1. Jose Canseco

Oh man, this fucking guy. A name once synonymous with crushing homeruns — that is now synonymous with desperately clinging to fame’s taint — Jose Canseco made one last attempt at celebrity in May of 2009. Now, whereas any logical individual who was KTFO in a celebrity boxing match may have called it quits on this whole fighting business, Jose courageously gave the world of mixed martial arts a shot, likely under the assumption that smaller gloves would provide a smaller chance of getting hit.

The fight took place in the MMA freak-show capital of the world, Japan, this time under the DREAM banner. As if letting a washed up baseball player/reality show star fight in one of the most dangerous sports in the world wasn’t insane enough, Jose was matched up against the 7’2 kickboxer Hong Man Choi. The match saw Jose dance around the ring for about a minute, even managing to land a shot or two, before falling down on an attempted kick and quickly tapping to Choi’s strikes before he could get the beating he deserved. Snitches get stitches, Jose. That’s how it works.

I haven’t bothered to research what Jose is currently up to, but I imagine it involves trying to peddle his book to Hollywood movie executives while washing their windshields with old newspapers for a dollar.

*Honorable mention — Dave Bautista

The 6’6, 300 pound Dave Bautista trolled the MMA world last year when he announced to TMZ that he would be signing with Strikeforce, even going so far to claim that a fight purse had already been agreed on. Shortly thereafter came a few training videos, which showcased his Koji Oishi-esque ability to block punches (and rubber knives) with punches of his own. Put that together with the photos of him mean-mugging with the Cesar Gracie crew and we had the makings of the next Brock Lesnar, or Bobby Lashley at least.

Unfortunately, Bautista’s shot at the big time conveniently fell through with the Zuffa buyout of Strikeforce in March. But as with all the poorly applied sleeper holds he had suffered through over the years, Bautista would not give in, and recently opened an MMA gym, where he plans to teach generations of new fighters how to evade being mounted with the unstoppable sweep-to-whizzer-to-Batista-Bomb combo. Only in Florida.

Think I missed anyone? Of course you do! Let me know in your eloquently phrased comments…

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