Keeping in line with last weekend’s UFC on FUEL 5 event, the UFC is casually dropping off another heavyweight sure-to-be-slugfest in our laps with this Friday’s UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot card, which, while not as stacked as the Nottingham affair, does provide plenty of reasons to tune in to a channel that half the country actually has. Plus, it goes down in the state who once had the balls to elect this man Governor, so even if the fights somehow end up sucking, there’s a good chance that the crowd will make up for it in the stands. Opal’s Glamorama, motherfuckers!
Let’s get started.
#1 – Fists Will Fly, Titans Will Fall
Yeah, we know it sounds cheesy, but there is simply no better way to describe the likelihood of extreme violence that Friday’s main event will bring. Antonio Silva has served little more purpose than a 265-pound punching back in his last two performances, dropping brutal losses to Daniel Cormier and Cain Velasquez under the Strikeforce and UFC banners. We’re not sure how a chin straight out of Tango and Cash is somehow being questioned, but needless to say, “Bigfoot” is probably going to be looking to utilize his BJJ background and devastating ground and pound to secure a victory against an undefeated KO artist like “Hapa.” The question is, will he be able to take it to the ground? Browne is no slouch on the mat, and has picked up nine of his thirteen victories in the first round, including five in the first minute(!!!!), so Silva better look for the takedown early if he values life on the outside of Dr. Moreau’s island.
If you’ve got an extra ten seconds on you, we suggest you check out Browne’s destruction of UFC vet/porn star Aaron Brink. Word has it that Brink claims he could totally take Browne 10 out of 10 times in a rematch, though.
#2 – The Next Flyweight Title Challenger Will Be Decided
John Dodson is the closest thing the UFC has to a walking cartoon character. Specifically, Roger Rabbit. And now he’s knocking on the door of a title shot. It’s hard to believe that the TUF 14 bantamweight winner could already be considered a top contender, but given the slim pickings of the weight class, we could easily get behind a Dodson/Johnson title fight if he is able to defeat Jussier da Silva. That’s no easy task, however, as da Silva has been on an absolute tear since dropping his only loss to Ian McCall back in February of 2011: five wins, four submission stoppages. In a division that is already facing criticism for it’s “lack of exciting finishes” (criticism that we think is for the birds), the Dodson/da Silva fight looks like it will easily quell that walla for the time being.
#3 – At Last, At Last, Jay Hieron is Back
We’ve talked a lot about curses these past few months, thanks in no part to the never-ending string of injuries that have all but made the conspiracy theory a scientific fact. But you want to talk about cursed? Look no further than Jay Hieron. First, he was screwed out of a Bellator title when he fought Ben Askren. Then, got stuck in contract limbo with Bellator for the remainder of the year. Then, he was finally set to make his UFC return, only to have an unprecedented event cancellation dash those plans before his likely tear-filled eyes.
If history is any indication, Hieron will likely slip on a pipe backstage and knock himself unconscious come Friday night, but on the off chance he doesn’t, we will finally get to see “The Thoroughbred” test himself against one of the best welterweights in the division in Jake Ellenberger. “The Juggernaut (bitch!)” is coming off a tough loss to streaking comeback artist Martin Kampmann at the TUF 15 Finale and will clearly be looking for an impressive win over Hieron to launch himself right back into the list of contenders. Expect fireworks here, folks.
#4 – Somebody’s Getting Dicknailed
What UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot lacks in name power, it makes up for in the chance to witness a good old fashioned dicknailing. You know what we’re talking about, and so does Josh Neer, who was viciously dicknailed by Mike Pyle in his last appearance at UFC on FX 3. Suffice it to say, with matchups like Jeremy Stephens vs. Yves Edwards, Ellenberger vs. Hieron, the presence of Josh Neer (who could be on either end of the equation), and of course our main event, somebody is going to get dicknailed tomorrow night. We just hope that whoever’s running the liveblog has the good sense to use the term when the moment arrives.
#5 – The Comedic Stylings of This Man
Your response, Mr. President?
UFC on FX: Browne vs. Bigfoot kicks off live this Friday from the Target Center in Minneapolis starting at 5 p.m. EST.