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GIF-Ranking the Avalanche of UFC Fights That Were Booked Today, December 18th, By Interest Level

(“You know what, Steve, I’m not really feeling this fight. Think I’ll just sit out a few plays.” Photo via Getty.)

Fight-booking articles are a dime a dozen. Throw a couple statistics here, a fighter breakdown there, and top it all off with some information about the event and you’ve got yourself a perfectly normal, haiku-length article that you could almost pass off as journalism. And then its back to huffing duster in your grandmother’s basement, desperately and fruitlessly attempting to blind yourself from the hellscape that has become your reality. But at least you don’t have to wear a tie to work! (*laughs, cries into whiskey*)

The point is, there are some matchups you can’t help but elaborate on as a fan of the sport – Woodley vs. Condit, for instance. But there are only so many ways to inform you readers that several lower-level fights have recently been booked on (under)cards you probably won’t even watch, so when all else fails, we resort to the GIF. Let’s get to the fight bookings!


#6 – Brad Scott vs. Claudio Henrique da Silva – Fight Night 37 (March 8, London)

I have no idea who these people are. Ranking: 


#5 – Tony Martin vs. Rashid Magomedov – UFC 169 (Feb. 1, NJ)

I have no idea who either of these people are either, but as Chairman of the Russian-U.S.A. Coalition for a Better, More Tolerant Tomorrow (RUSAECBMTT, for short), I am semi-obligated to hype the 15-1 Magomedov. He’s on an eight fight tear and is a solid grappler if the Interwebz are to be believed, but he also hasn’t fought in over a year, so it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against the 8-0 ground wizard Tim Martin, who will also be making his UFC debut. Ranking:


#4 – Neil Magny vs. Gasan Umalatov – UFC 169 

It’s do-or-die time for TUF 16‘s Neil Magny, who will enter the cage on February 1st having dropped his last two fights to Sergio Moraes and Seth Baczynski at UFC 163 and Fight for the Troops 3, respectively. Unfortunately for Magny, he’s been matched against another Russian with a solid record and a surname ending in “tov.” Luckily for Magny, “tov” ranks behind “dov,” “bov” and even “nov” in terms of the P4P most devastating last syllable of a surname (LSoS, for short) that can possessed by a Russian…

…what was I talking about again? Boobs? Boobs. Ranking:


#3 - Luke Barnatt vs. Mats Nilsson – Fight Night 37

Luke Barnatt may be on the heels of his biggest career win (a second round submission over Andrew Craig in Fight Night 30′s “Fight of the Night”), but I think the most important thing here is his nickname, “Bigslow.” Does it just mean that Barnatt is both big AND slow, and if so, why did he combine two normal words into one terrible word? Or is his nickname, as I believe, his way of informing the public that he is the bastard son of Kim Winslow and Bigfoot? Think about it, they’re both lanky, white as whipped cream, and “do” MMA. What other evidence do you need?

Anyways, Bigslow is going to savage UFC newcomer Mats Nilsson like the dude stole his Jack Links beef jerky. Ranking:


#2 - Stephen Thompson vs. Robert Whittaker – UFC 170 (Feb. 22, Vegas)

Whether it’s been in victory or defeat, there’s no denying that TUF Smashes winner Robert Whittaker has been entertaining as hell to watch in the octagon. On the heels of a hard fought decision loss to Court McGee at Fight Night 27, Whittaker will be given no easy rebound fight in “Wonderboy” Thomson, who improved to 3-1 in the UFC with a 2nd round TKO of Chris Clements at UFC 165.

A fierce and technical striker with an impeccable kickboxing record, Thompson’s sole loss in the UFC has come at the hands of the resurgent Matt Brown in April of last year. His style is pretty much the antithesis of Whittaker, a brawler who usually looks for the one-punch KO, so Thompson will either continue to do what he do and make short work of the Aussie or wind up on the wrong side of an upset KO. In either case, this is definitely a fight worth watching. Ranking:


#1 - John Lineker vs. Ali Bagautinov – UFC 169 

Score another one for the Armchair Matchmaker, which rightfully called for and in turn received a matchup between top flyweight contenders John Lineker and Ali BagautiNOV (told ya). We all know the story with Lineker: 4-1 in the UFC, hits like a truck full of bricks, weighs-in like a truck full of ham, yadda yadda. If he can actually make 125 lbs for once and put away a rising star like Bagautinov, who improved his UFC record to 2-0 with a unanimous decision over the highly-touted Tim Elliot at UFC 167, we could be looking at our next title challenger. In which case, slugfest much?

Speaking of nicknames, “Puncher King” might be the most Russian nickname ever. Ranking:

How would you rank these fights of varying importance? Let us know in the comments section. 

-J. Jones

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