(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)
According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…
The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.
Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.
RICHARD HALE AND CHRISTIAN M’PUMBU
For what it’s worth, tomorrow’s Bellator 45 light-heavyweight tournament headliner in Lake Charles, Louisiana, will be the last televised MMA match of the day in this country. If God can hold off the rapture until the end of the night, Hale vs. M’Pumbu could very well be the last televised MMA match ever. That’s pretty damn historic. Not that we’ll care much about history in the post-rapture chaos, but still.
Famously, Vitor Belfort is the guy who expect Jesus, bro, every day. How psyched is he going to be when Jesus actually shows up on a random Saturday? All the hardships he’s suffered in his life were only tests from God. Now that he’s proven his devotion, he’ll be one of the first to be lifted off his feet, while Stankie stands there earthbound and furious, cursing his fancy ass.
Mayhem’s a “devout atheist” who once told a Mormon interviewer, “after my victory, I would like to thank science.” I can see him and Joe Rogan holed up in a bunker following the rapture, splitting a bottle of wine and discussing the mysteries of the universe. It’ll suck to have their cynical anti-beliefs proven wrong so dramatically, but for one sweet moment, they won’t be surrounded by so many assholes.
…because if you’re gonna go, go out on top.