Oh, “Mayhem” Miller. You so crazy. You manage to turn what would normally be a boring blog post about a bad haircut into a saga of misadventure. We can only imagine what it must be like to be you on a full-time basis.
Miller’s recent blog entry diverges into a blend of social commentary and possible mental illness when he wanders into a barber shop and begins battling it out with the voices in his head:
“This place looks legit.” I thought, in the way that schizophrenics hear in stereo. “It has a rotating pole, a cruddy sign with the owners name on it, and smells like chemicals,” the voice in my head then paused to let me enter. Inside was a cute black chick about my age and an older black dude, kinda pudgy and wearing fubu or something else unfashionable. The chocolate bunny mustve had something better to do, so she left the moment I looked like I was staying.
“Its an older black dude, and you want a short haircut, perfect, they always know how to hook it up” my brain said but then retorted “that’s fucking racist dude, you’re judging his haircutting on his skin tone- ‘haircut profiling’ if you will.” The voice came back again, “yes, yes I am but I am just drawing from my experience, and how many good short haircuts have we got from older black dudes, as compared to the child molester/Nicholas Cage looking guy on melrose?” Touche’ voice 1, touche’.
“Have a seat. I can take ya now.” Pudgey Older Black Man says, “What can I do for you?” in a tone that was nice enough. “Trim it up man. I want to get it faded down to the skin, maybe keep some of the top.” (For future installments of the strip of doom.) I guess I shouldn’t have said the word “skin” because that is all he heard and before I could look up I had half a bowl-cut. “Aw damn, man.. I, aw..”
You know, I never thought about it before, but Nicolas Cage does look an awful lot like a child molester. Well put, “Mayhem.”
Things only get worse from there, as Miller discovers that the barber has left two shocks of hair above his ears, making him look “like some strange peacock.” If there’s one area of “Mayhem” Miller’s life that I really wouldn’t want to mess with, it’s his hair. While it’s unclear what, exactly, he would consider to be a successful haircut, it seems he takes it pretty seriously. Perhaps that explains this exchange with the barber:
Me: “If you left this and I can see it, I can’t imagine what you missed that I can’t see.”
Pobm: “Naw, naw, you see look in the mirror, this here was done according to precision instruments.”
Me: “What does that even mean?”
Bopm: “Here I’ll fix it.”
As he removed the two feathers from the sides of my head, I looked down and realized my face my, my arms, my legs were all covered in hair.
“Enough already” my voices agreed.
Me: “Man, basically, this is the worst haircut I have ever had. I really don’t think I should have to pay for this.”
Bopm: “you know what? Its free”
*Tearing the smock off me*
Me “You know why?!*
*pointing at my butchered head*
“BECAUSE IT LOOOKS FREE!”
Just a day in the life of one of MMA’s most colorful characters. Tell me again why “Mayhem” doesn’t have his own reality show? In a perfect world it would be the lead-in for “209: Rollin’ with the Diaz Brothers,” on Spike TV, naturally.
(Props: Bloody Elbow)