(MICROSOFT PAINT IS ALPHA MALE SHIT! Photo courtesy of Alpha-Male-Shit.myshopify.com. Of course we aren’t joking.)
Do you have some last-second Christmas gifts to buy for the MMA fans in your life? Do said fans often find themselves looking at MMA t-shirts and thinking “Yeah, this assortment of glitter, botched Hanzi and skulls is fantastic, but I need something a little more ridiculous.” Do you have no problems with dropping twenty-five bucks on a shirt that was blatantly designed in Microsoft Paint, and probably in under twenty seconds?
Then do I have some excellent news for you: War Machine has launched a clothing line – subtly called “Alpha Male Shit” – and it is exactly what you’re assuming it is.
Alpha Male Shit solves the dilemma that apparently alpha males face all the time: How does one demonstrate how badass he (or she!) is while doing everyday things like grocery shopping, visiting the zoo or mowing the lawn? The answer, obviously, is to wear a shirt proclaiming that you do Alpha Male Shit; this way, even the alpha male getting his teeth cleaned can remind his dentist that he’s usually more awesome than this. If you think I’m joking, then take a look at what appears to be the brand’s signature design (I base this squarely off the fact that there are four variations – including a female version! – of it in the shop right now):
The irony of this shirt will undoubtedly be lost on anyone who buys it earnestly: Genuine alpha males aren’t constantly looking for approval and validation from others. Wearing a shirt that says “I do Alpha Male Shit” as a way to remind everyone how dominant are tough you are proves that you definitely aren’t the alpha male you claim to be. In fact, if you’d wear a shirt like that for non-ironic purposes, you’re pretty much the real life Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Simply put, the shirt is a joke, no matter how you wear it, so you might as well wear it in a way that demonstrates that you’re in on the joke. Maybe buy some rope chains and Ring Pops to complete your outfit.
War Machine’s line of clothing also includes a “Politically Correct BULLSHIT” shirt, a tribute to Phil Baroni that took maybe ten seconds to design, and an “Alpha Male ABCs” shirt that is sure to get your grandmother to ask you what cypionate is.
Al Bundy, you know what to do….