Pitbull's Check List

1) Add Fedor to the Christmas list.
2) Send a Fruitcake the night before the fight filled with Hunam Growth Hormone. 3) Get KTFO!
4) Win anyway by disqualification two days later.
5) Hit Morphine button AGAIN!

1) Get radioactive spiders from back home near Chernobyl

2) Tell Fedor how taste his pee pee pee

3)Pray

4)

5) Profit!!!!!????

Dear Santa

i would like a chin for christmas.

ps and a bike and a plane some gi joes a monkey a puppy and a tiger.

Note to self...Shave back for fans with high def...

Dear Mr. Seth Petruzelli,
I understand you "solve problems"...

if I just hand fedor 2 ice cream cones right before the match starts...

In in a Belarusian accent while thinking in his head while writing:

"Fedor has no obvious hole in game. He hit very hard, yet I have weak jaw....
So plan to lose quickly, collect check, and fight somewhere else. How do I survive getting KO'd when I got knock out by the legend Datsik?"

Note to self.... Think about quitting MMA and call Oleg Taktarov to see if there are and open parts to play russian mob guy#2 in his next movie.

Note to self.... Don't forget to send Tom Atencio and his life partner Lance a gift for there recent marrige.

"Dear Diary,

Well, it happened again today. It seems like every time I turn around some guy is pounding a pussy that I went through two years ago."

Questions to answer -

- Who the hell are these asian kids?

- Why did I buy leopard print pillow?

- Where did I put my phone? Ah yes on the charger on mantle!

- How to beat a fedorah... Oh wait they meant FEDOR?!?

IIIIII).... No that sucked...

((_)IIIIIIIID Hahah I found to draw how my big pee pee!

tim taste fedor's pee pee pee...... i was first.... mean im better than fedor?

"Dear hospital staff,

Thank you very much for your care following by brutal loss to Fedor Emelianenko. My friends tell me you were very helpful during my coma and your facial reconstruction expertise was much appreciated.

-Andrei"

Call Fedor . . . Get Satan's digits . . . must make similar deal . . .

***Have strippers report to hospital instead of club!

Superhero Weaknesses:
Superman - Magic, Kryptonite
Green Lantern - Wood, Yellow
Fedor - Ice cream, Homoerotic Sauna Time (must find how keep ice cream from melt in sauna)

Dangada Dangada Dang

Never ever let him take that choke because when you're out God knows what they're gonna do to you.

"Look Sir I really don't want anything of this" and I go whoop and I slit your throat and it's over and out.

"Apparently Fedor mistook Timmy for Officer Farva from Super Troopers...easy mistake"

"Note to self: do not have sex with championship belt on...the karmic comeback of douchebaggery comes in the form of Fedor"

**I mean in Russian**

"??? ???? ????? ????? ?????"

("Groin kick very much" in German)

Prefight shopping list:

-aleve
-icepack
-large sunglasses
-blackout curtains
-soft pillow

Inject fedor with steroids prior to fight, have testing done after fight win by dq f yeah.


Uhhh inject fedor with steroids.... mmmmaybe not

check this out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV2CABRQBXA

Leave the guy alone, can't he work on his victory speech without having a camera shoved in his face?

I'm going to beat fedor like a red headed step child...

...if anyone shows up to my funeral not on this list, tell them I'm sorry I forgot about them...

I am going to beat mr. fedor like a sunday boner...

Left, left right left right left right. Take back and choke out. This time I've got your number Silvia... oh... fuck.

Develope a new gameplan

I cant wait for this fourth fight between me and tim

In the event that I am left in a vegetative state, please pull the plug....and do not put anything about my "pee pee" on my freaking tombstone. Just let it die....with me.

Note to self:
Ask agent for Kalib Starnes number. Need backpeddling tips!

Have to dye my hair pink and then hopefully I can Seth Petruzelli this guy and go crazy

1. Don’t let Fedor do that to me.

Go to the top rope and go supafly jimmy snuka on him

"Vat is five letter voord for 'to be in possession of, past tense'?"

Wow Tim wasn't that much of a puss when I fought him. Bob and weave just like freddy taught me.

I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.
I will not sign to fight better fighters than me.

Sylvia just sharted....

Note to self: Eat at least three cones of ice cream. That´ll get him scared.

Oh so I shouldn't come out as an over-paid, over-weight piece of shit fighter with no skill.

Dear Dana:

Our plan to defeat Fedor Emelianko so only UFC fighters will be ranked number 1 may have a slight problem. Maybe Brock Lesnar would be better for this job?

Your friend,

Andrei

P.S. Sorry, I forgot our secret code names.

Practice speaking with straw in mouth.
Contact TK, ask for elbow instructional.

At least he's not Rambo...

x o x
o x
o x o "Damn it, I just CAN'T win..."

It seems to me, I've lived my life like a candle in the wind...

Dear Gerard Butler, would you happen to be available for work in an action movie called Day of Reckoning? Please let me know, btw some minimal stunt work required.

What was that code again? Oh yea, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, start, now back to watching these cool highlight vids.

Fedor weak point seems to be his untested testicles

"Emanlie......., Emilyenk......, Amanlyk........, Russian vs. Sylvia"

Fedor = good cardio

must train for fight to last at least 36 seconds

Note to self: Buy beard comb and a hot pocket.

In My Will.

#1 Dana Whites gets my Mouthpiece (thanx but it did not work)

#2 Leave my gloves to small children of Chicago.

#3 The money left in my account goes to Tim Slyvia (I figure he gets all my leftovers anyhow)

#4 I want to buried facedown so everyone can see my better side(also i'm sure this will be how I look after this fight anyhow)

#5 I leave my worthless Afflection T-shirts to the bum Living on the corner below the Bridge (I hear they make good firestarters, and I would rather him burn them then see some wannabe tough guys waer them)

RIP.
Andre

"Note to Self.. Sell ridiculously large couch...i just cant get comfortable on this phuking thing"

MY BUCKET LIST
-------------------
1.Learn the macarena.
2.Kite surfing.
3.Tell Tim sorry for hurtful things i said.
4...

[letter starts 0:50...]
Dear Mr. Fedor,
Due to recent life-changing revelations, i have forever renounced performing any acts of malevolence upon my fellow man...
[1:19]...and what if during the second world war Russians and Bellarussians did not stick together,what then...
[2:17]...Can't you see that that's what THEY wanted us to do? And we were falling right into THEIR plans dude - LOL. I'm just glad i figured it out in time...

"Fedor destroyed Tim Sylvia. Tim Sylvia beat me up twice. Fuck me..."

"Dear Diary,
Dillon asked me to the prom today!!! He's such a dreamboat! It's going to be so incredible... I think I'm going to lose it to him. Oh my god I have to call Becky!"

I, Andrei Arlovski, being of sound mind and body willfully and voluntarily make known my desire that my dying shall not be artificially prolonged by medicine or machine.

I further set forth the following division of my remaining earthly assets as my Last Will and Testament...

-Are those lunchboxes hes hitting them with?

-UFC pay for what they did to me.

-I take Kimbo next if I lose.

-Im not writing anything, I think it's funny that Cage Potato has entire thing on me

-Are we both Russian?

note to self... the Dave Caplan approach goes 0 for 2

If the titty twister is open go for it

WHY THE FUCK DID I SIGN THIS FIGHT CONTRACT

Note to self...
Consider tapout during staredown.

try not to get punched in the face

Dear Seth Petruzelli...

Dear Diary, this will be one of my last entries...

after being stunned by fedors unhuman performances, arlovski writes down a motivational motto he recently saw on mma experts internet rankings:
'this guy loses to a 210 lbs bj penn.
'this guy loses to a 210 lbs bj penn...'
...
at night though andre has nightmares about a bruised giant bj penn, internet fiction and brutal ground and pound.

LAST WILL and TESTAMENT: I leave my stamp collection and all my scary mouthguards to my dear Mama...

If only I had beaten Sylvia that fast Fedor would be watching my fight.

I leave xbox to wife.
Gloves and fake pitbull teeth go to Couture.
House and cars to mama and papa...
Bottle of peepee to Tim Sylvia.

Note to self: Blocking punch with face does not work with Fedor, must learn something else.

after watching the clips arlovski takes only impressive 6 seconds to wisely understand and jot fedors moves:
'brick on guard.
brick on ear.
brick on face.
choke on neck'

"Fedor would make an excellent prison rapist!"

1. ask ryu how to do a hadouken

Arlovski's gameplan v.4.0:

1- touch gloves
2- rush towards with suicidal flying spinning crazy overhand poisonned back fist
3- run around- fast!- and show the ref fedors bleeding.
4- tell the judge fedor suffers from diabetes
5- (still running) pray for the russian drunk-polar-bear-communist-god and hope for a stoppage

Note to self: Sylvia get paid 800,000 dollar for losing in 36 seconds..maybe i get paid twice that if i lose in 18

Arlovski's gameplan v.2.0:

1- Get in ring
2- simulate heart attack instantly after takedown

Arlovski's gameplan v.3.0:

1- slip the first flurry
2- keep standing
3- hit him once
4- run home - fast!

dear mr white:

i have changed my mind and have decided to allow full body hair arlovski image in power up mode for video game please let me come back to UFC.

Arlovski's gameplan:

1- Badass staredown
2- hands up, move around
3-wake up by monday to cash the check

Okay..... I'm offically screwed.....

Heavyweight Champion Nutrition Plan:
Stop drinking grasshoppers, substitute with Stolichnaya vodka
Eat ice cream 2 at a time until body softens enough to create element of surprise!

Being the artist that he is, Andre draws the following picture (http://fiveouncesofpain.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/couture_fedor_affliction7.jpg) with this written under it: "Taste my (ah hell, u know)!!!"

Note to self ... purchase more cheetah print pillows for when I get put to sleep

To my trainer Freddie Roach,

Why the f*ck must you talk me to this?

Hate for you.

- "Pitbull"

Dear Mr. Dana White,

I sorry for cause to you trouble. Please no make me fight Fedor. Would want rematch fat Werdum instead....please.

Miss you,
"Pitbull"

"VIDEO 1" is for to watch DVD
"AUX 1" for play X-Box
"HDMI" for to watch TV.

I guess I'll just have to cut him...

Why is my trainor making me watch these stupid videos? I rather be on cagepotato.com!

I wonder how big his penis is...

All I have to do is head butt his fists a bunch of times and I win!

Fedor - 1 Eyeball = I lose
Fedor - 2 eyeballs = I lose
Fedor - 2 eyes - 1 Leg= I lose
Fedor - 2 legs - 2 eyes - 2 arms = I lose???? fuck my life

He's obviously pretending he knows how to write. The pen is upside down.
I win.

note to self: fedor beats the shit outta people

Hmmmm... so all I must do is take a few punches and give up my back and I make 800,000.

*Note To self* Use ape technique

Dear Fans,

I have been forced to pull out of the upcoming fight with fedor. I was training too hard watching videos of previous fedor fights....

He's writing mathematical equations to predict if he has any chance in hell he is going to win... every number keeps coming out in letters confusing him.
SLIM TO NONE

1 buy pair of brass knuckles
2 shove in front of shorts
3 knock the ref out with brass knuckles
4 bring in specal guest referee dana white to dq fedor
5 round of blowjobs american style from dana and fertities

I am the master of bation, fedor will taste my pee pee!

"Day 330 I still don't know why they have me strapped to this bench watching reruns of Fedor's previous fights against my will...What does it all mean?"

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A

Dear Mr. Attentcio,
I first felt hurt in throat on Tuesday, what I pray only tickle turned to burning and now I see doctor and he say it "Streppe". I'm sorry but...

Dear Fedor,

I am your biggest fan....

Dear Fedor,

*it's going to take me forever to write this poem for mr. fedor!*

move left, dodge right, lean back...POW! right in the kisser. POW! right in the kisser. POW! right in the kisser.

I must practise my Jew Jif Shoes to beat mr. fedor

I reckon this Pitbull will be tasting no pee pee on the day of reckoning

remember to buy eggs!

*note to self* Maybe bigger fangs will intimidate mr. fedor

I should wear pink when I fight him so maybe he will taste my pee pee

''Im going to win my friend Kevin a free subscription to FIGHT magazine...''

note to self: do not suck like tim sylvia.

Get AIDS test.... Timmy looks sick....

Dear Diary,
I is fooked...

?????????? ? ???: (1) ???????? ??????, ????? ??????; (2) ?? ????????? Fedor ?????? ???; (3) ??????? ????? ?? ?????? ??????? ??????.

(Notes to self: (1) Avoid punches to face; (2) Don't let Fedor choke you; (3) Learn sambo from Blagoy Ivanov now).

Note: only way to win is to find Fedor self destruction button, also I believe my pee-pee is poison...must make Fedor taste pee-pee

Notepad:

I'm fucked. Just keep writing so it looks like I saw a weakness to the cameras. Fuck, maybe I should call Dana back now. OR maybe I can bribe Fedor with a couple of ice cream cones. Yes! Andrei, you have done it again! You DA MAN.

Top five things I must do before I die...

"Andrei use Dim Mak to end fight then jackhammer Arianny's va jay jay at afterparty...this is my way!"

1..How taste my pee pee man that still cracks me up

2..Ohh its Fedor not Vedor

3..Man this is going to suck donkey dick

*Note to self* Don't Get Hit

To belarus orphanage i leave my fang mouthpiece and blingy chain, to mother i leave professional body hair removal system, to Dana i leave the back hair toupee as stipulated in my original UFC contract, to fedor i bequeth my win bonus, and finally to Tim and Patrycja i leave only the taste of my big pee pee.

Ha! see what i did there i combined all three recurring jokes.

...lettuce, butter, pepper.."I wonder how's taste the big muskmelon this late in season...I cannot believe camera pee pee's show up during reruns of Maude"

"Man, I would love Fedor to give me a rear naked choke, that would be the best choke hes ever had... perfect blackmail to let me win!"

"fedor=god"

"still can't find fight that show fedor weakness"

"call fedor brother for help because fedor brother hate fedor"

"Should Arlovski shave chest or not shave chest?"

note to self:remember to steal vodka from fedors locker room before the fight.

I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror, when I'm undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair. Sometimes I sit at the edge of my bed, spread my legs and stare into the mirror, and wonder what others see. I love my vagina........

must get wise old thai man with long sticks to train me like JCVD did in that movie

1. Try to be relax.
2. Do not go to Ground.
3. ?????
4. Profit.

Dear Diary,

I can't get over how attractive Fedor is...I hope that he mounts me. Maybe we can get in the clinch and I can nuzzle my beard against him. Do you think that he'd like that? No, that would be silly. I feel like a giddy school girl!! I wish that this camera wasn't here so I could put my stockings on and watch this alone with a bottle of Jergens like I had planned. I think I might walk out to the Jonas Brothers and go with "The Labradoodle" instead of "Pitbull" this time....

XOXO,
Andy

Note to self: Never analize fight tape with camera crew around.
PS - Cloroform gloves before fight

shout "this is sparta!!" before kicking fedor in face

"lern inglish then be abil to undersdand joe rogin"

My Momma told me there would be days like this. Fucking bitch was right.

Dam that did not work he kicked my ass when he was 10. Ok OK go back in time have sex with his mom become his dad tell him just before the fight. "Fedor I am your Father" you must listen to me and fall down and don't get up.

Dear Hustler
Thanks for the videos but this is the worst porno ever.
signed
the Pitbull

"choke rear naked = bad"

Build time machine go back in time and Kill Fedor when he was a 10 years old.

To my girlfriend I leave my house, my cars, and...........oh wait. DAMN YOU SILVIA!

My first fight with Timmy -- Win 0:47 seconds
My second fight with Timmy -- Loss 2:43
My third fight with Timmy -- Loss UD

Time fedor took to win via murder over Timmy -- 0:36 seconds

...request new fight with Timmy

Left punch, Left punch, uppercut I fall down and lose. I still get paid right?

just keep writing, keep your tears in until the camera man leaves

Note to self:
1. Buy smaller notepad.
2. Take TV into Geek Squad, fights still playing way too fast.
3. Fix lock on teenage sex slaves' closet.

How's taste my PPV?

Dear Abby,

There is a really cute boy at work I want to ask me out, what should I do?

note to self: buy life insurance before the 24th

Dear Journal,

After a review of his last three fights I can only see one way of victory. I must be 7 feet tall, land in side control and shit my pants like the best of them.

Love, Andrei xoxo

P.S. Freddie said I did good today, I think he likes me

"Attempt to bribe Fedor."

"Have Fedor killed before fight."

I think Fedor's pee pee pee might be just a lil bigger than mine...note: stretch pee pee pee brutally with vise-grips. Everyone knows the biggest pee pee pee wins, right Timmay?

SELL...plasma tv, jaguar covers, beard

BUY...health insurance and cemetary plot with Russian translation

Call...Ken Shamrock for advice on how to avoid fight

1.Fedor + My Back = Bad
2.Do not attempt to block fists with face.....

HAHAHAHA!!! That's a good one... definitely top 5 so far.

"Ok. Tim lost in 36 seconds. As long as I go over 36 seconds I'm good."

i can has asswhoopins?!

Fedor, you bastard you made beating him look so easy, considering the last two fights between Tim and I he was the victor in both. So if fate has it, and the gods do indeed favor you on our day of battle at least i will be certain of one thing. That you and Tim will not only have beating me in common, but that both of you fuckers will also know ''HOW TASTES MY PEE PEE'' ha ha ha ha VICTORY...... IS MINE!!!!

"thank God this shits not gonna happen anyway"

"Hey, this isn't the sex tape of me and Tim's girlfriend...this dude has WAY bigger jugs!"

Reminder: Legally change my name to Andrei De La Hoya after the fight..

YOU FUCKIN RULE CAGEPOTATO!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PICK THIS COMMENT!!! I DONT BELIEVE U ACUTALLY GIVE OUT PRIZES, you're just lureing us in to view your site more!! jk but sierous! please! LET THIS COMMENT WIN! I WILL promote cagepotato forever to everyone i can whenever i can! PLEASSSEEEE:):):):)!!!!

I make mistake!

Dear World;

I deserve more money then i am worth, I am not like none of you "ufcnuthuggers". UFC has drove me to my grave. I could be considerd #1 in the world right now.. I COULD be fighting brock lesnar in the the year 2009 and win the ufc belt. That could be me! but UFC and has made me join elsewhere and signing a fight that will now be my last...
Although everyone on Earth has failed to give me even half the accolades and adulation that should go with me, Andre, being the 3rd HW in the world.
I now realize what i have got myself into...I have never ever been truly scared of a fight more then the one im about to endure. There is little to no chance of making this out alive so alas i leave all i have to my possessions to Todd Beard. AND STOP WATCHING THE UFC
ps.
My only wish is that Fedor doesn't kill me but only leaves me brain dead. For if ignorance is bliss and everyone of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy with the UFC, then living a life in a coma, devoid of any cognitive ability must surely be utopia. ..

pss.Leave My Machine Plugged In You Fucking Retards, and if you fucking cremate me and I'm going poltergeist on your ass

Andre,

Fedor = scorpion?.............is Arlovski toad?

Pitbulls Poetry Page.

Pitbull is strong man
make Fedor cry like girl when
hand break on my face.

Are you there God? It's me, Andrei. I'm watching footage of Fedor. I'm so scared God. I've never fought anybody as good as him. Suppose he beats me? Suppose nobody likes me after that? Please help me God. Don't let Fedor embarass me too much. Thank You.

Arlovski is actually writing a heroic love novel entitled "No Ordinary Groom", a heart-breaking tale, about a guy who loved a gu.... girl unconditionally, but she felt unworthy of his love and kept running away from him. Eventually, she left for two years before marrying him and becoming his wife forever. Partially written after the kalib starnes nate quarry fight, Arlovski has since admitted he can only write under the influence of his muse Fedor. "No Ordinary Groom" is set to hit the shelfs harder and faster than Fedor hit big Tim in the face.

Don't forget to spar really hard before the fight, and reopen a cut. And later he writes. Since Sylvia took my last girl Do not bring new girl to fight, because Fedor will rock her harder then he will do to me!

Note to self: What's the point of making money if I won't live to spend it?

"Send ice cream to Fedor's locker room before fight so he won't be so angry."

"Try to do something in the first 36 seconds."

"Prepare speach for when i shock the world."

"I hAVE a rendezvous with Death
At some disputed barricade,
When Spring comes back with rustling shade
And apple-blossoms fill the air—
I have a rendezvous with Death
When Spring brings back blue days and fair.

It may be he shall take my hand
And lead me into his dark land
And close my eyes and quench my breath—
It may be I shall pass him still.
I have a rendezvous with Death
On some scarred slope of battered hill,
When Spring comes round again this year
And the first meadow-flowers appear.

God knows 'twere better to be deep
Pillowed in silk and scented down,
Where love throbs out in blissful sleep,
Pulse nigh to pulse, and breath to breath,
Where hushed awakenings are dear...
But I've a rendezvous with Death
At midnight in some flaming town,
When Spring trips north again this year,
And I to my pledged word am true,
I shall not fail that rendezvous"

Note to self if it took fedor 36 secs to smash tim and it took randy couture 25 mins to smash tim in all the same positions....wait......than tim does like the taste of m PEEPEE!

Gillooly?

"Damn, tic-tac-toe is hard when playing alone."

so i think left, right, right, left, up, down, and then hold Select just might do it....

"Fedor Have hands fast for to punch face"

"NOATS!"

Send Tim the "Im sorry for your loss" card and get the girl to wash up. Her stink is still on my fingers, maybe beard too.

Ways to beat Fedor:
1. Hope he gets DQ'd
2. Um...

$800,000 for 36 seconds...not a bad days work

Whats that insurance with the duck called.

"check availability & cost feasibility of pulse grenades"

no clinch
no punch to face
no give up back
how's taste my flying heel hook fedor?

"Pit Bull Balls on Fedors Face"

Learn from the past, Cabbage Correira was pudgy too.

"Don't let Fedor 'hook in his hooks'"

x | |
--|--|---
--|--|---
o| |o

There's only one way I can beat fedor, with the best training montage of all time. .......... And que the music

1.Pay health insurance.

2.Before match,Rub tacos under my arms to lure him into a rear naked choke!

3. if that doesn't work, tell him a funny joke to break his concentration

4. If that doesn't work offer him a candy bar.

Dear Santa

All I want this year is 37 seconds in the fedor fight. that will really show that bastard tim sylvia! Oh yeah maybe you could leave me another one of those wicked cool fang mouthguards again. Let me know when you want me introduce you to some lady friends. Sorry about leg kicking the shit out of you last x-mas!

"buy burial plot"

"Corn bread, Borsch, 12oz steak done medium rare, Baked potato, some of that Spanish Rioja red wine..."

**thinks to himself**
...aww heck, if this is my last meal I might as well have a slice of that cheese cake Patrycja hides in the fridge.**

"...Chokolate cheese cake"

"Whatever, I beat him in 47 seconds with an ankle lock."

Idea for new nickname:
- Andrei " How Taste My Big Pee Pee-atbull " Arlovski

Andrei: "Ugh I hate homework......MOM! THE MEATLOAF!"

With a gleem in his eye, Arlovski writes down sweet nothings about Fedor.

"Reach Advantage my ass"

E-M-I-.....
E-M-E-L-Y....*grrrr*
E-M-E-L....I-A-N......K.....*uh* O?.....
KO?......
***scratch scratch scratch***
F-E-D-O-R

*thinks to himself**This isn't the pre-recorded episode of "The View" that I had requested.**

*writes in his notepad*

Return Tivo.

Note to self...Watch plenty of Care Bear episodes prior to the fight to prevent any crying upon tapping out.

"Hmm, I see Fedor has no weakness... I have to find a way to exploit them"

Pick up dry cleaning after returning this video

"Show respe... respec.. make him laugh!"

Look up Mexican getaways and book one for the next year

"Thank Dana for The Ultimate Figher House furniture from Season 1"

Note to self. I can beat Tim if i hit him hard enough. He will fall down and I might even be able to choke him out when he falls just like Fedor did. I really hope I never have to fight Fedor.

"When getting the rear-naked choke, logo of "condom depot" will not show. Re-locate logo."

"I'm pretending to take notes"

"Renew Subscription to Fight! Magazine."

To do list.
1. Attempt to renegotiate fight contract.
2. Beg to renegotiate fight contract.
3. Pull a plaxico burress and shoot self in leg to get medical suspension to end fight contract.
4. If 3 doesnt work shave all body hair and enter a protection program

After this fight Andrei will have to go back to selling butt scratchers. Butt Scratchas! Butt Scratchas!

And the winner is Jake!!!!

F-ME!

Day before fight, cut myself in training acci....*SCRATCHES OFF THAT SENTENCE* Day before fight, cut myself in shaving accident.

Fighting wear= 0 dollars
Chicks I banged last night=0 dollars
The look of dana's face for letting me go after I beat this fatty=Priceless!

brilliant

Arlovski jots down, "get a fresh pair of shorts after the camera crew leaves."

Note to self......what would I do with 800k? maybe......brazilian wax???

Gameplan:
Avoid getting punched
Avoid takedowns
Punch Fedor in the face
So easy a caveman could do it!

"Preparation for fight: Bring large caliber gun"

ok nail e me rod ef
damn, this anagram is tougher than I thought

do not shit pants

"Use my Boxing and Sambo, Not my Chin"

Up, Left, Right, Right, Down, Right, A, X, Y, Y, B.

Hit "VIDEO 2" for to watch dvd, "AUX 1" is for X BOX and "HDMI 1" is for cable...

1.Punch him more than he punches me
note to self: a lack of chest waxing does not seem to impede fighting ability.

Change name to "WAR PITBULL" - cool

note to self "keep that crepy van dame guy away from me"

Do not look beast in the eye
Illegal strike to groin - repeat as needed (ref: Overeem Vs. Cro-Cop)
schizer!
schizer!!
schizer!!!

Pitbull's to-do list-

get stand for cordless phone
find cool pictures to hang on walls
clean shit out of corner
find fireplace mantle piece

I'd have heel-hooked him.

affliction t-shirt (close to $60)
Tim Sylvia Vs. Fedor ($1.1 million)
Getting to taste my big pee pee ( priceless)

It was at that point that Andre's colloquial English came in handy,

...keep that fucker from punching my face and then beat his ass...

Shizer....36 Seconds!!!
Must write some things so camera guy think I take notes....
OMG How tastes my peepee?
OMG How tastes my peepee?
OMG How tastes my peepee????????

Gotta figure out how Mick actually got Rocky, to piss lightning and crap thunder...where did that chicken run off to?

"beg UFC to bring me back"

I hate Tim Sylvia.

I hate Tim Sylvia.

Grocery List:
Fanged Mouth Piece [?]
Austin Powers Chest Hair [?]
Clippers to touch up Mullet [?]
New Mandex [?]
Beat Fedor [X]
Mangos [?]

I, ANDREI ARLOVSKI, also known as the Pitbull, a resident of Chicago, Illinois, declare that this is my Will. I hereby dispose of all property to Fedor Emelianenko, also known as Russian Zulu Machine.

Fedor - White

Zuluzinho - Black

1. Breath smells invest in Scope
2. I can't believe Circuit City is going belly up....now who will cover my extended warrenty I bought fot his shitty TV?...I shouldn't have went with Plasma....
3. Note to self.....wear Depends for protection from colon relaxing upon knockout...I don't want to end up like Chuck....
4. If all else fails pull the Marcio Cruz tactic out of the bag.....

1. Breath smells invest in Scope
2. I can't believe Circuit City is going belly up....now who will cover my extended warrenty I bought fot his shitty TV?...I shouldn't have went with Plasma....
3. Note to self.....wear Depends for protection from colon relaxing upon knockout...I don't want to end up like Chuck....
4. If all else fails pull the Marcio Cruz tactic out of the bag.....
5. Sylvia sucks...Fedor good
6. I need to fire my interior decorator Tito Ortiz....

"Man am I ever glad that this fight keeps getting delayed... boy am I glad no one can see this paper... OH shit thats a camera right there, lets just pretend it nevvver happened" *starts erasing*

To beat fedor i must....
Stay calm, Use good hand control, and protect butthole at ALL TIMES!....then ask how my pee pee pee taste.

A is for Apple
C is for Citten

???? ???, ??? ????? ?? ????!
Fedor ??? ????....

(Our father, who art in heaven, Fedor be your name.....)

Take Tim to ground and apply rear naked choke right away he will tap out. This is going to be so easy I will taught him not to taste my pee pee pee again!

How to be like Fedor:
1. tight short shorts. - check.
2. no hair. - ...
3. pudgy midsection. - ...
4. love for ice cream. - ...

"He is vulnerable to the Peruvian necktie...id better call C.B...."

List of things to do for fight with Fedor:
1. Don't get punched in face
2. Don't be 6' 7" knock kneed crybaby
3. Ummm... thats all I realy got from this tape....

Note to self: Get a colonic before the fight so I don't shit myself in the ring after Fedor knocks me out.

-Grocery List-
1. Eggs
2. Flour
3. Sugar
4. Frosting
5. Purina Cat Chow

Remember to go to Ikea for more throw pillows, Spencer's Gifts for more fangs, and ask Freddie for Pac Man's autograph. I like the way he eats ghosts.

Shizer....36 Seconds!!!
Must write some things so camera guy think I take notes....
OMG How tastes my peepee?
OMG How tastes my peepee?
OMG How tastes my peepee????????

maybe i cant beat fedor but i can beat these creepy emo kids circling around me.

"Bite him like vampire with fangs, suck his blood, gain Fedor's superhuman powers, win fight."

remind manager to get ref from roy nelson fight to prevent any attempt at a submission...

Andre writes

TO DO LIST- Write Will
Start executing Bucketlist
Buy jeweled coffin

Arlovski scribbles down, "Remember to take Fedor out to dinner before the fight and buy him two ice cream cones."

E-m-e-l-i-a-n-e-n-k-o
is his name!?! I always thought the broadcast team
was saying 'A mean little kid named Niko'. It never did make sense to me... but neither does Emelianenko, and I speak Russian. I don't know why i wrote all this down. Sometimes I like to ponder the thought process and all of it's intricasies. An idea is like a speck of dust in a sea of vastness......

My Last Will and Testament

Dear, Friends and Family...

"roses are red, violets are blue, Sylvia's put me to bed and Fedor will too"

"... Oh Shit!"

"Note to self: Bring lube."

Don't do that.

1. Have eye of the tiger music for entrance

2. Make sure to wear red and yellow

3. See if Jimmy Hart is avaliable to lead me to the ring

4. Put hand to ear and flex

5. Point across the ring a fedor

What who said this isnt WWE. Damn scratch above for fight, Keep on back burner for second career

"Dear KGB......."

Strategies:

X|O|X
O|X|O
X|X|O

Notes:

Must practice connect 4

"Hmm, only one L in 'Anal Rape'...right?"

"Pre-fight preparations:

Icy-hot, bandages, vicodine, find sexy nurse."

i? F????! ??tt?? ??ty? soo?.

arlofski:

Wow which is worst for my reputation? The ass-kicking I'll take from Fedoror the fact I lost to Tim not once but TWICE.

Wish saved by bell is on...Zak Morris dreamy

Andrei's Bucket List:

1. See Venice

2. Grow unsavory eastern European beard mullet combo (currently in progress)

3. Ask Coach Roach to take care of my pitbulls

4. Ask metal band Icepick for a new intro song.

5. Shock the world!...with my newest brown betty recipe.

In Soviet Russia ink is made from pee pee pee.

Andres new catchphrase on fight night

"how smells my poo-poo?"

"Note to self remember to follow up with Rachael Leah and see if she ever signed those Playboys Ben and Ben promised for tha last caption contest."

Hint hint Ben and Ben, I still have not seen my prize. i would trade the magazine for a Cage Potato shirt.

"yeah, i´m fucked"

"I told Timmy he should've worn my Sparta helmet..."

Note to self: Must contact Daniel-son to find the whereabouts of Miyagi.

Gameplan: My fight shorts will need to have large pictures of ice cream cones and geese.

Andrei Arlovski
3rd period Biology
December 8
Professor Emelianenko

Extreme Life And Enzymes
EXTREME LIFE AND ENZYMES

Research has uncovered new micro-organisms that not only survive but thrive under extreme conditions. Dubbed ‘extremophiles’, they are found in the most diverse places on Earth- from extremely high to low temperatures, pressures, salinities and pH (van den Burg, 2003). These organisms have unique capabilities that allow them to produce biocatalysts (or enzymes) that sustain their lives where no other organisms are able to. As these organisms have these unique characteristics, various industries are developing ways in which the ‘extremoenzymes’ of these ‘extremophiles’ can be used to our economic advantage (van den Burg, 2003; Breithaupt, 2001).

Industries involved in food processes, chemical processes, pharmaceutical processes and many others are continually searching for new environmentally friendly ways of carrying out the- often harmful- methods used to make their products (Breithaupt, 2001). Scientists have turned to nature in order to find answers to these problems and they found the Enzyme. Enzymes are protein catalysts which assist in performing reactions within the cells of organisms. However, not all enzymes can withstand the high industrial processes due to their instability and narrow substrate ranges (Breithaupt, 2001).

As a result, scientists have focused on the sub-group of enzymes, extremophiles, which are efficient, specific and their reaction ranges are far better for synthesis of industrial products as compared to man-made catalysts (Breithaupt).There are various forms of extremophiles that are exploitable in various industrial processes. Thermophiles, Psychrophiles, Halophiles, Alkaliphiles and Acidophiles are some groups of extremophiles that have received attention recently (van den Burg). These sub-groups of the sub-group of enzymes are unique in their adaptations. For example, thermophilic extremophiles are able to function under fluctuating temperatures and are...

plan: bring gun

"I am alone...so utterly alone."

Fedor Notes







......








Damn this camera man is annoying. Why the fuck did I agree to have him record me doing this? I haven't even gotten settled in yet. At least I have a nice flat screen that should impress someone :) Ahhh, write something down you idiot!

1. Cocoa Puffs
2. Fruity Pebbles
3. Eggs
4. Baked Cheetos :)
....

If Sylvia made $800, 000 for 36 seconds of beating, I am gaurenteed at least $600,000.

It's over boys.

dear Patrycja,

I tell you Tim was pussy. He pussy bigger than you pussy after night with pitbull.

sincerley,

Andrei

Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

1. ABD pads.
2. Sterile eye pads.
3. Sterile gauze pads.
4. Sterile non-adherent pads.
5. Have at least three medics on standby, and a plastic surgeon on call.
6. Have some fresh underwear handy.
7. Get Patrycja pregnant before the fight.
8. Have my Will ready and set to go.
9. I definately want to have borscht as my last meal...not counting any teeth I might swallow during the fight.
10. Have a thank you and farewell letter ready for mama and papa.


...I should have become a doctor.

Note To self:

How to win:

-Land power punches/knees
-Avoid going to the ground
-use reach advantage to keep fedor at a distance

How not to win

-Avoid trying to hit Fedor's fists with your face (no matter what Tim said, this was not an effective strategy)

Note to self:

I am so Fucked

love,

Andrei

note to self

-Luckily, no one will witness this fight live

Andto my kids i leave my fang mouthpiece, proffesional body hair removing system and blingy gold chain.

To Do List:

1. Pray with Manny Pacquiao before fight
2. Twist Nipples...HARD
3. Make sure Fedor sees me twisting them :)
4. Show Fangs (intimidation purposes)
5. Run fingers through my thick mane of hair (this might get his confidence down)
6. Swing for the fences, hey, it worked for him.
7. If I win, show fangs again. My fans love this.
8. Go to after party
9. Hope Arianny shows
10. Arianny
11. Call Dana White next morning and ask for a huge payday.

While watching the Fedor fights, Andrei sketches the locations of all emergency exits in the venue......

1. fedor never open mouths.
-how for to get big peepee taste insides?
2. fedor not intimidated by fang mouth piece.
-billy bobs mouth peice to makes fedor laughs?
3.fedor kind of lumpy like my baba in bathing suit and sweat alot.
-brings powder and many towels for to wipe away baba sweat.

"goddamn Tim Sylvia sucks!"

Dear Mr. Obama,

You should ban the sport of mixed martial arts from the United States and the world. It's way too brutal, and is killing innocent women and children. You should put a stop to any and all up and coming bouts, and put an end to this human cockfighting once and for all.

Sincerely,

Deeandre Carlovski

...real men where pink, or so they think

Note to self: Hire an interior decorator.

Check List for fight with Fedor:

1. ankle wraps
2. mouth piece
3. towel
4. jockey cup
5. adult diaper
6. band-aids

"follow tim's excellent gameplan"

I suck at drawing pictures of my television...

8=======D--- Haha.....but seriously I am going to lose this fight

Fedor drops right hand slightly when on back going for RNC. Way to exploit - must develop super knockout punch ability for someone on back.

Phase 1: Touch gloves
Phase 2: who cares
Phase 3: Profit

Now I see weakness in Tim Sylvia. After losing to Fedor, I think I can beat Tim for second place.

1. Im fucked.
2. That is all.

To Do list:

1. Buy Milk
2. Feed Dog
3. Cut own forehead day of Fedor fight "while training"

Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry.

I'm not impressed with your performance...

Hmm, better buy some new underwear.

euro mullet...check
back hair...check
insurance...check
cheque for 700,000 for 30 seconds of fighting...soon

OK......let's see...

-find pitbull-tooth mouthguard......check
-Life Insurance documents.....check
-Kryptonite (you never know?).......check
-Last Will and Testament......check

"Bring gun."

''Note to Self: Am I too young to retire?''

This is going to be a cake walk; just wear black pants, t-shirt, and gloves. Fedor totally exposed his back to him

Boy, I hope Timmy doesn't ask me how Fedors pee pee tastes...

Game plan

1. Kiss him during referee's talk.

2. Get KTFO.

3. Win by disqualification.

''Im going to pretend im writing something because my friend is filming me pretending to train for this fight, im going to lose anyways so whats the point....''

Wow Tim Sylvia is a huge pussy. How did i lose to him twice. Must retire before Death by way of Fedor.

1. Tim Sylvia Sucks

2. Megadeth Sucks

3. I wonder who my tag team partner is gonna be

fake injury...
poke him in the eye...
taste my pee pee...

"Ask Brock Lesnar where he got that cool tattoo"

"Fedor wup everyone as if from Georgia....glad I from Belarus"

1) ?? ??????????? ?????? ???????

2)???????? ??????, ??? Tim ??? ??? ??????(?????)

3) ????????????? Tom Atencio, ????? ????????? ??????????(??????)


Translation:

1) Do not get punched in the face

2) Try to forget that Tim beat you twice

3) Telephone Tom Atencio to reschedule the fight

Dear Tim,

That's what you get for BANGING my exgirlfriend!!!

Love,
Andrei

"Son of a cunt, I'm fucked!"

- nice pretty blue gloves
- who made Fedors shorts (very nice fitting)
- writing on ass of shorts
+ if you can't read this......wake me up
+ slippery when wet
+ goldenpalace.com

To my bookie,
$500, 000 on Emelienenko!

Dear Fedor,
My name is Bobby and I am a 7 year old cancer patient at St. Jude's Hospital. The doctors say I don't have too much time left. ::cough cough:: I just... well.. I just have 1 final dying wish. And that is to see Andrei "The Pitbull" Arlovski win just 1 more fight! So I beg of you, please throw the fight! You are basically unbeatable and everyone knows that you are the best fighter in the world! You don't have to prove anything! In fact, you should just call the whole thing off now! Tell them that you are injured or that you contracted Hep B from your brother! Then they will surely get a beatable replacement. It would be so wonderful if you would grant my dying wish!

Thanks,
Bobby

Note to self: Don't Get Punched in the face

Catfood
Toilet Paper

We're gonna need a bigger boat...

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times..."

There are no Gray Elephants in Denmark!

"Call Chicago Technical College and see if it's too late to go back into Early Childhood Education."

F@ck This! I thought I was signing up to fight Amelia Henko, not Emelianenko! I can't believe Tom Beard tricked me, he seems like the kind of guy you would want your daughter to marry.

note to self: check bank account and make sure theres enough to bribe fedor.

Note to self: Without oxygen, Tim Sylvia is powerless, after I beat Fedor it's time for Sylvia vs Arlovski 4

"Bring gum..*scribble*, gun to fight"

"Find way to cut open his forehead with my peepee"

Andrei looks down and regrettably writes, "...I knew I should have tried out for the King Leonidas role...If only I had any thespian abilities."

Note to self: No more scary movies before bed time!

Damn, if squeezes me that hard I will sh1t myself.

Note to Self....

H-hit him first.
O-outlast his first barrage of punches.
W-waste no energy make every movement count.
T-take him down.
A-attack him without mercy via ground and pound.
S-survive round 1.
T-Takedown to start round 2.
E-exercise a little patience on the ground.
S-show no mercy.
M-make many marks on his face.
Y-your starting to realize why they call me the pit bull...huh Fedor?
P-punch hard with one hand, rape choke with the other.
E-early in the 3rd round you have a worried look on your face.
E-everyone sees how human Fedor is.
P-power increases with every minute that goes by.
E-early on I was nervous but now you feel my wrath.
E-everyone sees me with my hand raised.

Andrei wrote a haiku:

is good, this fedor
need more than scary mouthguard
hmm, vince mcmahon called?

i have to return some video tapes.

My Proposal

Dear Mr. Fedor, we are both strong people. You are good, I am good. I can drink.. you, not so sure. Let us say neigh on the ring and have drink contest. I drink vodka, you drink vodka.. We see who left standing for WAMMA belt!

Pitbull

First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fedor has lots of face punches.....guard face. Oh wait, Fedor has lots submissions.....let face get punched. Where's Bo Cantrell when you need him?

Andrei's exact thoughts... "WHAT!? POWER LEVEL 9,000,000!? MADNESS!!"

" im screwed either way, i wonder if my insurance is going to cover this"

Um, why on the earth is Andrei taping himself watching footage of Fedor? Perhaps he has lost his mind. It's great though, especially the transitions.

Practicing my deductive reasoning

Syllogism

Tim Sylvia is retarded.
I lost to Tim Sylvia twice.
Fedor beats retards in 30 seconds
fuck.

Transitive Property

whats the difference between this and syllogism?

OMFG. that arm bar was sick.

note to self. cut my euro mullet and don't take any punches from fedor while avoiding any grappling. only chance to survive.

Richard Tucker Says:

step 1: touch gloves with Fedor
step 2: ?
step 3: win fight

_________________________

Hilarious - this has to be the funniest one on the list.

Speak to Brock Lesnars management to see if they can make sure that neither Jay Glazer nor Frank Trigg commentates on my fight.

Dear Mr. Fedor.................(balls paper up and throws across the room) "That sounds too soft, I'll start over"

Let's see,

Bandaids
A535
Gauze rolls
End swell
Sutures
Hiar pluckers
Vasoline

Cell phone with 911 on redial

p.s. very important - a can of whoop ass. Yes, yes really important.. should underline this!

Don't get punched...don't get choked, because as Bas Rutten said, " once you're out...who knows what they're going to do with you."

note to self: No oxygen to my oppenent equals a win for the pitbull

" dress up like Hana Montana and hope he doesn't recognize me"

"Dear Fedor, after you beat me, Patricja will try to fuck you. She has a many disease, including Tim Sylvia. Be careful.
Yours Truly,
Pitbull"

WWMD - What would Machida Do?

*Note to self*

Watch Ali vs Frazier fight
Watch Kimbo vs Petruzelli fight

Like in movie, find stick, find where he sleeps. Is only way.

"Dear mom and dad, if you are reading this I am now dead. You should not be sad, instead be proud that I died the way you always wanted...."

"things to say at the post fight conference: after crossing streams, his pee-pee was mightier than mine"

Arlovski While Drawing a picture of Sylvia Ko'd he's humming and singing in a low bellerussian acccent voice "he's a maniac maniac that's for sure... And I'm going to be joining him on da floor"

note to self, dont fight like tim sylvia

Wow only took him 36 seconds to pop Tim's cherry.

I think i can beat it.

Note to self; Imagine how safe you'd feel in his arms.

These notes are irrelevant.
Tim was destroyed to quick to learn anything from him.
Try to beat him in Sambo.

"Dear Mr. White,

How you say... 'Fucking bygones' ?........"

Dear Santa,

I've been very good this year! Can you please bring me a game plan for my fight for Christmas?

Love,
Andre

he's re-writing his will....

"in the likely event of me tasting mr fedors pee-pee and not surviving i leave the rights for the special edition how taste my pee-pee t-shirt line to............"

Dear Dana White, I would like to apologize and ask if you will have me back in your wonderful organization because there is no chance in me having to fight Fedor there.

"Do not give up back like big bag of douche. Pick up dry-cleaning"

Dammit, sorry I didn't see it taken already.

I, Andrei Arlovski, residing in Chicago, IL, being currently of sound mind, do hereby declare this instrument to be my last will and testament.............

Reminding himself that the most efficient way to defeat a formidable opponent is through implementation of a strategy and technique, Arlovski decides to surround himself with Gilbert Yvel, Alistair Overeem and Kevin Burns in his training camp.

"Bring Spartan Helm on the Fireplace. Lure Fedor near a well."

He's simply writting "Don't get Zulu'd"

Edit: I found a picture of his notepad!!!


http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/5765/notepadtransvn7.jpg

I, Andrei Arlovski, being of sound mind, do declare this as my last will and testament.

Note to self, cancel all spooning.

"Call Mr. Brock Lesnar for muscle candy"

Note to self.... Fax Affliction resignation papers on Jan. 22 and book a one way plane ticket to Belarus for Jan. 24

Arlovski at 56 second mark... Why am I staring at a blank screen the Fedor vs. Sylvia fight ended 20 seconds ago.

....why coachza makez me watch thzeeze. pitpull have more important thingz to thzink about....

" things to do:

1. metrosexual's deluxe manicure/pedicure
2. wax back (no butthairs) and lovers' massage package - and ask for happy ending
3. get health insurance "

"36 seconds? WTF."

But I imagine it's all italicized and badass, like how a vampire would write...

"Man, I hate doing these stupid promo vids. Like I need to take notes from fight videos...... stupid producers."

Arlovski looks down in astonishment and writes, "maybe I should fight for Mr. Putin and the Russian Federation..."

Prep for Fedor:
1. Get bear fighting tips from aleksander
2. Transplant hair from face to groin to confuse him
3. Poison Fedor's icecream supply

I hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions...

OH SNAP!!!!

"Note to self: Bring a gun on the 24th."

Avoid "catching" during "sexual experiences" with belt. Will result in loss of dignity and belt.

Things To Do:
1. Buy carton of milk
2. Call mom
3. Pray for a miracle

Call Stallone on Monday, he can train to beat Russian robot.

Note to self, America's next top model is on at 7, not 8...damnit!

beard itchy, buy razor

note to self- change nickname to the poodle

i'd like to leave my fang tooth mouth piece to my dear mother, my fight trunks go to little sara back home in mother russia and as for my ufc belt- i would like to be buried with that along with career

why are there asians with cameras and microphones around me was this part of the apartment deal?

Things to do before I fight Fedor

1. Return overdue dvd of zoolander to Blockbuster.
2. Find the mysterious smell in living room.
3. Figure out why tim sylvia got paid 800k?
4. Contact Kimbo for beard grooming tips
5. Refill prescription of valtrex for big pee pee.

Fuck.

i hit hard- he hits harder, i am fast- he is faster, he beat tim down- tim beat me down, tim< fedor < ME! i was never really that good at math

wear sexy underwear and hope fedor takes my back

".... and I leave my all my earthly possessions to my dog, Fifi....."

Don't forget to call Golden Boy, Beg them to schedule a fight on the same night less than 25 miles away.
Pray for another reschedule.
Forget fangs style mouth guard, get really good one instead.
Get some Just for Men for beard...

1) Send flowers to Slyvia in remembrance of his washed up career.

2) Phone agent, as I thought that I was fighting 'Alexander' Emelianenko not 'Fedor' Emelianenko. Have to remember to read contracts before I sign them.

3) Wax chest.

big tim tasted my pee pee, now it's time for me to taste fedors right hook (i'd rather taste big tim's pee pee)

1. Call Patrycja, tell her to watch Sylvia fight and retaste my pee pee
2. Call Sylvia, tell him to watch me in sex tape with Patrycja, and retaste my pee pee
3. Make new contract before fedor fight....

"Ride motorcycle a lot before fight, pray someone runs a red light."

"I really should have signed that video game agreement with the UFC..."

"Fast for three days before fight and pray that God carries me through."

Can I get Chuck Norris to stand in for me?

*note to self* get sick, get injured, get out of town!

give back up at sound of bell and get RNC collect my overly sized pay cheque go back to ufc .

"Tim hits like a bitch"

"Fedor likes to be on top, the pitcher is what some call it I think".

"Rear naked choke = Bad"
"Punches to face = Bad
"Solution = Don't Get In Rear Naked Choke Or Punches to Face"
*stick figures fighting*

Last Will and Testament: I bequeath my leopard fur pillows to tom atencio

Jobs i can do crippled: Accountant, physicist, superman? Must buy this mavis beacon type thing. Murderball!!! sweet. Also buy more tight shirts.

I hate big h so much for beating me to the will thing.....you bastard

"Who are these emo kids in my room? Why they have cameras? They trying to poke me with a dick-looking microphone. After watch this video, put fangs mouth piece on and bite heads off of these faggots in my house!"

My best option will be for Fedor to pull a Kalib Starnes and run around like a pussy. I will be guaranteed to win!!!

Ask about caling in sick the day of the fight.

Halfway through writing notes Andre Arlovski realizes the inevitable and begins writing his will.

what did i sign up for? these russian guys are bad ass... wait a minute, i'm russian too!?! i know sambo! maybe if i cut him early i can get the win

To tim I leave my ex gf and the taste of my pee pee
and to my mother and father i leave my pit pull dog
these are the only possessions I care to leave behind in this world


veni, vidi, fedor vici (i came i saw fedor conquered)

"Possible pre-fight 'training accident?' Get Shammy's advice."

"Must use my MMA skills to beat Fedor....won't be able to box for 5 rounds.....ut oh."

note to self: do not give up back like a pussy a la, big timmy!

"Note to self, Giving up back to Fedor easier than expected. Will switch to Sylvia gameplan immediately."

"Beat Tim Sylvia's record, try to survive 0:37 seconds".

1- Before fight begins, rip Fedor doll in half (if he looks angry, apologize immediately)
2- Tell him my mom is watching the fight from her death bed along side little cancer full Tommy
3- Hold back tears and swing wildly

btw Fowlkes...enjoyed your article in this month's Fight magazine...good job...

Note 1: Pay full insurance before fight!

Testimony note 1 : I want my gravestone to be made of my girlfriends panties.

Fight note 1: Start fight with kick in the nuts and a poke to the eye

H-o-w T-a-s-t-e M-y B-i-g P-e-e P-e-e P-e-e!

Even trying to focus for a fight doesn't stop Andrei from constantly drawing gigantic penises every chance he gets. Being from Belarus, each penis has a meaning only Andrei knows, and will be posted throughout the gym for reference while training.

1- Make sure he sees my fangs mouth piece
2- Jab 3-4 times from a distance(if he gets too close, thumb in eye)
3- Accidental groin kick(if ref doesn't see, go for take-down)
4- Repeat steps 1-3
5-Tap one time then complain that the tap didn't count and that I wasn't done

look for opt-out clause in fight contract

Are there any banks open this late? Let's hope it clears!

So Affliction gives me 200K. To have a better pay per second than Timmy, I need to win or lose in less than 9s ... Sh.t, I need a pretty good gameplan :
1. cheap shot before the referee start
+ : efficiency,
- : reputation, risks of being fined...

2. Go to the ground
+ : if it works in less than 9s, I'm a legend.
- : some maths called probabilities.

3. the good old rush to the TKO
+ : reputation. Also, easy to switch between TKO him and being TKO'ed.
- : possible lost of my win bonus.

Plan 3 is perfect.

"Tell Seth Petruzelli not to make plans on the 24th."

Lets see milk, bread , tomatoes make sure my health and dental are up to date

"Hiding behind life-sized cutout of Tim Sylvia may not work as originally planned"

Arlovski: "I'm going to eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of chianti!"

Dear Self,

Grow beard out. Any defense will help.

Sincerely,
Self

Note to self: buy ass wart cream for giant wart on my ass.

Remember to ask Fedor what products he uses his skin looks radiant

"Timmy got PWNED!!!!"

After seeing Fedor fight for the first time, Arlovski writes down notes that he can use for the Shamrock vs Kimbo Defense.

"The freakishly bigger they are the harder they fall?"
Loose size asap, protect my back, wax on wax off.
game plan: sweep the leg and not get punched

"do not get zulu'd"

"Fedor scary. Wear helmet."

"OMFG Frank Trigg = worst announcer ever"

step 1: touch gloves with Fedor
step 2: ?
step 3: win fight

"Fedor able to knock taste of my pee pee pee right out of Sylvia's mouth!"