By Jason Moles
As ESPN’s Bill Simmons tweeted, the UFC lost its network virginity to FOX and it was over in a matter of seconds – just like real life. Similarly, for most of you, there seemed to be that same awkward feeling afterwards where you’re not sure if should zip up and head home to catch Sports Center or if she expects you to spoon with her until the early morning light reveals what she looks like when you’re sober. Regardless of what decision is made you can be certain that from this moment forth, life will never be the same. Ever.
It’s done – over. You can’t change anything even if you wanted to, like what you screamed as the finish came about. This is probably in your best interest seeing as how you’ll need money if you want her to stay around, at least more money than you currently have. Women love when you shower them with tokens of your affection so you should really pay attention to this next part. So crack open that portfolio and let’s play another round of ‘Buy, Sell, Hold’ in the MMA Stock Market.
Junior dos Santos – Buy it like they’re giving it away for free.
“Cigano” defeated the previously unbeaten UFC heavyweight in one minute and four seconds to capture the belt – with a torn meniscus. With only sixty-four seconds to analyze, it is hard to point out anything we didn’t already know like getting hit by JDS may be hazardous to your health. Any way you want to slice it, it all turns out the same; dos Santos is here to stay.
Cain Velasquez – Buy
There will be more than a few rookie day traders dumping loads of “Brown Pride” after Cain’s performance Saturday night. Don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment, kid. Use rook’s weakness against him and buy all the ‘Shrexican‘ stock you can afford. Look, Velasquez didn’t go out and get man handled, out wrestled, or even out struck – he got caught. He will get another title shot, and judging from the competition, he’ll more than likely fight JDS again.
Clay Guida – Hold
One of the first rules they’ll teach you about investing is to keep emotions out of it. In other words, don’t buy Microsoft stock just because you have an Xbox 360 when you should be buying Lowe’s even if you couldn’t find a reciprocating saw to save your life. Pretty easy, right? As a fan of exciting fights, I can’t advise you to sell Guida’s stock even if he wears a crown that reads ‘Gatekeeper’. Although you shouldn’t sell, you shouldn’t spend any more money on him either. If you do, you run the risk of diminishing your ROI, which is the exact opposite you want. (Remember, your girlfriend expects a nice gift for Christmas) Hold the stock and let’s see if Clay Guide follows suit and cuts to the 145 lb. division like all the other fighters who couldn’t hack it at lightweight.
Benson Henderson - Buy
After his fight-of-the-night win over Clay Guida, Ben Henderson called out UFC lightweight champion Frankie Edgar. Well, sort of. While derailing Guida’s four-fight win streak, Bendo displayed the prowess and aggression that has me convinced he’s a destined to be crowned champion in Japan, should Edgar start out slow as he did in his
memorable fights against Gray Maynard. A little money spent now will ensure you pay off the Christmas debt you incurred after visiting her parents. Wait, you didn’t honestly think you’d get out of that one, did you?