We might’ve been wrong.
Enter Yellow Bamboo, a martial art based on “Balinese White Magic” which promises to create “the necessary power within you to achieve whatever positive outcome you desire.”
In the case of the above video, the outcome most people desire is apparently being able to send legions of defrauded fools into spasms by posing and screaming as loud as you possibly can like you’re on Dragon Ball Z.
What’s even better is that these Jedi Knight-like powers can be yours, FREE! All you have to do is send the school an email and they’ll send you the download link. Fortunately for the Potato Nation, someone linked their training on YouTube. It’s as laughable as you might expect. There’s crazy, rice-related initiation ceremonies, holy water, singing, full moons, fasting, energy beams, and other insanity. This might be the most cult-like martial art we’ve ever seen.
(Fast forward to about 50 minutes in to see him do some pretty terrible katas, if you can even call them that. And these katas get BAT SHIT CRAZY around 1:20:00)
The best part of all this, though, is that some of these Yellow Bamboo guys were officially exposed in a real fight, not unlike the Finnish Ki master who was featured on CagePotato’s first-ever Martial Arts Fail. Check out these Yellow Bamboo scrubs getting choked out:
Of course, like with every bullshit martial art, there’s an in-built excuse. “Yellow Bamboo can only be used for good purpose,” the website says. “If one tries to use it for a bad purpose either nothing will happen or the magick [sic] will have a boomerang effect back on the sender.”
To clarify, it’ll work when you’re using it on other people who are spending money to learn it. It never works in competition though because that’s not a “pure” purpose.
So what do you say, Potato Nation? Are these jokers worse than Ashida Kim?
If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.