(Image courtesy of fleshlightfights.com)
If you spend as much time on the Internet as we do, you’ve probably come across the Fleshlight, a flashlight-shaped masturbatory device with a vagina-like opening at one end. It’s the kind of thing that lonely men might use when normal jerking-off loses it’s sense of mystery and romance. (See also: The Japanese Love Egg).
Aaaaaanyway, the self-proclaimed "#1 Selling Male Sex Toy in the World" is getting into the MMA game now, launching a site called fleshlightfights.com. If you go there, you’ll see that they’re sponsoring King of Kombat 7: Judgement Day, a 10-fight card featuring Ricco Rodriguez, Nick Gonzalez, and Cedric Marks. For $9.99, you can buy an interactive stream of the event on September 29th, that allows you to switch between five different camera angles. And if you order before the 22nd, you’ll receive $10 in "Fleshbucks," which I guess can be redeemed towards a new Fleshlight, should you burn through your first one. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, eh? You’re goddamned right it does. There’s just one problem…
King of Kombat 7 already happened last weekend. Seriously. Rodriguez beat Justin Howard, Gonzalez beat Dustin Neace, Marks lost to Eric DaVila, etc. So to review, Fleshlight is selling an online stream of a random-ass regional card for ten bucks, to be broadcast a full month after it took place. The fact that this event already went down is mentioned nowhere on the site. Though in Fleshlight Fights’ defense, they are promising "Lube Wrestling, presented live during intermission."
My first reaction is to say "caveat emptor," but I can’t imagine anybody paying $9.99 to watch this show on their computer even if it actually was live, other than die-hard Fleshlight users who are just purchasing the event for the Fleshbucks. (Do the math, kiddies. Buying the event nets you a Fleshbuck profit of $0.01. You can’t afford not to buy it.) And here’s the ugliest part of this whole situation: Fleshlight actually made King of Kombat lightweight champ Nick Gonzalez film a promo for their grody product, in which he says that Fleshlight eliminates the hassle of getting to know women. "I just take care of myself and…see ya later, ladies." Wow, Nick, CAN I ROLL WITH YOU? Proof of Nick’s eternal humiliation is below. Do with it what you will.