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Let’s Count the LOL-Worthy Moments in This Amazing/Awful Video About the Nick Diaz-Mayhem Miller Feud

So apparently Anderson Silva and Jay-Z have joined forces under the latter’s Life+Times network to launch a new web series focused on MMA rivalries called STATIC. In episode two, STATIC takes a hilariously overdramatized look back at the Mayhem Miller vs. Nick Diaz rivalry a.k.a The Nashville brawl and the aftermath that followed. It is ridiculous for so, so many reasons.

1. Nothing like a close-up of a some dude who is neither Jason Miller nor Nick Diaz to kick off a video about the rivalry between Jason Miller and Nick Diaz.

2. “Where I come from, people like that get slapped.” — Nick Diaz, referring to Ariel Helwani but edited to make it seem relevant.

3. Oh, I see. That was all just part of the intro. The actual segment devoted to Diaz vs. Miller starts with that footage of Diaz incomprehensibly ranting/flipping off his camera while driving. Definitely the best way to let fans know that this rivalry is, like, *super* serial.

4. Holy shit, the voice of whoever’s narrating this.

5.  = My reaction to every piece of Mayhem Miller-related news in the past two or so years.

6. It’s funny, I never recall hearing Dan Henderson‘s take on the whole Nashville brawl that effectively got MMA shitcanned from CBS. It only took four years to get, and go figure, it’s calm and completely reasonable. What is with that guy?

7. Perhaps the one positive we can take away from the Nashville brawl is that Gus Johnson was inadvertently backhanded by Jake Shields during it. #TheLittleThings

8. How quickly do you think Michael Bisping agreed to drop everything he was doing for the chance to take the piss out of Miller one more time? Five seconds? Fifteen?

9. “Diaz, everyone knows is crazy.” — Dominick Cruz, with perhaps the understatement of the century.

10. Wait, that’s Roy Jones Jr. narrating this thing? Why did they take so long to tell us that? And is that how he actually talks? Because I feel like I’m listening to Roy Jones Jr. impersonating Ice-T impersonating a bayou police officer.

11. We get our first shot of Mayhem, post-everything. He looks…good.

12. Seeing Nick Diaz smile is like seeing your Dad cry.

13. The stock photos being used in this segment could not be more amateurish, and the Microsoft PowerPoint manner in which they are being presented isn’t helping. I’m guessing Jay-Z couldn’t pony up the cash for a Getty Images account.

14. The dude Miller “smashed” that night? Tim “Moab” Stout. He’s 12-10, and fought just once after getting beaten by Miller on a few week’s notice. No, I do not know what a “Moab” is.

15. Apparently, Nick Diaz’s version of “jumping on” someone equates to throwing a waterbottle at their face backstage and then calling them fat. Miller would later partially adopt this strategy while coaching TUF 14.

16. Cut to: Footage of an absolutely gassed Mayhem drilling leg kicks, “You’re the Best Around” plays triumphantly in the background (not really, but it should be).

17. And now we get Miller’s “Don’t Be Scared Homie” interview. God I hope this is going somewhere soon.

18. Except that we all knew it wasn’t going anywhere, because Miller and Diaz have never actually fought, as Jones Jr. explains. Therefore, this is not a *real* rivalry. Therefore, this installment of STATIC has been a complete waste of everyone’s time.

-J. Jones

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