(Apparently it doesn’t even matter if no one can understand a single word you say, either.)
Well, it’s happened. According to a report on FiveOuncesofPain.com, which was then confirmed by MMAFighting.com, the UFC has signed heavyweight boxing champion James Toney to a multi-fight deal. I’m going to give you a moment to process that information before we move on…
First of all, let us be the first to say, Are you fucking kidding us? Then let us follow that up with, You’re fucking kidding us, aren’t you? Once that’s out of our system, we have to admit that while we publicly supported this idea, we never thought it would really happen. Now that it has, all we can do is stare out the window in numb silence, a tepid puddle of drool collecting in our laps, while our minds spin with all the possible opponents the UFC might put him up against first.
According to Dana White, they have “no idea” when Toney might make his Octagon debut, or who he might face when he does. His previous statements and current physical condition would have us believe that heavyweight is the most likely division for him, which means it shouldn’t be long before his wrestling abilities are tested/exposed. We know, his stated plan is to just avoid the ground game altogether, but let’s be serious for a moment.
The UFC has a couple of choices here:
1) Let James Toney take a major ass-whipping.
This shouldn’t be too difficult. Put him up against a good wrestler with decent enough ground-and-pound who will put his head against the cage and then smash it like a pumpkin with a series of vicious elbows. You don’t want someone who is obviously out of Toney’s league on the mat. A Cain Velasquez or Shane Carwin would be almost criminal, not to mention impossible to get sanctioned in the U.S. Ben Rothwell or Gabriel Gonzaga might be too tempted to stand and trade with him. But a Chris Tuchscherer kind of guy? That sounds about right.
2) Give Toney a chance to pick up at least one win.
Without knowing anything about what Toney can actually do in an MMA fight, we have to guess that this would probably involve going out and getting a hand-picked palooka so as to give him a chance to get his feet wet. Who knows, he might still lose to anyone who’s so much as seen a kimura on TV, but at least it would seem more fair. The trouble with this option is, what will all those boxing fanboys say about MMA if an over-the-hill boxer can jump in the Octagon and win his first fight?
3) Just toss him in there with Kimbo Slice and let nature take its course.
It wouldn’t be pretty and it probably wouldn’t last long, but man, would it ever sell. This is the option that appeals most to the shortsighted entrepreneur in all of us. It does nothing to advance the sport and is guaranteed to get a lot of people pissed off at the UFC for even making the fight. Then again, those same people won’t be able to stop themselves from ordering the pay-per-view.
Okay, Potato Nation. Now it’s your turn. Say you’re locked in a room with Dana White, Joe Silva, a pot of coffee, and the name of every available heavyweight. No one’s leaving this room until a decision has been reached. What do you do, hot shot?