("Trust me bro, you’ve never had piss until you’ve had it out of a coconut." Photo courtesy of Sherdog.)

After a disappointing performance at WEC 48, the Gambling Enabler is ready to do what it does best: Make even larger, more desperate bets in order to break even. We’ve got UFC 113 coming up this weekend, and you can’t win if you don’t play. As usual, we’ve compiled the most favorable betting lines courtesy of BestFightOdds.com. Confused about what the numbers mean? Then punch yourself in your stupid balls and read this first.

MAIN CARD
Lyoto Machida (-174) vs. Mauricio Rua (+160)
Josh Koscheck (-215) vs. Paul Daley (+218)
Sam Stout (-180) vs. Jeremy Stephens (+162)
Kimbo Slice (even) vs. Matt Mitrione (-102) 
Alan Belcher (-110) vs. Patrick Cote (+105)

PRELIMINARY CARD
Tom Lawlor (-475) vs. Joe Doerksen (+400)
Marcus Davis (-450) vs. Jonathan Goulet (+400)
Johny Hendricks (-450) vs. TJ Grant (+350)
Tim Hague (-205) vs. Joey Beltran (+200)
Yoshiyuki Yoshida (-240) vs. Mike Guymon (+235)
Jason MacDonald (-155) vs. John Salter (+135)

Who wants to make some money the easy way? (Or potentially lose it, because anything can happen in a fight?)


The Main Event: Personally, I’m staying away from this one. But if you’re one of those people who thinks the match is a 50/50 toss-up, or that Rua has a slight edge — he did outstrike Machida in their first fight, after all, no matter how the judges scored it — then yes, there’s some value in Rua at +165. Be careful though, because Machida always finds a way to win.

They Get No Respect: Some guys on this card are noticeably undervalued, and deserve some straight-bet action. I figured that Alan Belcher would be a larger favorite over Patrick Cote, considering his impressive recent performances — the decision in the Akiyama fight notwithstanding — and considering that Cote is coming off his loooooong knee-injury layoff. My money’s on the hideous Johnny Cash tattoo. Jason MacDonald is being straight-up insulted with his modest -155 line over 4-1 prospect John Salter, who got his ass kicked by Gerald Harris in January, and will almost surely get his ass kicked again by the Athlete. And after the way Sam Stout dismantled Joe Lauzon earlier this year, his -180 over the middling Jeremy Stephens is looking mighty attractive.

Bangers and Cash: Now that Josh Koscheck is maybe backing away from his plan to stand and trade with Paul Daley, I have less faith in Semtex as an underdog pick. You’re better off skipping this match and throwing down some chips on the even-money punch-up of Kimbo vs. Meathead. I’m not going to tell you what to do here, but if you paid attention to TUF 10 and the finale show, you know that Mitrione is an even better brawler than Kimbo is. 

The Good ‘Dog: Joey Beltran, who’s coming off his whipping of Rolles Gracie at UFC 109. Sure, Tim Hague was able to surprise Pat Barry with a submission last year, but then he got run out of the UFC by Todd Duffee and Chris Tuchscherer, and is only getting another shot in the Octagon because Chad Corvin dropped out. If you compare their records and UFC performances side by side, there’s really nothing to justify Hague being a 2-1 favorite over the Mexecutioner. To me, this fight is more of a pick-’em — and if Beltran wins, you double your money.

Official CagePotato Parlay: Stout + Belcher + Lawlor + MacDonald. No guarantees here, but it’ll kick out a nice profit if it lands.