Never in our life did we think we would witness a combat sports performance more embarrassing than Nick “Turbo Tax” Capes’ dive against former NFL defensive end Ray Edwards last February. We were wrong. We were so goddamn wrong.
Perhaps all the years spent covering the travesty that is Bob Sapp have desensitized us to the art of the flop. Perhaps we’re just getting too old for this shit. But in all of Sapp’s positively miserable performances, we never once saw him, as our buddies over at MiddleEasy so eloquently put it, “tap to a sprawl.” Sure, he’s tapped to strikes, a takedown, and been knocked out by a phantom punch or two in his time, but this…this is somehow worse.
For starters, this was a title fight, which presumably means that David “The Can” Correa actually beat somebody to warrant his place in the ring. If anyone can find of a video of that fight (if it even exists), we are prepared to pay upwards of two shirts to obtain exclusive rights to it.
Further distinguishing this charade as the pinnacle of pathetic MMA fights is the fact that Correa’s opponent, Aaron Downey, becomes so bewildered by Correa’s strategy — which appears to operate under the belief that a thigh can be strangled into submission — that he seemingly forgets that Jiu-Jitsu is a thing and opts to stare on in awe while his cornermen verbally berate Correa from ringside until he mercifully calls it quits. Hopefully forever.
In any case, “Personal stoppage” is the new “Wouldn’t get up from butt scoot.”