I grew up in a town that was and still is 99% Caucasian. For whatever reason, I used to tan incredibly easy when I was growing up, to the point that if I held the refrigerator door open for too long, my face would look like Enrique Iglesias’ ass. And because I was apparently one of the only people in town whose skin possessed melanin, I was often the butt of jokes involving milkmen sleeping with my mother, my ability to jump more than four inches off the ground, and so on and so forth. I’m not looking for sympathy, but suffice it to say, I’ve had to deal with more misguided racism in my day than the average white guy and often had no clue how to deal with it.

Which brings us to Pat Barry, who some of you might not know is half black. If that revelation shatters your entire perception of Barry as a human being, then you are likely the garbage-ass hooley hoo floor turd known as “Jake,” who recently sent the above message to Barry on Youtube. What starts off as a simple statement of newfound understanding quickly takes a left turn to Deliveranceville, ‘Murica when this “Jake” starts dropping racial slurs like they were his cousins underpants at the family kegger-orgy, all the while assessing Barry’s skills as a fighter in an effort to, I don’t know, maintain his credibility as an MMA fan? As if to say, “You BETTER BELIEVE that if I didn’t have all this hate inside my heart, I’d be hosting MMA Live.”

In either case, Barry actually chose to respond to the troll and more or less laid out a gameplan for how to deal with racism that combines equal parts CAPS LOCK HAL and Richard Pryor to hilarious effect.

Did anyone else picture Barry standing in front of Jake’s gene-deficient family while reading this off a note card?

“Cletus, you’re a needle-dicked diabetic and you crush your wife during sex. BOOM! Roasted.”

“Pearl, you smell like rancid mayonnaise and treat abortions like they were haircuts. BOOM! Roasted.”

And is it just me, or did the whole Barry/Jake exchange sound incredibly familiar? It’s almost as if I’ve heard it…somewhere…before…

Oh yeah, now it’s all coming back to me. No wonder why I only sleep with Asian women; it’s because I just care so damn much about the environment and stuff. CURSE THESE CONVICTIONS OF MINE!!

-J. Jones