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James Toney’s UFC Signing Proves Anything Is Possible With Perseverance and Semi-Coherent Internet Videos

(Apparently it doesn’t even matter if no one can understand a single word you say, either.)

Well, it’s happened. According to a report on, which was then confirmed by, the UFC has signed heavyweight boxing champion James Toney to a multi-fight deal. I’m going to give you a moment to process that information before we move on…

First of all, let us be the first to say, Are you fucking kidding us? Then let us follow that up with, You’re fucking kidding us, aren’t you? Once that’s out of our system, we have to admit that while we publicly supported this idea, we never thought it would really happen. Now that it has, all we can do is stare out the window in numb silence, a tepid puddle of drool collecting in our laps, while our minds spin with all the possible opponents the UFC might put him up against first.

According to Dana White, they have “no idea” when Toney might make his Octagon debut, or who he might face when he does. His previous statements and current physical condition would have us believe that heavyweight is the most likely division for him, which means it shouldn’t be long before his wrestling abilities are tested/exposed. We know, his stated plan is to just avoid the ground game altogether, but let’s be serious for a moment.

The UFC has a couple of choices here:

1) Let James Toney take a major ass-whipping.
This shouldn’t be too difficult. Put him up against a good wrestler with decent enough ground-and-pound who will put his head against the cage and then smash it like a pumpkin with a series of vicious elbows. You don’t want someone who is obviously out of Toney’s league on the mat. A Cain Velasquez or Shane Carwin would be almost criminal, not to mention impossible to get sanctioned in the U.S. Ben Rothwell or Gabriel Gonzaga might be too tempted to stand and trade with him.  But a Chris Tuchscherer kind of guy? That sounds about right.

2) Give Toney a chance to pick up at least one win.
Without knowing anything about what Toney can actually do in an MMA fight, we have to guess that this would probably involve going out and getting a hand-picked palooka so as to give him a chance to get his feet wet. Who knows, he might still lose to anyone who’s so much as seen a kimura on TV, but at least it would seem more fair. The trouble with this option is, what will all those boxing fanboys say about MMA if an over-the-hill boxer can jump in the Octagon and win his first fight?

3) Just toss him in there with Kimbo Slice and let nature take its course.
It wouldn’t be pretty and it probably wouldn’t last long, but man, would it ever sell. This is the option that appeals most to the shortsighted entrepreneur in all of us. It does nothing to advance the sport and is guaranteed to get a lot of people pissed off at the UFC for even making the fight. Then again, those same people won’t be able to stop themselves from ordering the pay-per-view.

Okay, Potato Nation. Now it’s your turn. Say you’re locked in a room with Dana White, Joe Silva, a pot of coffee, and the name of every available heavyweight. No one’s leaving this room until a decision has been reached. What do you do, hot shot?

Cagepotato Comments

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KingAtRock- March 5, 2010 at 3:26 am
like it needs to be said again but UFC has jumped the shark..again. Pretty soon it'll just be the WWE of MMA.
frndlylion- March 4, 2010 at 11:23 pm
Someone just needs to pound on his head until he can speak clearly again.
bbbcswr- March 4, 2010 at 11:59 am
UFC will probably give him a stand up guy to get him a win. Then put him in with kimbo. yeah not really good for the sport but this is an entertainment business too, not just a sport. I would be entertained by that match up. If the UFC really wanted to sign a pro boxer who could actually do something significant in the UFC they should sign Kermit Cintron. He was a wrestling state champion in high school and is a former world champion that is not washed up in any way. I think he could actually do something in this sport
blackboxmma- March 4, 2010 at 8:23 am
I smell a Ken Shamrock return.
shitbag- March 4, 2010 at 8:00 am
Oh this is an easy one:

James Toney vs. Tim Sylvia

Give Sylvia a chance to redeem himself against another boxer, and if not he'll fail spectacularly again.

Toney vs. Fedor

This is the time to sign Fedor to a one fight deal, with the crazy russians at it again with strikeforce. Toney will take the fight, he's an idiot.

I think Toney should visit

Houstons db- March 4, 2010 at 7:17 am
I say Tony vs. Anthony peroshh...??.. the hippo. the guy cro cop destroyed. not much stand up but good on the ground and i dont think tony has the take down defense cro cop does so it should be a pretty easy dub.
destinationblood- March 4, 2010 at 5:33 am
Pat Berry
Charming Charlie- March 4, 2010 at 4:33 am
I've read this one before. I'm pretty sure his first fight is against the recently cut Alexander Houston. It's a shitty fight which answers no questions and leaves everyone that much more grateful for the real MMA fighters who may have fewer fans but demonstrate actual athletic conditioning and technique for meager payouts.
Phil Bologna- March 4, 2010 at 3:55 am
I would first like to see him fight someone that will stand with him, someone like Buentello, Berry, or Ferg. Then asses the situation and throw him in a second fight with Tuscherer, Dos Santos, or Gonzaga.
Bigm300- March 4, 2010 at 1:37 am
I say the winner of Cro Cop/Barry. Let someone kick the hell out of him.
robthom- March 4, 2010 at 1:31 am
I wonder what Toney is gonna weigh in at?

I'm assuming with his gut its got to be HW or maybe LHW. But I dont believe he has ever gone back down the scale ever since he started heading up it.
Bisping is heading the other direction. It would be a good fight and a seller though.
fatbellyfrank- March 4, 2010 at 12:41 am
Now that we're being serious,@ pickle and robthom, I absolutley agree,now the contract is done, you won't make bucks out of a quick squash,but what about Bisping as #1?
Hype the shit out of it over in England, do it in front of 60,000 screaming Brits in London or Manchester, talk about use it or lose it with the added bonus of getting rid of either Bisping or Toney
Thatsozay- March 4, 2010 at 12:20 am
How about letting Mark Coleman go out on top by destroying JT with his best ( and at this point only) tool, GnP! Now that I would "pay" to see.
robthom- March 4, 2010 at 12:14 am
I agree with pickle, give him some stand up bangers and we'll get our money and entertainments worth. I'd rather see a few good brawls first than just proving the obvious by immediately taking him down.

Buentello is good. Even Yvel who would add an extra threat of headkicks. Herring is no good because his "strength" is wrestling. It will be the first thing he goes for and a horrendously boring waste of resource.

And as far as what boxing fanboys will say, the upside of Toney at least appearing competitive is that it could encourage more boxers to come on over here.

(Shhh, its a clever ruse ;) )
A Body Like Chucks- March 3, 2010 at 11:59 pm
I havent seen one person mention Gilbert Yvel, throw JT in with him, it'll be a nice slugfest. JT may even catch Yvel, unless Yvel kicks him in his nads.
2phresh- March 3, 2010 at 10:26 pm
if he get past simba spice, like KG always says 'anything is possible'
fatbellyfrank- March 3, 2010 at 10:05 pm
@mmasamurai, that just about sums it up
or he can fight Canseco, in an Octagon encased in glass, 100 metres beneath the surface of the Ocean, in order to win you have to submit/ko your opponent, escape from glass encased octagon and swim to surface with no artificial breathing gear.
I'd pay to see that
Goat- March 3, 2010 at 9:25 pm
Sign me and have me fight him for some type of interim belt. Fuck, if Toney can get into the UFC by being an internet jack ass, so can I.
stopdrinkingpee- March 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm
1] Roy Nelson. For the reasons already stated.

2] Cro Cop. A weird statement win in his comeback.

3] Frank Mir. "I want James Toney to be the first person whose humerus is directly visible in the Octagon."

4] Stefan Struve. Because if it's gonna be a freakshow, he might as well fight a guy 30 feet tall.

5] Kimbo. This almost makes too much sense not to happen, doesn't it?

Wild Card: Justin Wren. He didn't deliver on TUF and he would destroy Toney. How much more of a statement can you get?
nicey- March 3, 2010 at 8:49 pm
multi-fight deal means nothing as dw has proven many times.
MoonBelly- March 3, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Someone already mentioned it, Heath Herring. That would be a good matchup.
mma samurai- March 3, 2010 at 8:26 pm
In the immortal words of Rocco from the Boondock Saints:

"What the fuckin fuck!? How the fuck?!?!?!?! Fuckin fuck?!?!?! Who in the fuck?!?!?!?! Fuckin...........FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
kerouac- March 3, 2010 at 7:56 pm
If hes going to fight at heavyweight, put him in there with Heath Herring; if hes going in as a light heavy give him Forrest Griffin. This guy keeps talking about how "ready" he is, so put him in there with a couple of guys who are well-rounded, well-respected, and work and work and work and lets see how he does.
PurplePickle- March 3, 2010 at 7:37 pm
Why sign him just to smash him? The correct order of choices is 2,3,1. Give him Buentello for a first fight. Respected veteran who keeps it standing and makes it a decent fight. Toney is dangerous and shouldn't be underestimated.

Then main card a Toney/Slice fight on a ppv and hype the shit out of it. Two dangerous strikers ready to commit some 'explosive on explosive' crime in the octagon.

After that, feed him to any ground and pound animal that is available. Maximize the investment before you introduce him to the full mount.
Travesty33_5- March 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm