(“The Law” will sue you so fast your head will spin. Believe that.)

You can train to escape a triangle choke, and you can train to avoid taking serious damage when you’re mounted, but it’s hard to prepare for the first time your name is dragged through the mud in public. Northwest NewsChannel 8 reports that “The Law” — who’s currently running for a seat in Oregon’s House of Representatives — is threatening the campaign consultant of his opponent with a lawsuit, alleging that Elaine Franklin told several Republican leaders that Lindland was a convicted felon:

Oregon Right to Life Director Gayle Atteberry, told NewsChannel 8 that Franklin called her last month. She said Franklin asked her if she realized that Lindland had a felony on his record. Atteberry, who said ORTL endorses Lindland, couldn’t believe what she heard.

“I was upset by what (Franklin) told me, so I checked (Lindland’s) records and learned the truth [which] is that he didn’t have a felony.”

Lindland’s opponent, Phyllis Thiemann, distanced herself from Franklin’s dirty tactics in the most passive-aggressive way possible. An e-mail she sent to Lindland read:

“I am not aware of what Elaine Franklin may or may not have told others…Although I have a copy of your prior conviction, I have never intended to use it in my campaign and still do not.”

Except that conviction wasn’t for a felony at all, but for a Class 3 misdemeanor he received when he was working in the produce section of a grocery store when he was 19. Lindland was told to throw out loads of old produce, but kept about $30 dollars worth; he was caught, and was hit with 30 hours of community service, a year of probation, and a $20 fine. As Lindland, who has fully repaid his debt to society, explained:

“I thought, ‘this is a waste, I’ve got a lot of hungry wrestlers who’ll eat this stuff,’ but it wasn’t my produce to give away. It hasn’t been brought up and 19 years later, I run for office and Elaine Franklin decides to drag it out and turn it into a felony.”

Hero to the working man, much? Lindland claims that he’ll file a defamation lawsuit against Elaine Franklin if she doesn’t publicly go on the record that she knew Lindland wasn’t a convicted felon when she made her statements.

Matt, listen: You may think you’re tough because you fight in a cage, but these local politicians are a totally different breed. Rotten Vegetable-gate is just the beginning. They live to drag out the ol’ closet-skeletons. The public will forgive a little dumpster diving — but wait until this photo mysteriously surfaces just days before the election. “Wrestling,” huh?