(That’s a lot of suitcases for a dude who clearly only owns one set of clothing. PicProps: LifeSports.ru)

Oh, boy. We really only see three options here: Either a report out on Wednesday from the Russian language website LifeSports.ru lost something during its conversion to English, the following interview is a complete hoax or the people responsible for training the greatest heavyweight MMA fighter of all time are way, way, way, way, way crazier than we even thought. According to a translation provided by the good people at Fighters Only, Fedor Emelianenko coach Vladimir Voronov told LifeSports this week he thinks Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva used psychic mind control to claim victory last Saturday night in the opening round of the Strikeforce heavyweight grand prix. No, we are not fucking kidding you. Check it out:

“We believe that forbidden psychological technology was used …,” Voronov told the website. “It seems to us that not everything was right, and that certain technologies were used. Not ones that could be seen by the naked eye but psychological technologies that worked on both fighters at a distance … That is why during the fight Fedor was just not like himself. It seemed very strange behavior from Fedor. He stepped into the ring and did everything exactly the opposite of what we practiced before the fight. We were all shocked! Fedor had never previously done such a thing.”

You think that sounds insane? Brother, you haven’t even read the weirdest part yet …

According to Fighters Only: “Voronov also observed with suspicion the fact that Fedor seemed to look “a little depressed” while Silva “literally glowed from the overflowing of his energy.” Voronov suspects the use of a person or persons in the audience capable of “blocking energy” and “transferring energy from one person to another.”

We’re tempted to call bullshit on these quotes because … well … they just seem too crazy, even for Fedor’s people. Then again, these comments actually don’t seem too far removed from Rashad Evans’ claims that he heard Emelianenko was mentally unsettled by the absence of his personal priest leading up to the Bigfoot fight.

In our view, the scariest part here is not that these reports found their way to the public, but that the man we’ve all spent years lauding (even worshiping) as the greatest fighter in the history of our sport might actually believe this shit. Or at least surround himself with people who believe this shit. Of course, cast in this light a lot of things about Fedor’ career – the seclusion, the weird religious obsession, the fact that his handlers never want him to say much to the media – start to make more sense.

Give credit to LifeSports.ru, though. They didn’t just run with a one-source story on this crap. Oh no, they went and made it even weirder by interviewing an instructor at “Russia’s largest school of hypnosis” who said Voronov was right on the money.

“The human mind has enormous power of suggestion, it explains all sorts of curses, evil eye, etc.,” this guy Nicholas Zakharkin reportedly said. “Therefore, if a well-trained specialist is in the area of visual contact with Emelianenko, then he could convince him of anything and have any effect. If the hypnotist was set up and sat at a distance where he could meet eyes, he could make hypnotic influence without any big problem.”

Riiiiiight. So, there you have it. Case closed. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva def. Fedor Emelianenko via Doctor’s Stoppage (psychic mind control), round 2, 5:00.

Uh, we’re going to need the New Jersey Athletic Commission to step in and make a ruling on this …

Update: The spokeshipster tweets at MMA Fighting’s Mike Chiappetta: “It was a Voronov joke lost in the translation of a less than serious article .” Hmmm. Is it possible for an emoticon to laugh nervously and mumble, “Those guys so crazy. Is only funny joke, no?” before awkwardly drifting away at the first lull in conversation?