MMA Sponsor of the Day: The Fleshlight
(Image courtesy of fleshlightfights.com)
If you spend as much time on the Internet as we do, you've probably come across the Fleshlight, a flashlight-shaped masturbatory device with a vagina-like opening at one end. It's the kind of thing that lonely men might use when normal jerking-off loses it's sense of mystery and romance. (See also: The Japanese Love Egg).
Aaaaaanyway, the self-proclaimed "#1 Selling Male Sex Toy in the World" is getting into the MMA game now, launching a site called fleshlightfights.com. If you go there, you'll see that they're sponsoring King of Kombat 7: Judgement Day, a 10-fight card featuring Ricco Rodriguez, Nick Gonzalez, and Cedric Marks. For $9.99, you can buy an interactive stream of the event on September 29th, that allows you to switch between five different camera angles. And if you order before the 22nd, you'll receive $10 in "Fleshbucks," which I guess can be redeemed towards a new Fleshlight, should you burn through your first one. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, eh? You're goddamned right it does. There's just one problem...
King of Kombat 7 already happened last weekend. Seriously. Rodriguez beat Justin Howard, Gonzalez beat Dustin Neace, Marks lost to Eric DaVila, etc. So to review, Fleshlight is selling an online stream of a random-ass regional card for ten bucks, to be broadcast a full month after it took place. The fact that this event already went down is mentioned nowhere on the site. Though in Fleshlight Fights' defense, they are promising "Lube Wrestling, presented live during intermission."
My first reaction is to say "caveat emptor," but I can't imagine anybody paying $9.99 to watch this show on their computer even if it actually was live, other than die-hard Fleshlight users who are just purchasing the event for the Fleshbucks. (Do the math, kiddies. Buying the event nets you a Fleshbuck profit of $0.01. You can't afford not to buy it.) And here's the ugliest part of this whole situation: Fleshlight actually made King of Kombat lightweight champ Nick Gonzalez film a promo for their grody product, in which he says that Fleshlight eliminates the hassle of getting to know women. "I just take care of myself and...see ya later, ladies." Wow, Nick, CAN I ROLL WITH YOU? Proof of Nick's eternal humiliation is below. Do with it what you will.
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Comments
Nut Puncher 9000 Says:
Suicide fuel right there.
google Says:
you have got to be fucking kidding? There's a guy who might have 1 to many child support payments to make. Who else would do a promo like that?
bpd Says:
Your move, Condom Depot.
J-Dog Says:
That's pretty epic right there. I'm all for the Fleshlight. I know someone who has one. His wife uses it on him when he's in the mood and she's not. It feels pretty good.. uh, I mean he told me it feels real good.... Aaaanyway.....
I don't know about the idea of having a masturbation toy promote an MMA fighting event.... the sport already gets enough flack from homophobes for being homo-erotic..... now lets give guys credit toward a jack-off device for watching a fight. Hmm....
Frank Mur Says:
An all new level of WTF just happened.
Dojima Says:
that must be one huge paycheck for a guy to say the Fleshlight is a replacement to banging real humans... i always thought masturbation should be the silver-lining in a big storm cloud of failed pick-ups, not a pot of flesh-colored gold at the beginning of a rainbow.
MMAExpertNewb Says:
Haha bpd! That comment cracked me up!
J-Dog Says:
Dojima for comment of the week!
BigCountrysChol... Says:
We've survived Joe Son's nutshots, McCain's attempts at banning the sport, Jose Canseco vs. HMC, and now the Iceman is ballroom dancing on network television and fighters are endorsing Fleshlights. I feel like I am taking crazy pills.
ON EDGE 24 7 Says:
I wouldnt pay 10 bucks to watch these choda's. Google, you should sign up, you might have a chance...
ArmFarmer Says:
I want to comment on this.. but I just don't know what to say.. I'm at a loss for words.
Jesus Frijoles Says:
Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir 3, brought to you by the good folks at Dildo Hut.
Check out the new products, The Cock Chestner, and the ever popular strap on.....The GROUND AND POUND.
Jesus Frijoles Says:
Additional sponsors, Hair spooge, for that greek queer boy look. Endorsed heartily by Frank Mir.
Closets by Lesnar.....quality closets, so nice you will never want to come out.
Jesus Frijoles Says:
The fleshlight, when hammer punches just aint gettin it anymore.
christ somebody stop me, so many one liners so little time.
PauloThiagoSilva Says:
I will never read the phrase "interactive stream" the same way again.
UFCSelect.com Says:
"I just take care of myself and...see ya later, ladies."??! LOL
google Says:
on edge,
As long as I have your mouth, no reason to invest in a fleshlight.
jimbonics Says:
Fucking Hilarious bpd.
cwr Says:
Haha BPD
Funny shit man. Comment of the week. Give this man an outdated shirt!
agentsmith Says:
Sign up Aaron Brink for this event NOW.
rokabee Says:
my adult softball team was named the fleshlights, after 3 weeks they made us change the name to the flashlights.
831 Son Says:
What the fuck, are you serious rokabee? That's pretty funny.
axhed Says:
if i order one, what are the chances it arrives before the lube wrestling starts?
Barc Says:
J-dog
Either your penis is your friend and his wife is your hand, or your friend lied to you. It seems to me that it'd be more work to use the toy than to just lay there and take it.
From an advertising standpoint, you're gonna get your product out to alot of 18-30 something lonely dudes, though. Perfect. Can't fault them for good ides, just bad implementation of those ideas.
Clyde Says:
No chance of people checking for greasing in this event...
Da Spied Her Says:
Wait-a-sec... nowhere does it say the sex of the lube wrestlers. I think I'm gonna pass on this one.
Cosmin Says:
I know- right?
Can you imagine if they were females? Gross.
WagePotato Says:
Time to go check out the ol' wall street journal.
EvilScott Says:
I was at these fights (had a couple of friends fighting, including Howard) and they were pretty good. Everyone was laughing about the Fleshlight stuff though.
What was kind of crappy is they told everyone (fighters, fans, etc) that they were going to give $5k from Fleshlight to the fighter(s) of the night. There were some real wars that night, everyone wanted that money.
However, they gave the $5k to Nick "No Ground Game" Gonzales who got beat up for half of a round on the mat before catching a lucky shot and having his opponent quit in-between rounds.
There were some awesome stoppages and 2 people were choked to sleep, but they just HAPPEN to give the money to Nick after a less-than-stellar outing? Hell, Ricco landed a head kick to finish Howard! And Nick who just HAPPENS to have filmed a promo for them gets the cash? WEAK!
Oh? And the icing on the cake? Nick missed weight. He weighed in once (overweight) then just said "I ain't cuttin' anymore".
Bob Loblaw Says:
"...when normal jerking-off loses it's sense of mystery and romance."
Nut Puncher 9000 Says:
Thu, 09/03/2009 - 15:03
"Suicide fuel right there."
and everyone else
best comment section ever
some classic shit, guys.
KillDozer Says:
CAPSLOCKHAL told me he uses "flashlight" on his boyfriend 831 Son when he asks HAL what is it like to do it with a lady.
True story.
Ed M Says:
The Japanese Love Egg!
Order now, and for the price of one, you'll get 11 more free! Shipped in a special unassuming styrophoam container.
Smitty Says:
@ KillDozer
You mean Fl"E"shlight.
831 Son Says:
Wow obviously we have queers on this site that like to make up homosexual fantasies about other people.. Kill yourself you worthless piece of shit.
KillDozer Says:
@Smitty
yeh, something like that.
And 831 Son, if you are looking for a gay match-making website, you are in the wrong place. Go look for your love partner somewhere else if HAL doesnt satisfy you no more.
831 Son Says:
You are the one bringing up gay scenarios loser. Think before you type retard, you just sound like an idiot.
KillDozer Says:
every single one of your comments on CP was extremely homosexual and everyone knows that you love the cock. I'm just stating the obvious.