(“Dun, dun, dun, dun, da-dun, dun, da-dun. Dah, dah, dah, dun, da-dun, dun, da-dun…“)

Props to MMAMania for directing us to the current betting lines for this Saturday‘s Strikeforce women’s featherweight title fight between Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos and mysterious ex-dominatrix Hiroko Yamanaka. As of now, the champ is a -900 favorite, meaning that you’d have to bet $900 to collect a $100 profit if she wins. Yamanaka is a +550 underdog, meaning that a $100 bet would return a $550 profit if hell freezes over the challenger takes the belt.

Here’s why you might bet money on Yamanaka to score an upset: Cyborg hasn’t competed since June 2010; Yamanaka has gone 3-0 since then, with all wins by stoppage. Yamanaka might be able to keep Cyborg at bay with her height and range. Crazy shit happens in this sport all the time.

Here’s why you shouldn’t actually consider doing this: Literally every other reason you could possibly think of, including Cyborg’s unparalleled aggression, her history of consuming Japanese opponents, her home field advantage in the U.S., and most importantly, that it sucks to lose even small amounts of money in this economy.

If you have to bet on something this week, fill out this helpful questionnaire, then continue reading for a few wagering suggestions that are almost as risky, but not completely insane.

#1: Strikeforce’s Other Big Underdog
Ovince St. Preux is an aggressive badass on an eight-fight win-streak. He’s listed as a +325 underdog in his fight against Gegard Mousasi, and might be undervalued, considering Mousasi’s less-than-stellar performances in his last two Strikeforce appearances. During OSP’s 5-0 stretch for Strikeforce, we’ve learned that he’s good; we just don’t know how good exactly, and we’re about to find out. Anybody want to roll the dice? If you’re looking for something a little more secure, consider a three-way favorites parlay on Masvidal + Mousasi + Noons. $100 gets you $148.73.

#2: The Super Bowl Prediction
Taking the New England Patriots at +450 to win Super Bowl XLVI. They’re already a near-lock to win their division, and their offense is racking up more points per game than any other squad in the AFC. (MY GOD THIS GRONKOWSKI.) A likely Super Bowl matchup with the defending champion Green Bay Packers would basically be an exercise in each team’s offense smushing the other defense’s shit in. If you think the Pats will roll to the playoffs, get in on this line early.

#3: The 2012 Grammy Awards, Best New Artist Category
Yes, BetUS actually offers odds for this, and Bon Iver at +250 is a steal. Justin Vernon’s indie-folk outfit has garnered rapturous critical acclaim and Kanye West’s seal of approval. Nicki Minaj is the odds-on favorite at +100, but the Academy tends to focus on less mainstream artists. (Man, remember last year when some random broad named Esperanza Spalding beat out Drake, Florence + The Machine, Justin Bieber, and Mumford & Sons? What’s she up to these days?) Anyway, go download “Holocene.”

#4: The 2012 U.S. Presidential Election 
Newt Gingrich at 4/1 odds. My dude Barack can’t get anything done anymore, and American voters might make him pay for it next November. So who’s going to be left standing for the G.O.P., now that Herman Cain and Rick Perry have self-immolated? Mitt Romney still has a slight odds-edge at 10/3, but I think when all’s said and done, Republicans are going to support the Devil they know.

Man, it feels weird to discuss the world that exists outside of professional cage-fighting. Just this once, use the comments section below to discuss football, the year’s best music, or American politics. This should be interesting.

(-Ben Goldstein)