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Four Wagers That Are Slightly Less Stupid Than Betting on Hiroko Yamanaka (+550) to Upset Cris Cyborg (-900)


(Dun, dun, dun, dun, da-dun, dun, da-dun. Dah, dah, dah, dun, da-dun, dun, da-dun…)

Props to MMAMania for directing us to the current betting lines for this Saturday‘s Strikeforce women’s featherweight title fight between Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos and mysterious ex-dominatrix Hiroko Yamanaka. As of now, the champ is a -900 favorite, meaning that you’d have to bet $900 to collect a $100 profit if she wins. Yamanaka is a +550 underdog, meaning that a $100 bet would return a $550 profit if hell freezes over the challenger takes the belt.

Here’s why you might bet money on Yamanaka to score an upset: Cyborg hasn’t competed since June 2010; Yamanaka has gone 3-0 since then, with all wins by stoppage. Yamanaka might be able to keep Cyborg at bay with her height and range. Crazy shit happens in this sport all the time.

Here’s why you shouldn’t actually consider doing this: Literally every other reason you could possibly think of, including Cyborg’s unparalleled aggression, her history of consuming Japanese opponents, her home field advantage in the U.S., and most importantly, that it sucks to lose even small amounts of money in this economy.

If you have to bet on something this week, fill out this helpful questionnaire, then continue reading for a few wagering suggestions that are almost as risky, but not completely insane.

#1: Strikeforce’s Other Big Underdog
Ovince St. Preux is an aggressive badass on an eight-fight win-streak. He’s listed as a +325 underdog in his fight against Gegard Mousasi, and might be undervalued, considering Mousasi’s less-than-stellar performances in his last two Strikeforce appearances. During OSP’s 5-0 stretch for Strikeforce, we’ve learned that he’s good; we just don’t know how good exactly, and we’re about to find out. Anybody want to roll the dice? If you’re looking for something a little more secure, consider a three-way favorites parlay on Masvidal + Mousasi + Noons. $100 gets you $148.73.

#2: The Super Bowl Prediction
Taking the New England Patriots at +450 to win Super Bowl XLVI. They’re already a near-lock to win their division, and their offense is racking up more points per game than any other squad in the AFC. (MY GOD THIS GRONKOWSKI.) A likely Super Bowl matchup with the defending champion Green Bay Packers would basically be an exercise in each team’s offense smushing the other defense’s shit in. If you think the Pats will roll to the playoffs, get in on this line early.

#3: The 2012 Grammy Awards, Best New Artist Category
Yes, BetUS actually offers odds for this, and Bon Iver at +250 is a steal. Justin Vernon’s indie-folk outfit has garnered rapturous critical acclaim and Kanye West’s seal of approval. Nicki Minaj is the odds-on favorite at +100, but the Academy tends to focus on less mainstream artists. (Man, remember last year when some random broad named Esperanza Spalding beat out Drake, Florence + The Machine, Justin Bieber, and Mumford & Sons? What’s she up to these days?) Anyway, go download “Holocene.”

#4: The 2012 U.S. Presidential Election 
Newt Gingrich at 4/1 odds. My dude Barack can’t get anything done anymore, and American voters might make him pay for it next November. So who’s going to be left standing for the G.O.P., now that Herman Cain and Rick Perry have self-immolated? Mitt Romney still has a slight odds-edge at 10/3, but I think when all’s said and done, Republicans are going to support the Devil they know.

Man, it feels weird to discuss the world that exists outside of professional cage-fighting. Just this once, use the comments section below to discuss football, the year’s best music, or American politics. This should be interesting.

(-Ben Goldstein)

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kkzhuu- December 15, 2011 at 9:50 am
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Me likey- December 15, 2011 at 9:12 am
who is the guy in the bikini?
KeithHackneyWindmillPalmStrike- December 15, 2011 at 6:15 am
I'm about to put $900 on Cyborg....is that crazy?
tp24890- December 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Guy to the left: "dont look at her penis...dont look at her penis...dont look at her penis...dont look at her pe-crap!"
RSparrow- December 14, 2011 at 4:54 pm
+1 ccman... but pretty sure it should read "she fucks somebody"
omunto- December 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm
It doesn't get any more of a home field advantage then this. Our gym shares a parking lot with the arena hosting saturdays fights. Go Cyborg!
ccman- December 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Just remember. Somebody fucks that.
SWORDSfor400- December 14, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Could make it interesting and add Felice Herrig to make it a tag team match. Losing team gets... ... well you you know what they do.
skeletor- December 14, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Ron Paul 2012.
.
I am not interested in this Cyborg fight one bit. When it comes to woman's MMA I only want to watch Gina, Meisha, and Rhonda in a three way nude oil wrestling match where no hitting in the face is allowed. The oil should also help to deter Honda winning by armbar in the first 10 seconds.
SWORDSfor400- December 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Says man in Tapout shirt
"Ladies and gentlemen... my esteemed colleague, Ms. Coenen, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive athletic commission can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the fighter is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids...I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Cue mass vomiting
smellypiratehooker- December 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm
What ever you do, don't look up.
Master_Betty- December 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Patriots won't make it to the second round of the playoffs, much less to the Superbowl. This isn't the 2006 Patriots. This team has no defense and barely a run game. They're not blowing people out - they're winning close games.
TheWarsawExpress- December 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Thanks for making me listen to that Holocene song. Are you happy now? Are you happy for making me cry?

Also, Chris santos is yucky looking.
itsgalf- December 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I don't know about Newt Gingrich. I would say that as the Republican primary draws nearer, the establishment is going to start calling him out more on all of his progressive stances. My bet is that the Tea Party will turn on him and Mitt Romney will most likely win the candidacy, followed by Newt Gingrich and then Ron Paul.

In the end, either Gingrich or Romney would be better than re-electing Obama. He's a cool and smart guy, but just not ready to lead.
Fried Taco- December 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Another safer bet, me winning a CP t-shirt for comment of the week.
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