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Let’s Count the Cringe-Worthy Moments in This Amazing/Awful News Segment About a UFC Gym Opening

(Mad props to Nick Newell for sending this to us!)

1. The official name of this news segment is “Ruben takes on the ‘Black Beast’ at the new UFC gym.” The Black Beast in question is a large African-American dude who is never referred to by name. When you are the Black Beast, you don’t need a real name. [Update: The Black Beast has been identified as UFC heavyweight prospect Derrick Lewis.]

2. We hear Ruben before we see him. But once we do…holy crap, it’s wonderful. Ruben is going for the knockout, baby. He is dressed in male yoga pants, a sleeveless zip-up, and fingerless gloves, because he’s a real reporter. He sounds like a young, Latino Richard Simmons.

3. Close-up on a replica UFC belt, held by some kid. “Here it is, it’s the official UFC belt. I’m not lying! Seriously! Right, Randy?” Randy: “That’s correct, it is the actual UFC championship belt.”

4. After a whole lot of chest pummeling, the white guy with the dreads flips his female partner, and Ruben’s like “OH MAH GAWSH, HE JUST TOOK HER DOWN.” Ruben did not see that one coming.

5. Ruben after witnessing a triangle choke: “I wanna try that before I hit the ring with the Black Beast.” Patience, Ruben.

6. White guy with dreads: “Get on your back.” Ruben: “No, I don’t want to get on my back, you get on your back.”

7. Ruben: “So what if I go like this to the Black Beast?”

8. Ruben literally shoves Randy aside after Randy shares some info about the gym. “I’M NOT FEELIN’ THE ENERGY, GET OUTTA HERE GET OUTTA HERE, COME ON GUYS, COME ON, LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR THE BLACK BEAST.” Ruben really wants that Black Beast, y’all.

9. Ruben takes a running start, jumps onto the Black Beast, and starts humping him. Back in the newsroom, the female anchor shrieks with glee. At 2:28, Ruben is basically grinding on the Black Beast like a hood stripper, and the female anchor feigns shock. “I feel like I saw that move up in the club,” she says.

10. Eventually, the Black Beast slams Ruben to the mat and Ruben squeals while the anchors freak out. What a great moment in local news.

11. “I think you won, Black Beast.”

12. The female anchor: “I like [that] the Black Beast’s face is just like, neutral…Poor Ruben. He is gonna be sore tomorrow.”

13. Afterwards, Ruben posts this photo to his twitter page:

14. Ruben has already been booked on the prelims of the TUF: Latin America Finale.

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