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Kimbo Slice to Co-Star with Hulk Hogan in New Children’s Movie

(‘Get your narrow asses into that theater and see my damn movie.’)

I actually wrote that headline about a year ago after suffering through a long bout of insomnia. I was delirious and running around in nothing but a pair of waders and a replica L.A. Rams helmet, and without knowing what the words meant I carved them into the wall of my bedroom with a rusty nail. It was a very dark time for me. Never did I think my prophecy would come to pass. Now I fear I’ve somehow brought this down upon our heads by inadvertently calling upon Gods that are both too powerful and too cruel.

According to media sources, Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are set to co-star in a martial arts children’s comedy entitled, “Kung Fu U”.

It’s about a group of nerdy kids who are sent to a special school (Kung Fu U, we presume) to learn fighting skills that will help them stand up to bullies. Their instructors, played by Slice and Hogan, help them out, and in turn the kids help them by teaching some bullshit lessons about their bullshit lives. And who’s behind this? How about Stereo Vision, which is chaired by “Baywatch” creator David Schwartz, a man who knows better than anyone how to grab onto the zeitgeist and ride it for all it’s worth:

“We’re very happy to have Kimbo Slice co-starring in ‘Kung Fu U.’ He has an enormous media presence, and he’ll fit right in with our star Hulk Hogan, and the other cast members in our made for kids 3D movie. We hope to have ‘Kung Fu U’ in 3D in theatres by the fall of ’09.”

Oh, good. It’s in 3D. For a minute there I was concerned that this children’s movie starring a former pro wrestler and a former bodyguard for internet pornographers might turn out to be a horrible fiasco. But no, 3D. That’s how all the quality films are done. Just look at “Captain EO”.

Aren’t you usually supposed to wait until you’re a top-ranked fighter before you start indulging in the kinds of distractions that will eventually pull you away from the fight game? Isn’t that typically how it goes? Perhaps times have changed. They must have, because for once Hulk Hogan is poised to be the veteran actor on the set. One can only imagine his advice for Kimbo on how to really locate and understand the motivations of your character, brother.

Cagepotato Comments

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tree_choppa- July 30, 2008 at 10:15 pm
anybody remember the hulkster in suburban commando? classic shit!
Mr. B- July 30, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I love Kung Fu U!!!

I've been a huge fan of Kung Fu U, since the first time I watched it. If you haven't seen Kung Fu U, go rent Going Berserk

John Candy is superb as the talented Kung Fu student. If you view it, keep an eye peeled for a sign in the background, of the Kung Fu cafeteria. If memory serves, it says "No raping in the cafeteria." A must see for all John Candy fans.

As to the Slice and Hogan movie; I wouldn't pay two cents to see it. Now if Rowdy Roddy Piper and Adam Carolla were to have the leading roles, I'd be first in line.

Remember all wrestling is fake, unless Piper is fighting.

Roddy Piper Career Retrospective 1987
Billy Bad Ass- July 30, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Nothing... I REPEAT... NOTHING can ever top Hulk Hogan's "No Holds Barred." The movie that crossed over into the WWF with Tiny "Zeus" Lister coming off screen to wrestle on a Tag Team against Hogan and Randy Savage. Masterpiece of modern day cinema.
Clown Baby- July 30, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I agree wit Anon. VERY Hunter S. Thompsonesque n you gotta love that. *whether it was intentional or not*
wow- July 30, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Come on now this is going to be allot better than Mr. Nanny .... or Suburban Comando!! I have a feeling that this might even top 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain could even do more $$ than No Holds Barred!!!
Vrax- July 30, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I enjoy snark factor = 10 articles such as this, well played.
Jeff- July 30, 2008 at 3:25 pm
If this is your sick idea of a joke, I don't think it's funny.
Dr.- July 30, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I love how they refer to Kimbo as an "undefeated Mixed Martial Arts phenomenon."

More like unproven, newcomer shrouded in hype.
L Grant- July 30, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Journey to the Centre of the Earth wasn't all that bad considering who it was marketed to. My kids loved it.

I think Kimbo and Hogan will really come off as great Kung Fu fighters though. They both have extensive backgrounds in traditional martial arts...uh, wait, sorry, um, maybe it should be retitled....Jacked on Roids U, or Brawl U.
Anonymous- July 30, 2008 at 3:05 pm
the first paragraph of this post is exactly why i love cage potato just a little more than my other mma blogs.

thank, CP.
John- July 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm
that's glorious man! check out the trailer here:
Geriatric Peon- July 30, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Don't forget the instant classic Journey At The Center Of The Earth was done in 3D so BOOYA