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If You Can’t Make It, Fake It: The Five Least-Successful Crossover Stars in MMA History


(James Toney, shown above with one boxing glove, one MMA glove, and an artist’s depiction of what he might look like if he lost 85 pounds.)

By Jared “DangadaDang” Jones

During its rise to popularity, Mixed Martial Arts has become known for the incredible physical conditioning, talent, and (depending whose side you’re on) heart of its athletes. It is a sport built on dedication; simply put, no amount of pink gloves and flirting with overweight TUF alums will make you an MMA fighter.

But as with any sport’s increase in mass appeal, MMA has seen its share of hacks, wannabes, scallywags and jabronis attempting to grab 15 more minutes of fame through a career in “that Ultimate Fighting stuff.” In light of James Toney’s continuing efforts to shake the MMA world with the use of side check kicks, I give you the five worst instances of C-to-D-list celebrities giving MMA the old community-college try.

5. Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson

The phrase “meteoric rise” comes to mind — one minute you were watching Kimbo smoke blunts in the background of semi-public orgies and the next he was being touted as the most formidable opponent to take Brock Lesnar’s crown. Mr. Ferguson landed on our radars through a series of brutal street fight videos in which he fought guys named “Afro Puff,” “Byrd,” “Chico,” and “Mayor McCheese.” These internet videos went viral so ferociously that the now-defunct EliteXC built him up to be their marquee star by feeding him other hopeless big lugs like “Bo” and “Tank.”

Kimbo was given his first “legitimate” opponent in James Thompson as the headlining bout of EliteXC: Primetime in May 2008. Despite possibly tapping to a guillotine in the first round and being on the receiving end of over 1,000 elbows in the second, Kimbo was able to pull off a rare standing-TKO of Thompson late in the third. (Good lookin’ out, Dan.)

For his next test, Kimbo would take a step sideways to fight eternal punching bag Ken Shamrock at EliteXC: Heat, but a last-minute cut forced Shamrock to withdraw. Kimbo would eventually be knocked out via Dirk Nowitzki-style fade-away jab at the hands of UFC washout/metrosexual Seth Petruzelli. The punch was apparently so powerful that it not only KO’ed Slice, but folded all of EliteXC quicker than you could say “I was paid to keep the fight standing.”

It seemed the end for Kimbo, but Dana White was not going to let this cash cow elite fighter fade away. The Baldfather gave Kimbo a second shot at glory by casting him in the 10th season of The Ultimate Fighter…where he was eliminated in his first fight against Roy Nelson. But it was a hell of a fight, right? Right?

And like every great comeback story in which the hero loses twice, a third shot was on its way. Kimbo answered the call, barely, defeating Houston Alexander in one of the most disappointing fights outside of Fabricio Werdum going all “Surrogates” on Alistair Overeem last month. He then faced off against fellow TUF 10 alum Matt Mitrione and was picked apart en route to a second-round TKO. Kimbo was subsequently given the boot from the UFC, but apparently is trying to become a professional boxer or something nowadays. So there’s that.

4. Johnnie Morton

Apparently unaware of the fact that one should train MMA for more than a few months before competing professionally, former NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton rolled the dice at K1 DYNAMITE USA!! in June 2007. It did not go well.

Taking a page from the playbooks of Bob Sapp and James Thompson, Morton rushed his opponent, Ivory Coast journeyman Bernard Ackah, with a flurry of punches that all but missed him completely. The two “n’s” in Johnnie’s name apparently standing for “nighty night,” Morton was put out of his misery 38 seconds into the match complements of a brutal straight right by Ackah. Not only was Morton carried out on a stretcher, but after refusing to take a post-fight drug test he was both denied his $100,000 dollar purse and suspended from MMA indefinitely.

It was revealed on June 9, 2007, that Morton’s testosterone ratio levels from a pre-fight urine sample registered at a mind- and possibly testicle-blowing 83.9 (the average male athlete having a TE ratio of 6). Damn, playa.

Hit the “next page” link for a pair of pro-wrestlers not named Brock, and a Couture not named Randy…

next page >

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CrushCo- July 12, 2011 at 11:31 am
I didn't even notice the "Next Page" buttons. I'm too lazy to scroll down, so I stop reading anything online once the words hit the bottom of the screen.

Nice work, DangadaDang. Welcome to the club.

I deleted the comment from "zhongukl" before I realized he was a new guest contributor. If anything, I protected his concept before it was stolen by a competing wordsmith.
KarmaAteMyCat- July 12, 2011 at 10:01 am
Damn always a different troll everyday. Good to see Sudo's brother is still stalking me not only VIA Twitter but also Via Comments section on other people articles. Terrible job trolling brother please take it back to the drawing board I offered to take that strap from you so You would have a reason to go pro I mean You do have what 16 ammy fights? Someone needs more Confidence in their skills. ANYWAY, Great WRITE UP again DangAdang sorry my trolls are blowing up the thread with nonsense.
d00d4d00ds- July 12, 2011 at 9:36 am
dang, you are fucking hilarious. keep them coming.
Fedor Penn- July 12, 2011 at 9:20 am
Although he didn't do very well Kimbo still made a real attempt at it and did have a couple of wins so his MMA career was by far less a joke than the other guys on this list. Love him or hate him the guy did bring a lot of attention to MMA. War Kimbo!
intercept440- July 12, 2011 at 7:25 am
reading that article did indeed make me a bit tired.. but not roy and overreem type tired... more like randy couture tired of looking at kims fucking ugly face whiel fucking her , and instead turning her over and dropping a load in her ass tired, then calling his attorney and fileing divorce papers tired, while drinking a redbull and calling up another whore tired... what the fuck has happened to this site.. fuck... im tired of typing
RSparrow- July 12, 2011 at 1:28 am
Nice article Danga, word of advice... just throw some cream pie bukake on page 6. Everyone wins...
fatbellyfrank- July 12, 2011 at 1:21 am
zhonguki v's shamrock, make it happen Ben, we'll all pitch in, me n Drano can do the PR. you and Rex handle the media, MR and Karma call the bouts, and we'll ALL split the cash, Medrare is DEF in charge of catering, El Guapo is sure to help out there!!
I'm excited!!!
Komodo- July 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm
How the hell is this zhongukl spamfuck still taking a shit on CP day after day? Good grief.
noizy- July 11, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Wearing a shirt with your face on it: what an ego trip.
fatbellyfrank- July 11, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Good stuff Dang, dont mind clickin pages myself
IronClad- July 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Get the fuck over having to click a couple pages. Lazy fat bastards.
DangadaDang- July 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm
As long as he sends you the article with more than 3 out of the proposed 5 I'd say its gold.
bgoldstein- July 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm
By the way, zhongukl just pitched me an idea for a list feature comparing different MMA fighters to brands of fashion shoes. I think it has potential.
DangadaDang- July 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Well, firstly I'd like to thank God for this massive achievement, as well as all those supporting me...we finally did it Ma! I'd also like to thank the supporting members of the CP army for the tireless and always insightful critiques and also the *cue music* DON'T CUT ME OFF! I'M TALKING HERE!
via. saku buttspank submission- July 11, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Bam bam, and Dr. Death are dead!!! This was actually pretty informative for me. Crazy.
ReX13- July 11, 2011 at 5:06 pm
i kid. For a CP debut, i'd say this is tops. Wordy as all hell, but that happens sometimes. (ahem)
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Also, Dang just wrote the damn thing. He didn't break it into pages. C'mon fools, this is one of your own. Clap, dammit!
ReX13- July 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm
This site really went to shit since Dundas left.
Smackdaddiest1- July 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Jones you a hater. You a hater Jones.
KarmaAteMyCum- July 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Some people need to understand that not just any amateur, crappy fighter can make it to the Ultimate Fighter. You need to put together some real wins on a professional level or give DW some quality head. And he is a very tough judge of what good head is and is not. Even if you go at him for hours he STILL may not be satisfied and give you that warm load you deserve. And that can be pretty disappointing for yourself and the people that actually gave you money and believed in you. So then you have to satisfy them as well, and sometime you'll learn that 'wow i'm just not that great of a fighter and my head skills are really lacking even though i train for both full time'. It can be really devastating going halfway across the country to get turned down, and disappoint the d-bags that helped you get there for no reason at all. Then on top of that having to blow about a thousand truckers to get back to the mid-west, cuz when you have terrible oral skills they'll kick you out after just a few miles. It makes you think about why it is you do what you do, but you just keep on trying. Whether its fighting in a parking lot or suckin dick at a truck stop, never stop.
El Guapo- July 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Co sign, Omunto. The GIFs don't make my work computer mertdowrn('meltdown' in Japanese)or anything, but they don't load completely. And if they do, they freeze. Pisses me off.
El Guapo- July 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I thought it was funnier than a third of the articles on the Tater. Not War Machine picking his ass hair funny, but definitely more entertaining than an Art Jimmo blog or story on New York saying no can do, playa, for the umpteenth time. However, this comment section is pretty money. As were the links. Good stuff, 'Dang.
omunto- July 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Apparently Baul_Tampax_Galey_Sucks_Kos either didn't read "work computer" or doesn't know much about business. You don't just get a new computer from a company just cause mma websites load slowly. But thanks for calling me a fuckwad, I do enjoy me some fuckwad.

I give you a solid 4-10 on your trolljob, however this site is filled with trolls so you better up your game if you want to compete against those guys.
Get Off Me- July 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I liked the article Dangadadang.
Being one of the ponies on Randy's carousel of broads does not make you a star, so Kim should be omitted.
KarmaAteMyCat- July 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm
People need something to QQ about for no fucking reason it's all good.
BONGTAR- July 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm
It was a cool read. I don't see the big deal in the multi-page. People just need something to complain about.
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