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20 Celebrities With Truly Awful Tattoos

If You Can’t Make It, Fake It: The Five Least-Successful Crossover Stars in MMA History

1. Jose Canseco

Oh man, this fucking guy. A name once synonymous with crushing homeruns — that is now synonymous with desperately clinging to fame’s taint — Jose Canseco made one last attempt at celebrity in May of 2009. Now, whereas any logical individual who was KTFO in a celebrity boxing match may have called it quits on this whole fighting business, Jose courageously gave the world of mixed martial arts a shot, likely under the assumption that smaller gloves would provide a smaller chance of getting hit.

The fight took place in the MMA freak-show capital of the world, Japan, this time under the DREAM banner. As if letting a washed up baseball player/reality show star fight in one of the most dangerous sports in the world wasn’t insane enough, Jose was matched up against the 7’2 kickboxer Hong Man Choi. The match saw Jose dance around the ring for about a minute, even managing to land a shot or two, before falling down on an attempted kick and quickly tapping to Choi’s strikes before he could get the beating he deserved. Snitches get stitches, Jose. That’s how it works.

I haven’t bothered to research what Jose is currently up to, but I imagine it involves trying to peddle his book to Hollywood movie executives while washing their windshields with old newspapers for a dollar.

*Honorable mention — Dave Bautista

The 6’6, 300 pound Dave Bautista trolled the MMA world last year when he announced to TMZ that he would be signing with Strikeforce, even going so far to claim that a fight purse had already been agreed on. Shortly thereafter came a few training videos, which showcased his Koji Oishi-esque ability to block punches (and rubber knives) with punches of his own. Put that together with the photos of him mean-mugging with the Cesar Gracie crew and we had the makings of the next Brock Lesnar, or Bobby Lashley at least.

Unfortunately, Bautista’s shot at the big time conveniently fell through with the Zuffa buyout of Strikeforce in March. But as with all the poorly applied sleeper holds he had suffered through over the years, Bautista would not give in, and recently opened an MMA gym, where he plans to teach generations of new fighters how to evade being mounted with the unstoppable sweep-to-whizzer-to-Batista-Bomb combo. Only in Florida.

Think I missed anyone? Of course you do! Let me know in your eloquently phrased comments

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CrushCo- July 12, 2011 at 11:31 am
I didn't even notice the "Next Page" buttons. I'm too lazy to scroll down, so I stop reading anything online once the words hit the bottom of the screen.

Nice work, DangadaDang. Welcome to the club.

I deleted the comment from "zhongukl" before I realized he was a new guest contributor. If anything, I protected his concept before it was stolen by a competing wordsmith.
KarmaAteMyCat- July 12, 2011 at 10:01 am
Damn always a different troll everyday. Good to see Sudo's brother is still stalking me not only VIA Twitter but also Via Comments section on other people articles. Terrible job trolling brother please take it back to the drawing board I offered to take that strap from you so You would have a reason to go pro I mean You do have what 16 ammy fights? Someone needs more Confidence in their skills. ANYWAY, Great WRITE UP again DangAdang sorry my trolls are blowing up the thread with nonsense.
d00d4d00ds- July 12, 2011 at 9:36 am
dang, you are fucking hilarious. keep them coming.
Fedor Penn- July 12, 2011 at 9:20 am
Although he didn't do very well Kimbo still made a real attempt at it and did have a couple of wins so his MMA career was by far less a joke than the other guys on this list. Love him or hate him the guy did bring a lot of attention to MMA. War Kimbo!
intercept440- July 12, 2011 at 7:25 am
reading that article did indeed make me a bit tired.. but not roy and overreem type tired... more like randy couture tired of looking at kims fucking ugly face whiel fucking her , and instead turning her over and dropping a load in her ass tired, then calling his attorney and fileing divorce papers tired, while drinking a redbull and calling up another whore tired... what the fuck has happened to this site.. fuck... im tired of typing
RSparrow- July 12, 2011 at 1:28 am
Nice article Danga, word of advice... just throw some cream pie bukake on page 6. Everyone wins...
fatbellyfrank- July 12, 2011 at 1:21 am
zhonguki v's shamrock, make it happen Ben, we'll all pitch in, me n Drano can do the PR. you and Rex handle the media, MR and Karma call the bouts, and we'll ALL split the cash, Medrare is DEF in charge of catering, El Guapo is sure to help out there!!
I'm excited!!!
Komodo- July 11, 2011 at 9:22 pm
How the hell is this zhongukl spamfuck still taking a shit on CP day after day? Good grief.
noizy- July 11, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Wearing a shirt with your face on it: what an ego trip.
fatbellyfrank- July 11, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Good stuff Dang, dont mind clickin pages myself
IronClad- July 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Get the fuck over having to click a couple pages. Lazy fat bastards.
DangadaDang- July 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm
As long as he sends you the article with more than 3 out of the proposed 5 I'd say its gold.
bgoldstein- July 11, 2011 at 6:15 pm
By the way, zhongukl just pitched me an idea for a list feature comparing different MMA fighters to brands of fashion shoes. I think it has potential.
DangadaDang- July 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Well, firstly I'd like to thank God for this massive achievement, as well as all those supporting me...we finally did it Ma! I'd also like to thank the supporting members of the CP army for the tireless and always insightful critiques and also the *cue music* DON'T CUT ME OFF! I'M TALKING HERE!
via. saku buttspank submission- July 11, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Bam bam, and Dr. Death are dead!!! This was actually pretty informative for me. Crazy.
ReX13- July 11, 2011 at 5:06 pm
i kid. For a CP debut, i'd say this is tops. Wordy as all hell, but that happens sometimes. (ahem)
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Also, Dang just wrote the damn thing. He didn't break it into pages. C'mon fools, this is one of your own. Clap, dammit!
ReX13- July 11, 2011 at 5:03 pm
This site really went to shit since Dundas left.
Smackdaddiest1- July 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Jones you a hater. You a hater Jones.
KarmaAteMyCum- July 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Some people need to understand that not just any amateur, crappy fighter can make it to the Ultimate Fighter. You need to put together some real wins on a professional level or give DW some quality head. And he is a very tough judge of what good head is and is not. Even if you go at him for hours he STILL may not be satisfied and give you that warm load you deserve. And that can be pretty disappointing for yourself and the people that actually gave you money and believed in you. So then you have to satisfy them as well, and sometime you'll learn that 'wow i'm just not that great of a fighter and my head skills are really lacking even though i train for both full time'. It can be really devastating going halfway across the country to get turned down, and disappoint the d-bags that helped you get there for no reason at all. Then on top of that having to blow about a thousand truckers to get back to the mid-west, cuz when you have terrible oral skills they'll kick you out after just a few miles. It makes you think about why it is you do what you do, but you just keep on trying. Whether its fighting in a parking lot or suckin dick at a truck stop, never stop.
El Guapo- July 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Co sign, Omunto. The GIFs don't make my work computer mertdowrn('meltdown' in Japanese)or anything, but they don't load completely. And if they do, they freeze. Pisses me off.
El Guapo- July 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I thought it was funnier than a third of the articles on the Tater. Not War Machine picking his ass hair funny, but definitely more entertaining than an Art Jimmo blog or story on New York saying no can do, playa, for the umpteenth time. However, this comment section is pretty money. As were the links. Good stuff, 'Dang.
omunto- July 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Apparently Baul_Tampax_Galey_Sucks_Kos either didn't read "work computer" or doesn't know much about business. You don't just get a new computer from a company just cause mma websites load slowly. But thanks for calling me a fuckwad, I do enjoy me some fuckwad.

I give you a solid 4-10 on your trolljob, however this site is filled with trolls so you better up your game if you want to compete against those guys.
Get Off Me- July 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I liked the article Dangadadang.
Being one of the ponies on Randy's carousel of broads does not make you a star, so Kim should be omitted.
KarmaAteMyCat- July 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm
People need something to QQ about for no fucking reason it's all good.
BONGTAR- July 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm
It was a cool read. I don't see the big deal in the multi-page. People just need something to complain about.
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