(“Look, I’m an escort not a hooker. I’m just here for good food and good company, and whatever happens later…well, it happens. You’re not a cop, right?“)

I can’t tell if this is a better or worse deal than talking to Ken Shamrock on the phone for $11.99 a minute. A “sports fan experience” company called Thuzio is now selling personal interactions with former UFC middleweight champion Rich Franklin. Leading off their menu of services…

“Lunch or Dinner: $1,000
Invite Rich to join you and your guests for lunch or dinner. You choose the restaurant and you choose what you want to talk about. Ask Rich questions about his career as a professional mixed martial artist. (Up to 2 hours)”

Man, I really want to start a Kickstarter account just so I can take Rich to Arby’s and talk about Anderson Silva‘s career for two hours. Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t know. But if I’m shelling out a friggin’ thousand bucks, I want to make sure my guest of honor is having as bad a time as possible.

Thuzio is also selling private lessons with Ace for $600/hour — “Rich will be your personal trainer giving you access to a middleweight champion. Learn first hand what it takes to a professional MMA fighter.” — which seems like a much better option than paying four figures for the most awkward dinner of your life. You can also make a “custom request,” if you’re looking for something a little more…shall we say…exotic.

Though Rich is the only MMA fighter on their roster, Thuzio offers many other options to fill your sports fantasy needs. A $5,000 round of golf with John Starks? Done. $7,500 to get Ryan Tannehill at your kid’s bar mitzvah? How much for just his wife?