By CagePotato.com contributor Kipp Tribble
10. Dan Severn (80-15-7)
Yes, he’s a UFC Hall-of-Famer who still racks up wins in smaller organizations. He’s also 53 goddamned years old. That has to be retirement age for a mixed martial artist. At this point in his life, he should be sipping Metamucil coladas and yelling at kids to get off of his lawn, not rolling on the mat with guys half his age. But we’ll vote to let “The Beast” stick around for at least one more match to see if he can maintain bladder control when socked in the gut.
9. Elvis Sinosic (8-11-2)
His retarded nickname is bad enough; his consistent mediocrity is absolutely inexcusable. Let’s start with the fact that he just got knocked out at Cage Rage by Paul Cahoon — a fighter playing .500 ball himself — in a mere 21 seconds. Well played, King, well played. While he may still have some fights left in him, we’d rather not risk having to yawn through another of his sleepwalk matches. Go back to Australia and rock ‘n rumble with the ‘roos, Elvis. They’ll probably take longer than 21 seconds to knock your middling ass out.
8. Nick Diaz (15-7, 1 NC)
Nick gets a spot on the list not for his positive marijuana test or terminated UFC contracts, but for his volcanic eye sockets. By now, the guy isn’t able to make it through one round without his eyelids shredding, the result of a rare condition also known as “shitty defense that causes your fragile face to get punched in.” We felt his pain when the doctor stopped his fight against K.J. Noons at EliteXC: Renegade, but unless he’s allowed to step into the ring wearing safety goggles, Little Nicky’s gotta go.
7. Kim Jong Wang (9-19)
This might be the flabbiest Asian fighter we’ve ever seen outside a sumo ring. Big Wang has compiled a shameful record while dispatching his brand of sissiness on a handful of average fighters. His only notable win was against Jason Lambert in what was then Lambert’s fourth fight — were that fight to happen today, Lambert would make him squeal like a pig. Plus, Wang once lost to Bob Sapp in eight seconds. Sure, Bob Sapp is always a badass in the first eight seconds of a fight, but it’s pathetic that an experienced fighter wouldn’t to be able to protect himself for at least, say, 15 seconds, against the guy who redefined the concept of “telegraphed punches.” This Wang needs to be cut off.
6. Bob Sapp (9-8 kickboxing, 6-2-1 MMA)
…speaking of which: This is more of a preventative gesture because he hasn’t fought since New Year’s Eve 2005, but as long as Bob Sapp keeps booking fights (and then backing out), there’s always the chance that his special brand of awfulness will be inflicted on MMA fans again. Bob Sapp is as predictable as a video game character — just stay out of his way for the first 90 seconds until he punches himself exhausted, then kick him in the legs until he starts crying. He’d be #1 on this list if he wasn’t such an entertaining loser.
5. Ross Pointon (5-10)
We covered this on Monday. Being willing to fight anyone at any time is not a talent. It’s something that will get you killed one day, years from now, when you’ve worked your record up to 5-35 and there are even more chunks missing from your face. Please, Ross, for the love of God.
4. Tom “Kong” Watson (4-3)
Kong’s inclusion here might seem premature, given he’s only been fighting professionally since early 2006. So let’s break it down for those of you who actually care about British fighters. MMA fans like impressive wins and excitement (i.e., knockouts and soul-shattering submissions). Kong — and by the way, does being 6’ really qualify you to have that nickname? — has notched exactly one TKO in his seven fights, and one so-so submission. More importantly, there’s his questionable entrance music (Stevie Wonder’s “Superstitious”), which he uses to psyche himself up while wearing a gorilla mask and beach shorts. Don’t believe us? Click here. The fact that he didn’t get pelted with rotten fruit while walking to the ring proves that the Brits like it quirky.
3. Jimmy Ambriz (11-9-1)
“The Titan” was the man back in his early days, kicking off his career with eight straight wins. Then, he actually had to face tough opponents like Josh Barnett and Jerome LeBanner, and everything fell apart. He went through 2005 and 2006 without a single win, but he’s stumbled his way into a 3-4 record this year, notching victories over tomato cans like Richard Hale and Brian Peoples (who sport a combined record of 6-5 with wins over equally shitty fighters). All these numbers add up to The Titan phoning it in these days, and it’s hard to imagine any fans caring anymore. Still, with his body art and barrel physique, he might do well as a strip club bouncer or an old-timey circus strongman.
2. David “Tank” Abbott (10-13)
Seriously, someone please make him stop already. Sure, he might have been a terrifying force in the UFC’s infancy — before the concept of “mixed martial arts,” when a heavy-handed “pitfighter” could roll through opponents with equally questionable credentials — but letting Tank continue to fight reeks of exploitation. Here’s the deal, chief: You’re 10-13, and you’ve lost seven of your last nine. You’re the MMA equivalent of the L.A. Clippers. So punch your time card and go eat your Hot Pockets in peace. You’ll still be able to dedicate plenty of time to shaving your head while simultaneously growing out your beard, thus making you look tougher than you really are. (Check out Tank’s last loss against Gary Turner where he flops around on the mat like a hirsute beached whale. Classic announcer line: “Cardio has always been a factor with Tank.”)
1. Kenneth Allen (0-19)
Your eyes do not deceive you: That’s 19 fights, 19 losses, and most of his fights end in the 1st round. Clearly he has some gambling debts to pay off, because no one in their right mind would voluntarily choose to get their ass handed to them night after night. But even though Kenneth Allen badly needs to find another means of employment, we kind of want him to stay around and keep the dream alive. He’s like the “special” kid in gym class who everyone cheers on to run the mile in under 27 minutes without crawling. Promise us one thing, Ken. When the loss streak reaches a point where it could never possibly be broken, you have to step down. Being able to tie your own shoes without assistance is one of life’s most underrated pleasures.
(Note: We couldn’t find a picture of Allen, so this photo of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys will have to do.)
Think a different fighter should have made the list? Let us know in the comments…