My God, This MMA Romance Novel
Perhaps this is a sign that MMA has truly hit the mainstream, although it's enough to make you wish it hadn't. Lori Foster is a best-selling romance novelist who is apparently also a huge MMA fan. I guess it only makes sense that she would blend these two passions in her new novel My Man, Michael. But wait, it gets better. And by better I mean worse. Just check out this plot synopsis:
Michael thinks an injury will keep him from fighting again until a woman shows up and promises to heal him. But, he must travel with her and teach a community of woman warriors to fight in return. Imagine Michael’s surprise when she fulfills her end of the bargain and finds that, to fulfill his he must travel into the future!
Oh, good. A romance novel about MMA that also includes time travel. Nothing like a little half-assed science fiction to go with your clichéd plotlines and completely absurd dialogue. What’s not to love?
I don’t point this book out to bash Lori Foster or the romance novel genre in general, since doing so is like pointing out the stupidity of romantic comedies. Everyone knows they’re terrible, but they sell, so they’re allowed to continue. Instead, I point it out as a way of asking, why can’t we get a real MMA novel, the way there used to be real, awesome boxing novels, like The Professional and The Knockout Artist? Instead we get shit like this. Here’s an excerpt from the first chapter, just to piss you off:
In the last four years, he’d made a strong name for himself in the SBC [Supreme Battle Championships]. At twenty-six, he was considered a major contender in two weight classes, and one of the most feared competitors in the sport. In another month, he would have fought – and won – the title belt.
His hands fisted. His jaw flexed and tightened.
Seriously? His hands “fisted?” I don’t know about Lori Foster, but the only way I'm aware of to use the word fisted as a verb involves an adventurous second party. As you can probably tell, the story is about an MMA fighter injured in a car accident who is laid up in the hospital just as his career is taking off.
Of course, that's the point where the beautiful stranger with “soul-sucking eyes, and a mouth made of sin” appears in his room and says shit like: “You mope for no reason, sir. A warrior, no matter the condition of his limbs, remains a warrior for all of his life.”
That’s it, I’m writing an MMA novel, just to counteract stuff like this. Matter of fact, we should all write MMA novels. Perhaps a new Cage Potato contest is even in order. I don’t know. But I do know that If Lori Foster can use canned terms like “mouth made of sin,” (which I assume came right out of a manual on writing romance novels) and be a best-seller, we’re all missing a great opportunity to turn our MMA knowledge into (very small) piles of cash.
Get cracking, Potato Nation. I will be. And you can rest assured that when the term “fisted” appears in my MMA novel, it will be in the context of an after-fight party at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. And no, C.B. Dollaway won't be there. Maybe in your fictive world, but not mine.
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Comments
nicey Says:
double yoo tee ef??
rokabee Says:
Hells yes! I love Lori Foster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait to not read that!
armfarmer Says:
"double yoo tee ef??"
I second that...
LoneWolf Says:
WTF!!
Jim Says:
Seriously, make no mistake: there's money in romance novels. Lori Foster could probably make a life-sized Ben(s) voodoo doll out of cash, light it on fire, and not feel the effects in her bank account. In fact, if you feel really warm right now, there's a chance she did. Right before she went to deposit another massive royalties check.
It's not like it would be that hard to make a really good MMA novel, either. Guys get called up *all the time* to fight someone big on short notice. Here's your plot: guy is poor and has a family to feed, he's working full-time and training as much as he can and fighting for peanuts on the indy circuit. He gets two weeks to train for a fight against some contender in a major org before the actual fight. His wife is freaking out and one of his kids gets sick or something, so he's a bit distracted and the weight cut ends up taking a lot out of him. So he's fighting and he's outclassed and gassing and in the third round he's desperate for a stoppage because he's lost the first two rounds. There's drama, action, love, family -- all the shit that makes MMA so fucking awesome.
Get cracking, Bens. Shouldn't take you too long to write this. Hell, you probably can think of five to ten real-life examples to pull from right off the top of your head.
RyanHobbs Says:
hahahaha this entire article made me laugh
Anonymous Says:
Its like the Family Guy manatees came up with this idea: MMA, Romance Novel, Time Travel.
(If you are unfamilar with the Family Guy manatees, go to southparkstudios.com and watch the Family Guy episode immediately)
armfarmer Says:
Jim's got the right idea. Fuck never back down and woman training time traveling romantic fighters. Take what Jim just wrote, get a good writer, director, and a few decent actors, and you have an mma movie/book that won't get made fun of by every real mma fan.
mayhem420 Says:
I dont know whats worse. The fact the this book is real and can be bought ....
or the fact the Ben reads best-selling romance novels.
I can see it now...
Music is low... lights are dimmed... candles burn in the background...
there you have Ben... laying in the tub with his new My Man, Michael book and a bottle of hand soap... or maybe a bottle of Mr. Bubbles...
illwill Says:
You think this is bad...try Tito Ortiz's book. I skimmed a few chapters at the library and nearly forgot how to read.
CJ Says:
Lol. Women doing anything makes me laugh.
Kadumel Says:
Yeah Armfarmer, sounds like a winning idea. Because so many people that surf these forums are avid readers / book buyers... Sounds like a plan, at least the book won't get made fun of on these sites...
B Says:
Usually with books I'm just tldr. Picked this one up, gave it a shot; instant classic. Fuck Victory Belt.
An excerpt:
"I unbuttoned her blouse only to be hit with a barrage of supple breasts. WHOA! Right on the button! I was rocked. No matter, I recomposed myself and continued my assault."
Kadumel Says:
ROFL @ CJ Priceless Comment. COTW!!!
mayhem420 Says:
@Jim...
Good idea but that sounds like a movie that was made already... just a diffrent sports... what could it be.... oh yea Rocky.
Jay Says:
Dear Cagepotato,
I never thought this could happen to me................
Kadumel Says:
And Jim, on your book idea, there is only one problem. You would probably have to pay Sylvester Stallone for using the Rambo plot almost to the T... Or just go watch it...
B+A Says:
haha, this reminds me of MMA Erotica from the MMA Sunday School.
Kadumel Says:
Mayhem, JINX
armfarmer Says:
"Yeah Armfarmer, sounds like a winning idea. Because so many people that surf these forums are avid readers / book buyers... Sounds like a plan, at least the book won't get made fun of on these sites..."
So make it a movie
bpd Says:
Get a load of that pull quote. What do you suppose the context was?
"Lori Foster, a woman once known for her funny, sexy writing, has positioned herself as the laughing stock of the prose publishing world with her new time-traveling cage fighter romance novel, the first in a series of twelve."
-Booklist
Jim Says:
@mayhem420:
Honestly, do you really think that Hollywood has any expectations of original plots these days? =) I mean, we changed four things: it's MMA instead of boxing, he's not fighting a champ, he has kids, and he's young! That's totally enough to avoid getting sued.
But my point was that it's not hard to come up with a compelling storyline for MMA -- they're right there in the sport. Sure that's like Rocky, but it's also realistic. You could find a fighter who did that and "base it off a true story." The writer doesn't have to bastardize the sport in the slightest to come up with a good story that appeals to both hardcore fans and casual moviegoers who might actually try to pronounce MMA like it was a word and not initials.
If you and I can shit this out in five minutes on an internet forum, there's gotta be a professional writer who can do this for real.
Stevia Addict Says:
I am adapting the screenplay tonight and sending it off to Huerta's people.
LBo Says:
I have a feeling if I read this book I wouldn't be able to watch anyone "roughly get put into guard" without associating entirely the wrong things.
gameover Says:
...spanking a child only turns him into a snot
Senor Tampon Says:
@JIM
just stop!
NECROPHYTE Says:
"My Man Tito"
A romantic novel about an adult film actress who adopts a Gigantic head with tiny legs and mongoloid-like commentating and interviewing skills. She gets fuct and pregnant and eats the baby. The End.
WANG CHUNG FIGHTER Says:
Michael turns out to be the father of the woman that heals him. Ha! Wouldn't that be a fun ending...
WANG CHUNG FIGHTER Says:
See, I can do this shit too.
mayhem420 Says:
@Jim
I agree that its not like Hollywood has all these original ideas... everything now adays is a re-make or re-boot of an original...
Just look at some of the past movies that came out over the last 3 years.
Look at next month... how many times has THAT movie been done? Hint... it comes out Firday the 13th.
I just think that if your going to do a movie or a book about a fighter... lets do something other than the broke, small show fighter with a family and issues about life and his struggles... do one about a TOP guy who is on a losing streak and is now questioning if he is still relevent in the game. He now cannot keep up anymore but what does he do with the rest of his life? Did he go to school before fighting? Does he have any issues... drugs, bad relationships, deppression...
Dealing with not being the top dog anymore... being abandoned by his "friends".
I think that would be better than the old stand by that you went over.
lilpo0ts Says:
tyler gnashed his teeth, and changed levels as the right straight grazed his moist and plump left caulliflower ear. he knew at that point the old man was right, "the space time continuum must be navigated with weird looking doodads on the sides of your ear". he dropped to one knee and rested his face on the cup of the "brawler". tightly embracing his opponents left leg, he hoisted him onto his shoulder. thinking to himself contemptually, --it does not matter what they think, i know the time is now-- he kicked open the octagon cage and with one check of his opponents oil and a loving smack on the ass he evaporated into the fabric of time...
i can has best sellers?!
WarpedAcorn Says:
Well...looks like its time to find a new fighting sport. XARM hoooooooooooo!
armfarmer Says:
Necrophyte
"My Man Tito"
A romantic novel about an adult film actress who adopts a Gigantic head with tiny legs and mongoloid-like commentating and interviewing skills. She gets fuct and pregnant and eats the baby. The End.
I think the following quote would fit the context of necrophytes story a little better than this ladies...
"His hands fisted. His jaw flexed and tightened."
agentsmith Says:
I presume in this context "full mount" will involve alot more titty-fucking than normal.
Pac-Man Says:
Leaky Lori
A romance novel By Pac-Man
Chapter I
Lori's life was about to change gears. Spending nights alone with her eager beaver and a box of UFC tapes were becoming a thing of the past...
Lori sat on her couch, draped over her was one of those stupid throws that are just a little too small too actually be used as a blanket. Her phone vibrated on her lap. She closed her eyes and imagined a hard-bodied fighter thrusting himself on top of her while letting her phone vibrate a few extra times before answering it.
"Hello?"
"Lori, it's your agent. The pre-orders for My Man Michael reached 10,000 copies already! Oprah wants you to call her people to set up an interview on her book club show, apparently you're not the only fat cow who fantasizes about being railed by a fighter."
"That's great, can I call you back though? I'm kinda in the middle of eating this pint of Ben and Jerry's."
"Yeah, sure. See, I told you that hopping on this MMA marketing bandwagon was a good idea. See, that's why I'm the agent you can TRUST. Check is in the mail Lori. Ciao"
"*Belch* Goodbye."
He's an obnoxious prick, but damn it, he was right, She thought. Exploiting the momentum this sport was gaining was much easier than developing an original plot or creating colorful characters.
Her thought was interrupted by a pair of shoes on the Home Shopping Network on her T.V.
"Those are sooooo cute, if they don't fill the void left by a decade of one-night stands, cosmopolitans, and failed romances due to my ridiculous standards on how men should treat me like royalty, then nothing will."
She held down the number five on her phone, speed-dial for Home Shopping network, right in between speed-dial four and six, "Yueng Ho's Chinese" and "BFF", respectively. Her "BFF" was Ashley, a great freind to Lori, as Ashley was larger and not-as-good looking as Lori, therefor making Lori the more attractive one by comparison. What more could a girl want out of a BFF?
Biohazardone Says:
illwill......Hilarious
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
OH MA!
"lilpo0ts", you got me laughing my ass off!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK WINNER!
lilpo0ts: "Can I has T-shirt?"
Old, Bald and Irish Says:
OH SNAP!
"Pac-Man" wins too!
Where is all this genius coming from?
aj Says:
I want to fight in the Supreme Battle Championships.
Anonymous Says:
LOL Awesone post Pac-Man, made my day
gesus Says:
hahahahaaha @ CJ's comment
Dave Says:
She fucked up. This obviously should have been titled thusly:
My
Man
Andy
FilmDrunk Says:
Whoa, someone else has read The Knockout Artist? Solid.
Surfin Dave Says:
Lori originally was going to call it "My Man Frank" but the UFC lawyers stopped her, so she had to change the main character and a few of the facts to fictionalize the account. Yes, that's right, it's actually the story of "Frank Mir".
Anonymous Says:
Surfin Dave - In the future, if you feel you have to explain the punchline, usually that means the joke wasn't formulated that well.
Kadumel Says:
ditto
Surfin Dave Says:
Sorry brave Anonymous guy, but I just wanted to make sure TUF Guy understood it.
Daddy Doug Says:
she must of gotten her dialog from Tito Ortiz's book on commentating.
Aric Davis Says:
I'm about a hundred pages into writing an MMA-based novel but it's on hold until I finish some other stuff.
Seriously.
Kadumel Says:
@Aric...
I am about 100 pages into this novel... You should read it for inspiration, it is really, really good. The way she ties the love story into the fighting / time travel is simply amazing...