("Yeah, yeah, the number is the number, now where the f*ck the buffet at?" Photo courtesy of Heavy.)

After James Toney performed about as well as we thought James Toney would at UFC 118 last month, Dana White stated that we’d seen the last of Lights Out in the Octagon. And that may be the case, but it’s not going to stop James from trying. (After all, he got his UFC gig in the first place by being an insufferable pest.) In a new story posted on Fighthype, Toney angles for a spot on the upcoming UFC 123: Rampage vs. Machida card, which will be held near his Detroit hometown. "If they want to sell any tickets in Detroit, they should put me on there," Toney said. "Bitch ass Rampage can’t sell no tickets in my hometown." 

Well that’s not very kind. Keep in mind that James Toney didn’t exactly prove to be a strong live draw himself, as UFC 118 was short a couple thousand seats of a sellout, even with Toney’s presence. And that was in Boston, a fantastic and well-populated city that MMA fans would actually want to travel to. Detroit, on the other hand, is a bombed-out wasteland that you would only pass through as a last resort. According to our own research, the only way to guarantee sales in Detroit is to book either Brock Lesnar or GSP against Violent J or Shaggy 2 Dope.


Here’s my booking idea for James Toney, if Zuffa decides to stay in business with him, God knows why: Put him up against smaller and smaller fighters to determine how much larger a washed-up boxer would need to be to in order to beat a mixed martial artist in a cage-fight. He lost his first UFC match to heavyweight/light-heavyweight legend Randy Couture, which means he should get a credible middleweight next — perhaps Vitor Belfort, who might even agree to keep it standing with him. Toney would work his way down the ladder with every loss until he drops a hard-fought decision to Joseph Benavidez in the WEC. And then he’d be released to Strikeforce, where he’d go on to fight (and lose to) Cris Cyborg, followed by Sarah Kaufman. He would be paid $5,000 for each appearance. Take it or leave it, James, because I don’t see any boxing promoters knocking down your door either.