In our first installment of MMA in the Wild, we observed the fighting patterns of the HillBillyetica DipShiticus, a creature that used Facebook chicanery and a surprisingly diverse striking attack to display his dominance as alpha male of the porch-dwelling, slack-jawed humanoid tribe. In today’s installment, we will witness a beast of an entirely different nature (puns!), known henceforth as the Ninjitsu Ballisticus. Combining the hidden rage of the World of Warcraft freak out kid with the technical striking abilities of a young Cung Le, Ballisticus does not head into the wild seeking a fight, and will only resort to such primitive methods of solving a dispute when his back is against a wall.
But when his back is against the wall, prepare for hell, because he will hit you with such force that both a visible dust cloud will appear on impact and THE GUILE THEME SONG WILL BE EXPELLED FROM THE HEAVENS.
And just as quickly as he thrashes you to and fro like some kind of child’s play thing, he will declare that “He didn’t come to the river for this shit!” before vanishing back into the trees. The Ninjitsu Ballisticus, ladies and gentlemen.