(‘I solemnly swear to kick some Korean giant ass.’)
If you’re anything like us, only now have you finally stopped LOL-ing about Jose Canseco’s ridiculous involvement in the upcoming Dream “Super Hulk” tournament. Not only is it a completely ‘tarded idea for a former pro athlete who is universally despised in his own sport to try and jump into MMA to make a quick buck, but he’s doing so against Hong Man Choi, just in case it wasn’t enough of a freak show already. But that got us thinking, if Canseco can do it, why not other disgraced pro athletes?
Here’s a few we wouldn’t mind seeing in a Japanese free-for-all, shit-show of an event.
(That’s Leaf in the middle of those two hunky dudes there.)
Ryan Leaf: Possibly the biggest NFL draft bust and an ongoing cautionary tale for pro football scouts everywhere, Leaf managed to make people hate him by being both completely useless as a quarterback and a total prick about it. Whatever money he originally bilked from that poor mom and pop operation known as the San Diego Chargers can’t last forever, so he should be in need of a good payday soon. And who wouldn’t want to see Leaf get punched in the face?
Possible opponents: Kevin Randleman will (sometimes) fight anyone, anywhere.
Michael Vick: Dude, dogfighting. That’s all you really have to say here. If you’ve been involved in actively harming man’s best friend for your own amusement, it’s safe to say that there are no shortage of people eager to see you take a beatdown on live TV. If there’s one athlete who actually stands a good chance of picking up the fundamentals of MMA in a hurry, it might well be Vick, but that only makes him a more interesting candidate.
Possible opponents: You know who hates dogfighting? Tito freaking Ortiz, that’s who.
Mark McGwire: After thrilling the nation with his pursuit of the single-season home run record, we later learned that McGwire was – surprise! – most likely on the juice. He took the sissy way out in a Congressional hearing, refusing to even offer us an indignant claim of innocence and choosing instead to back out of the spotlight in the hopes that we’d all forget about him.
Possible opponents: Jose Canseco, obviously. Canseco is the one who outed him in his tell-all book, and just imagine the fun a promoter could have twisting “The Bash Brothers” into a tagline for this event.
Maurice Clarett: Once a promising college running back, later an armed robber and general menace to society. He now writes a blog from prison, “The Mind of Maurice Clarett,” and has vowed to go straight and get his life together once he gets out. That sounds like a guy who could use a paycheck.
Possible opponents: It might be fun to see Shinya Aoki kneebar the poor bastard, just to give him terrifying flashbacks.
(Looking for these, Olympic Committee?)
Marion Jones: The steroid-using former Olympian had to give back her medals, and then as if that wasn’t enough she got caught up in some check fraud scheme, just to make her life seem that much more unsavory. That’s a person who definitely needs a place to compete where a) they pay for your celebrity, no matter what its current status, and b) they don’t drug test. I know a place like that. So does Bob Sapp.
Possible opponents: If Gina Carano weren’t so busy doing photo shoots this might be fun, but we’ll go ahead and say Kim Couture. It’s either her or Tonya Harding, and Kim could really use a vacation out of the country right now.