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Judgment Day: 7 MMA Fighters Who Will Benefit From the End of the World

(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)

According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…

The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.


Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.


For what it’s worth, tomorrow’s Bellator 45 light-heavyweight tournament headliner in Lake Charles, Louisiana, will be the last televised MMA match of the day in this country. If God can hold off the rapture until the end of the night, Hale vs. M’Pumbu could very well be the last televised MMA match ever. That’s pretty damn historic. Not that we’ll care much about history in the post-rapture chaos, but still.


Famously, Vitor Belfort is the guy who expect Jesus, bro, every day. How psyched is he going to be when Jesus actually shows up on a random Saturday? All the hardships he’s suffered in his life were only tests from God. Now that he’s proven his devotion, he’ll be one of the first to be lifted off his feet, while Stankie stands there earthbound and furious, cursing his fancy ass.


Mayhem’s a “devout atheist” who once told a Mormon interviewer, “after my victory, I would like to thank science.” I can see him and Joe Rogan holed up in a bunker following the rapture, splitting a bottle of wine and discussing the mysteries of the universe. It’ll suck to have their cynical anti-beliefs proven wrong so dramatically, but for one sweet moment, they won’t be surrounded by so many assholes.


…because if you’re gonna go, go out on top.

Cagepotato Comments

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Romanhelmut- May 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Ben Henderson has never tried alchohol?!? WTF?....what a tool. Nice guy but he needs to get super kicked again....
macreadysshack- May 20, 2011 at 6:23 pm
That interview with Mayhem is so awesomely uncomfortable. That interviewer is one of the worst ever. What a doofus. Can't even stand up for his unstandupforable bullshit.
Spicymeatball- May 20, 2011 at 5:44 pm
Fuck all these holier than thou Athletic "Commissions". Its completely hypocritical and unfair to take almost 2 years away from Sonnen's fighting career. All these guys have been bought and paid for by lobbyists and politicians alike. Sonnen is an asshole but how can they have the right to completely not allow him to fight. Sonnen should just say fuck it and go fight Bisping at the next UFC in England. Fuck the NSAC the CSAC and Kieth Kizer's sack.
darciesdaddy- May 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I'm psyched. It's already tomorrow in the Philippines, and my family called and told me the Rapture is awesome. I can't wait. Sucks that I'm going to have to wait in line so long here in the Alaska time zone. Goddamn daylight savings time has tacked another hour onto my earthly existence.
Wildty- May 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm
I thought Saturday was just the Rapture, not the Apocalypse, those doomsday people are saying that comes on October 11, 2011. 3% of the world's population is going to be taken, the rest of us heathens left behind to fight amongst each other as we wait for our impending doom. I got scotch, smoke, and plenty of ammo and such. As long as the PSN doesn't get shut down again, bring it.
LET IT RAIN- May 20, 2011 at 3:58 pm
just about hookers and cocaine time gentlemen!! any of you guys wanna spot me? I'll get ya back Monday.
RSparrow- May 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm
See you all in hell
Magic Wandy- May 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm
fucking tiki....
Lopes- May 20, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Seeing Tiki with Arianny makes me think that I had a shot with her. I don't know if the makes me feel good or depressed...
Tai-Pan- May 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Same Bongtar, except I puked all over my boner.
Carl Sagan- May 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Never saw that interview with Miller. His stock just went up.
topdog- May 20, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Im here my friend...Im here. Look on the bright side at least Felice Herrig is here with us.
BONGTAR- May 20, 2011 at 2:35 pm
That last pic made me puke
Fried Taco- May 20, 2011 at 2:34 pm
WTF? Where did everyone go? Why am I the only one left posting comments?