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Move Over EliteXC, You’ll Soon Be Joined By Jared Shaw’s Rap Career

Damn, $kala. That tattoo is street.)

If you’re like me, you often sit and think about things like, Who’s the REAL Boss, Tony or Angela? I mean, sure Angela paid Tony to cook and clean her house, but she never really had the authority that Tony wielded. I don’t recall her ever reprimanding Sam once throughout the series, yet Tony always sent Jonathan to his room and gave him lectures about stuff like ditching school and getting into mischief with his friends. Sure, Angela would talk to Sam about puberty and boys, but she was more of a friend.

Besides the impossible "Who’s the Boss?" paradox, something I often wonder, and I’m sure you do too, is where I can get a sneak peek of Jared Shaw’s album?

I finally found our answer.

Judging by the tracks below,  Jared may have actually been better as an MMA analyst than he is an MC. Have a listen and you be the judge if he has skills, or if he’s likely to be hitting the unemployment line if and when his career goes kaboom.

My Main Girl

Well, it seems J-Shaw is a bit of a playboy with an appetite for sex, liquor, drugs and cheesy rhymes. 

Here’s a snippet of the Whitmanesque prose from the joint he’s hoping will be the club hit of the summer:

Please take a seat next to me,
I’ll show you how hot sex can be,
Take the door to one,
Now times that by three,
Maybe four, maybe more,
Undress you from head to toe,
Pour out a little vino,
Smoke a little weed though,
We in the moment, might as well be stoned,

Strike opponents out like Zito,
New Jack City, in my world, she’s Nino,
On the streets of Hollywood, she’s amused to the freakshow,
Moment like this can happen in an instant,
You’re resistant, but I’m persistent,
All highlights in your hair, gold-tinted,
Reasons to love, I can name a million,
Say hello, we start rappin’,
Hello to the minglin’, so long to the mackin’

Look out Jay-Z. There’s a new sheriff in town.

Heart on a Plate

Heart on a Plate is an introspective jam about why $kala is so unlucky in love. Could it be because you carry an accessory dog like Paris Hilton and spend more on shoes than you did on Seth Petruzelli? Just a guess.

Check out this little slice of poetic genius:

She spent hours alone now,
I’m out with the in crowd,
She don’t believe me when I text, “I’m home now,”
But she’ll be leavin’ before I’m seein’,
That destiny’s the reason for our meeting,
What’s the meaning?
Why can’t I seem to keep ‘em?
If this is love, I seem afraid to believe ‘em,
I just keep askin’ for the same reason,
If this is love, how could you leave me?
I’d drop a tear, but I can’t seem to cry,
My eyes shut down, my heart pounds inside,
I’m alive, I’m free, but I don’t feel like me,
Drinkin’ vodka straight with a blunt to the face,

If by, "blunt," you mean hammer,  I feel you, G.

Blinded by the Reign

Listening to these three tracks as well as the other four that he has up on his ReverbNation page, a pattern becomes evident" Jared is extremely depressed, smokes way too much weed and drinks too much. I guess he really did take Kimbo’s loss to Seth harder than everyone thought.

Take a look at these uplifting feel-good words from the 410′s newest rap sensation:

I can’t see the sunshine, sun don’t shine when I’m outside,
When I’m alone I cry, alone inside, alone I lay, alone I fly, alone I’ll die,
So cold to be alone that I know I’m a lonely guy,
Yeah, yeah, I remember the day, I remember it way back, 
You climbed in the back of my made back,
Drive it out front so we can lay back,
We exchanged rap over Kanye tracks,

Pretty sure Kanye would flip if he ever heard you say his name in one of your songs. You should be okay though, playboy. Ya feel me?


Cagepotato Comments

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cecils_pupils- April 22, 2010 at 8:54 am
And, lighten up Wiffa, it's not like you are defending CP nation ove on BE - I saw your weak ass comments. Let's share with CP nation what you are saying in bloodyelbow:

MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

"CagePotato may not break news, but it has a loyal fanbase (most of them are morons) including myself (a non-moron) and it brings levity to a sport that some take way too seriously sometimes."

"I read the articles there... barely ever read the comments section. Although there is a loyal group of Forum guys, all of which are knowledgeable and fun. Check out that part of the site and holler at me when you do."

Yeah, Wiffa, you are really holdin' it down over there on BE on behalf of CP nation. Sorry if the morons here are making you look bad. You can always just stop coming here if you don't like it. Let's see if you really do read the comments section... care to explain your behavior to CP nation? Explain to us how your opinion is so much more advanced than the rest of us morons.

And, BTW, Fuck Brent Brookhouse over at BE... that judgemental little fuckwad. Hey Brent, if "CP's behavior reflects [poorly] on bloodyelbow" then how about this: go fuck off Brent bitch! Bloodyelbow is for the fucks who are sooo stiff they can't take a joke. Like you Brent. Eat a dick. You too smoogy, you cunt.

MAD PROPS go to rickdiculous for this post to Brent on BE. He and I have had our diffrences in the past, but THIS is how you defend CP nation:

"[Brent] Youre such a little friggin crybaby sissy. Quit judging people for not acting like the sky is falling because of the fight. Honestly, youre milking it more than anyone with you’re schoolgirl disgust that people got in a fight. Change your tampon, have a beer and quit being so feminine."
cecils_pupils- April 22, 2010 at 12:33 am
And, BTW, justscrappin gets comment of the month right there... nice playa.
cecils_pupils- April 21, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Listen guys, you shouldn't be so pissy and getting all bitter at new guy Mike Harris... instead you really should see this post for what it is: satire at it's finest.

First, he just mentioned it to see what y'alls reaction was... he got a few bites. The mention of it in beginning of the Gus Johnson post ("the $kala update would have to wait...") was another nice drop.

Then, he went ahead and made a full-blown commentary of a few of his tracks to get a reaction from you... and you all fell for it. Hook. Line. Sinker. Reeled-in.

Props to you Mike for a well done lampoon on the Potato Nation. I must warn you though, such lampooning can backfire on you as you can tell some of the fellas are a bit more riled up. Their feelings are still a little raw from recent events. You might wanna take it easy for a bit... knowhattaimean?
Chri534.- April 21, 2010 at 6:37 pm
C'mon now. Nobody wants to hear and/or read about that shit. Clean up your game, 'new' guy.
SuckMyShinya- April 21, 2010 at 5:23 pm
I like the longer articles. I say good job Mike!
Mr_Misanthropy- April 21, 2010 at 2:53 pm
If Jared's scrawny beanpole ass couldn't handle the pain does that mean his belly tat says "THUGLI" or "HUGLIF"?

And I am sharing my pain- I couldn't even read that shit. Props to you brave men that were actually able to survive listening to it.
MyFightWiffaCheeto- April 21, 2010 at 2:53 pm

I've been defending you since Ben left saying, give dude sometime, it's been three days now etc.

How the fuck am I supposed to consciously defend you after a post about Jared "$kala" Shaw's fucking shit music? You have me having to side with fucking Sheps in the message boards and that pansy Brent Brookhouse over at BloodyElbow. Yeah I'm defending CP over on other sites that are dismissing this site.

I'm a CP loyalist because of the levity that is interspersed within real MMA news. This isn't MMA news. This is going to start making Goldberg wonder why he hired you while Fowlkes laughs his ass off over on MMAFighting while a couple of us start going over there to read his insightful yet still humorous posts.

Again, I'm a loyalist and I'm going to keep defending you Mr. Mike Russell, but bring something to the plate other than some average photoshops and pointless barely MMA stories. If your goal was to stir the pot and get CP talked about, Mission Accomplished.
Mr_Misanthropy- April 21, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Alright goddammit- you should have preceded the reprinting of that hideous "street poetry" with some form of warning. I injured my eyes and had a severe pulsating spasm in my frontal lobe, not unlike it was being stabbed with a hot icepick, and sat shuddering and repulsed for several minutes before I was able to regain motor functions. It had an effect similar to a flash-bang grenade commonly used by police forces to quell riotous crowds. You owe me an apology, and I hope Jared Shaw gets hit in the face with a city bus.
robthom- April 21, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Rap Supremacy =
CanadianGreaser- April 21, 2010 at 2:06 pm
I have to go Ebonics on this one... This nigga is whack, son.
snackin_retard_ sandwiches- April 21, 2010 at 1:59 pm
If ur a girl I want to do you, if not wanna just get drunk and turn off the lights....anyways funny shit
Lex Luthor- April 21, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Oh and pull up your pants for gods sakes Jared.
Lex Luthor- April 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm
+2 justscrappin

I like to laugh and just looking at the wanna be thug pose by $kala (what a stupid name), just cracks me up.

He reminds me of the time when Carleton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air tried to be all street to impress Will...classic.

robthom- April 21, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Wow, thats some of the worst rap music I've ever heard.

Not just $kala, the backing tracks and everything.

Its a complete package.

If that doesn't garner him a grammy then I suspect the grammy voting committee is just being arbitrary.

BTW: looks like Alan Belcher is somebodies idol.
ReX13- April 21, 2010 at 1:01 pm
justscrappin>> +1
justscrappin- April 21, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I can't believe you guys. Don't you see $kala is hurting? You judgmental, insensitive pricks! You don't realize how it is...when you grow up spoiled beyond belief..getting everything you want and thinking the world is your oyster. Only to grow up..and realize you have no true friends...and everyone just hung out with you cuz of your daddy's money. He has the balls to put it all out there...for the whole world to see his problems and inadequacies.
The truth guys are just projecting your feelings. You see alot of yourselves in $kala....and it scares you. I think your also a little afraid to open up like $kala has in his raps. I'm telling you should take the plunge. It will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Go ahead..tell us about all the pain...the pain caused from countless attempts to get those hoes to ride in the back of your no avail. Talk about how you didnt have enough money to finish the " THUGLIFE" tattoo on your belly. if that doesn't make you feel better...I'm always here to give you little bitches a hug. It has to be one of those..handshake, lean-in...shoulder touching..pat on the back gangsta hugs though...cuz I ain't ghey like the rest of you homos.

p.s. Don't complain about the shitty article....would you rather have something to pass the time at your monotonous...soul raping job...or nothing at all?

surfjafo- April 21, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Ok, yesterday I gave you props for the whole GJ, its almost like you're selling Skala like he's relevant in MMA (not that he was even when he was involved).

Leave the bashing to the threaders and do a piece thats more why Kimbo and Mitrione will be huge for only one of their careers, yet they both will be on the unemployment line within the year.
ccman- April 21, 2010 at 12:10 pm
I think he stole (sorry sampled) from shakespear and I'm pretty sure the second verse is from oliver twist so I expect a cease and disist order any second.

If good taste doesn't block it first of course.
Durden- April 21, 2010 at 12:06 pm

El Guapo- April 21, 2010 at 11:26 am
"Don't hate, you haters who hate"

I'm kidding, relax. On a serious note, why the hell are some people acting like CP never had shitty articles before? If they hadn't announced the change-a-rooski you guys wouldn't have known the difference, nawmean..
DazedNConfused- April 21, 2010 at 11:24 am
lol @ fallingevolution.

Your names pretty ironic, since it's pretty obvious your trying to sound funny, but somethings holding you back. I don't know if it's the down syndrome, or whatever. I mean I'm not a doctor. But I know one thing, Mike Russel has make a good transition into Cagepotato. Honestly I can't even tell the difference. Cagepotato is still the shizneeeiiit and my #1 place for mma news. If the news day is slow, I enjoy a little satire. Especially if it's about little bitches like Jared Shaw.
C-Bus Allstar- April 21, 2010 at 11:20 am
Well said Nut-Puncher 9000.

It's douchebags like failingevolution (obviously Evolution skipped this guy altogether) that make the internet the shit-hole cess-pool that it is..
wifey- April 21, 2010 at 11:16 am
Thanks a lot CP.

I can't get $kala out of my head, and not in a good way. My husband wanted a nooner today and the words "Please take a seat next to me, I’ll show you how hot sex can be" kept running through my head. ((shudders violently))

I'm gonna have to get drunk to forget that.
Barc- April 21, 2010 at 11:14 am
Just got the word. Flowbee Presents: $kala and Vanilla Ice "Jive it Like it's Rented" tour. Coming to a bowling alley near you!
Clyde- April 21, 2010 at 11:09 am
Wow, it makes Ill street blues sound like John Barnes verse from world in motion. Oh, wait. The other way around.

Also, Guru's dead? Why did this not make the news in Britain? lady gaga takes a shit and we hear about the consistency of it but Guru dies and no one bats an eyelid? Bastards.

Anyway, burn in hell $kala, I'm going to put on some Gangstarr and try to forget that you ever raped my eardrums with this garbage.