, mmafan for putting that fight into my imagination, now i can't stop thinking about it...
MMA FAN- February 16, 2008 at 5:34 pm
That was the worst night of MMA I have ever seen televised. Kimbo is a great fighter but, when is Showtime going to get some decent REAL MMA fighters to give him a chalenge? And Aryan I don't want to see Brock and Kimbo fight until each of them fight a decent mma guy to prove themselves. Just a prediction from me but I say showtime gets or tries to get Tyson to fight mma as their next gimick. You always hear Kimbo say he wants to fight Tyson.
Aryan- February 16, 2008 at 5:04 pm
The comment above is me. I dont know why it shows bmwtech
bmwtech- February 16, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Tyrus is right. Lets see Kimbo fight someone good. Cheick Kongo? Or better yet Brock Lesnar! they both dont have much experience in mma but can punch a guys head off his fuckin body
garnerboy- February 16, 2008 at 5:00 pm
wow kimbo beat tank ! woo hoo ! but so have 13 other people kimbo still hasnt had any real opponent ! i cant wait for him to get dusted ! i think they should match him with brock lesnar ! or a rematch with gannon ! but he does look real good ! i think he took it easy on tank !
Dudeman- February 16, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I agree with Tyrus.....Kimbo needs to fight someone relevant in MMA today.
bmwtech- February 16, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Is it just me, or is the commentator on elite xc make you want to rip your ears off!! Alright,,,we get it you are quick with metaphors, spare us for christ sakes!!
Tyrus- February 16, 2008 at 2:32 pm
wtf are you people talking about? Tank is a washed up fat old guy that still thinks he can fight.

So lets see...kimbo has now fought an old ass ex boxer who was retired for 10 years that had no MMA experience....then as I said, a fat 42 y/o who has lost his last...what is it now, 8 fights?

NipGrip2- February 16, 2008 at 4:47 am
43 seconds?
NipGrip- February 16, 2008 at 4:45 am
Kimbo hits like a fucking dumptruck, that's what in the world.
Asian- February 16, 2008 at 4:45 am
"Then Kimbo went to plan KO"
These commentators suck.
SeRiaL- February 16, 2008 at 4:44 am
I'm shaking, that was so wonderful. I still love Tank but omg what a pure and beautiful power Kimbo has =)
Asian- February 16, 2008 at 4:43 am
ok had tank been drinking or something???? i mean what in the world!!!
NipGrip2- February 16, 2008 at 4:43 am
Broke his fucking neck.
Asian- February 16, 2008 at 4:43 am
Tanks Done!!
Nakedpirate- February 16, 2008 at 4:42 am
Kimbo won