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Fireworks and Fighters: A 4th of July Comparison Guide

By Jason Moles

We the people of, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Bans, insure comments section Tranquility, provide for the common noob, promote the general Lack of Welfare, and attempt to secure the Blessings of Dana to ourselves and our readers, do ordain and establish this Comparison of fighters and fireworks for the Potato Nation.

There are plenty of MMA fighters out there who love to bring the pyrotechnics to the cage, lighting up their opponents for the enjoyment of the fans and the pleasure of a paycheck. In honor of Independence Day weekend — and our new friends at Wild Turkey — here’s a list of actual 4th of July fireworks that remind us of some well-known scrappers. Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.

Snap-n-Pops (aka bang snaps, snappers, or whip’n pops): Corey Hill, Jason MacDonald Breaks a Leg at UFC 113″ href=”” target=”_blank”>Jason MacDonald, Razak Al-Hassan, Tim Sylvia

Call ‘em what you want, these small novelty fireworks are perfect for youngsters. You throw them against a wall, floor, or sleeping grandparent, and they make a satisfying POP! Cool, huh? It’s hard not to think of a ‘Snap-n-Pop’ and not think of these guys, whose limbs unfortunately made the same noises in their past fights.

Roman Candles: Clay Guida

Excitement. Power. Flash. Seemingly unending performance. Fun. Clay ‘The Carpenter’ Guida is more than your average firework. Hey may not blow up any doors but rest assured he’s always going to be a crowd favorite. No one has ever had a Roman Candle war or watched a Guida fight and not had the time of their life. For every colorful ball that is emitted from the candle, Guida whips his hair back and shoots in for a takedown. Regardless of what happens, they both just keep going until the final bell. When messing around with either, be careful; someone usually ends up a bloody mess.

Snakes: Jon Fitch

Much like those awful expanding snakes, Jon Fitch‘s fights are predictably dull, and when it’s all over you’re left feeling like you just wasted your money. They stay on the ground and do not emit sparks, flares, any form of projectiles, or any sound, but may induce sleeping. That should sound familiar to anybody who has endured the cruel and unusual punishment of a fifteen-minute, semi-clothed preview of War Machine‘s next film, also known as a Jon Fitch decision victory.

Does that say Brown Pride?

Tanks: Cain Velasquez

The UFC Heavyweight champion has much in common with the super elite tank fireworks. For instance, both are short, stocky, and pack a mean punch. Both prefer to end their wars decisively with a brutal finish. Moreover, neither is going to be steamrolled anytime soon. For the fans, there’s just nothing like seeing a complete beast like Brock Lesnar getting manhandled by the sturdy, stoic Velasquez.

Bottle Rockets: Shane Carwin

I’ll spare you from the incredibly lazy innuendo and instead offer up this little nugget; Shane Carwin’s best stuff lasts about as long as it takes for a bottle rocket to scream through the BBQ smoke, reach its apex, explode, and fall to the ground. Carwin always delivers in the first round but don’t expect much beyond that. Although the action is short-lived, the excitement and hype leading up to launch time is furious because we know something potentially incredible is going to happen.

Firecrackers: Jose Aldo

The Brazilian champion has shredded his opponents by going undefeated for nearly six years, leaving most of his opponents second-guessing why they even took the fight in the first place. Weighing only 145 lbs., this tiny explosive does severe damage to his opponents legs with his expertly placed kicks (*BANG BANG BANG*!) and jacks your face up with his crisp striking (*BANG BANG BANG*!). Just like the Black Cats pictured above, don’t let the size fool ya…one mistake can cost you dearly.

Sparklers: “Filthy” Tom Lawlor

I believe the phrase is “All Sizzle, No Steak.” Sure, his weigh-ins and entrances are flashy and entertaining, but the overall performances leave a little to be desired — kind of like the gas station sparklers your dad brought home when you were a kid. Still, it’s hard not to feel patriotic when watching them.

Catherine Wheel: Chael Sonnen

Legend has it that the firework got its name from an instrument of torture, the breaking wheel, on which St. Catherine was martyred. I’m not sure who that broad was or what that has to do with Chael Sonnen but I do know this: both are really, really good at going in circles, both literally and figuratively. Mr. Sonnen, as his PO calls him, and Ms. Wheel have that X factor that mesmerizes audiences leaving them wanting more. Despite their obvious limitations and shady past, you’d give your last dollar to see them one last time if the opportunity presented itself.

Smoke Bombs: Ben Askren

Ahh, the smoke bomb. You fail to do any actual harm, instead you’d much rather annoy the hell out of everyone in reach. Such a colorful little brat, full of spunk and enough sulfuric smoke to gag a dolphin. Similarly, Askren’s wrestling prowess envelops his hapless opponents causing them to retort to their high school wrestling knowledge — which by the way is weak sauce. Once you’ve been attacked by one of these bad boys you might as well give up any hope of impressing the ladies. C’mon, I mean look at the army dude above me. He just lost 10 bro points for being in the same picture as a purple haze. (That still beats getting dry humped for fifteen minutes by a white dude with a ‘fro though.)

Fountains: Diego ” The Vision” Sanchez

The Class 1.4G explosive is highly reminiscent of the very first Ultimate Fighter winner. I’m not suggesting that all Diego Sanchez is capable of is shouting as he cartwheels into the distance — that’s just one similarity among others. Of all the pyrotechnics one could legally obtain without being licensed by the ATF, fountains display the most heart. From the initial ear-piercing scream to the crackling sparks to the changing colors and shooting flares, they leave it all out there. Like Sanchez, they do everything they physically can to put on an unforgettable performance and make you get up out of your seat and cheer. Damn, they’d fly if only they had wings. The Vision may be mentioned in the same breath as the firework displays in Montreal, San Jose, or Honolulu but until then, we’ll gladly accept the fountain that is Sanchez and enjoy every breathtaking moment.

Cagepotato Comments

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jizzninja- July 2, 2011 at 7:48 am
i guess the guy in the pic link wont be finger banging lil miss rotten crotch anytime soon...actually it looks like my hand after finger blasting steampunks mom
smileab- July 1, 2011 at 11:35 pm
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thank you!!!
parchy mcthirst- July 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm
I liked the article...and I haven't said that all too often for the past several years. Then again, I've hardly posted for the last several years
for the love of mma- July 1, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Wow love how u trashed all the americans, the only thing thats more boring than watching jon fitch fight is watching GSP fight.
Jugger- July 1, 2011 at 11:21 am
Welp. I guess this bowl of banana pudding will have to go uneaten. That link was just wrong. WRONG! I tell you.
MMAposeur- July 1, 2011 at 10:52 am
"I was mesmerized by it, counting fingers – 4, BTW, and wondering what third world shit-hole hospital gets these injuries year round."

I think all 5 are there, just 3 don't have skin, muscle or tendon attached to them anymore, which I believe it's the index finger you're probably missing and it's obscured by the loose flaps and gore.

Oh, and it's Detroit, for your reference.
Shifty-Eyed Dog- July 1, 2011 at 10:00 am
AND..... we have a new champion for the "LAMEST ARTICLE EVER POSTED ON CAGE POTATO"
Payday- July 1, 2011 at 9:30 am
ccman FTW!

BTW - That linked pic is horrible. Just gave away all my good fireworks to the neighbor's 11 year old...I'll be sticking to sparklers and snap pops after seeing that...
The Fresh One- July 1, 2011 at 9:17 am
To the trained eye, snakes are among the best firework. The thinking man's firework. A true connoisseur's firework... I like Fitch.
ccman- July 1, 2011 at 9:06 am
Jake sheilds... the plain brown bag you bring them home in.
macreadysshack- July 1, 2011 at 8:54 am
Jesus, that linked pic under Aldo's bit is a horrible thing to look at. I was mesmerized by it, counting fingers - 4, BTW, and wondering what third world shit-hole hospital gets these injuries year round.
CrushCo- July 1, 2011 at 8:51 am
RwilsonR- Didn't know you were a poet, bruh.
RwilsonR- July 1, 2011 at 8:41 am
Gina Carano is like a good old fashioned traditional candle. Both can start off looking pretty, and there is a small flame there that attracts people to it. But ultimately, when that small flicker of a flame goes out, both are left as just an amorphous blob of used fat sitting where something attractive once stood.
mahoney00- July 1, 2011 at 8:29 am
Thank you danomite and knucklesamitch for making my day by including Joe Dirt references.
Barnaby Jones- July 1, 2011 at 8:28 am
It's not that fireworks don't get me off, oh they do. It's that this article was boring.
Fried Taco- July 1, 2011 at 8:20 am
Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.
Losing fingers is so last year. This year we're losing toes!
Viva Hate- July 1, 2011 at 8:19 am
And if we compare CP articles to fireworks this one was a dud, HA!
KeithHackneyWindmillPalmStrike- July 1, 2011 at 8:14 am
Don Frye = a stick of dynamite that blows your hand off and then bangs your mom
Shaky- July 1, 2011 at 8:13 am
I have been bored by Clay Guida many times. Against Pettis/Diaz/Danzig....
knucklesamitch- July 1, 2011 at 7:57 am
So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis? Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
MMAposeur- July 1, 2011 at 7:55 am
Was worth it for that gnarly "cost you dearly" pic link, under Aldo's entry.
MyDonkeyPunch- July 1, 2011 at 7:48 am
I thought it was a pretty entertaining article. And the smoke bomb looked like they sucked the fart right out of Barney the dinosaur.
CrushCo- July 1, 2011 at 7:39 am
Thanks to brave men like Jason, who are willing to write for what they believe in, you commenters have the freedom to attack his work. My Potato tis of thee...
PERPATRAITOR- July 1, 2011 at 7:36 am
Clay Guida is only exciting in defeat. He hugged his way past Diaz and Pettis. Not only boring but cunty....
danomite- July 1, 2011 at 7:36 am
You're gonna sit there and tell me you wrote an article about fireworks, and you didn't include no whistling bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, hoosker do's, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers (with or without the scooter stick), or one single whistling kitty chaser?