MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

My God, This MMA Romance Novel

Perhaps this is a sign that MMA has truly hit the mainstream, although it’s enough to make you wish it hadn’t.  Lori Foster is a best-selling romance novelist who is apparently also a huge MMA fan.  I guess it only makes sense that she would blend these two passions in her new novel My Man, Michael.  But wait, it gets better.  And by better I mean worse.  Just check out this plot synopsis:

Michael thinks an injury will keep him from fighting again until a woman shows up and promises to heal him. But, he must travel with her and teach a community of woman warriors to fight in return.  Imagine Michael’s surprise when she fulfills her end of the bargain and finds that, to fulfill his he must travel into the future!

Oh, good.  A romance novel about MMA that also includes time travel.  Nothing like a little half-assed science fiction to go with your clichéd plotlines and completely absurd dialogue.  What’s not to love?

I don’t point this book out to bash Lori Foster or the romance novel genre in general, since doing so is like pointing out the stupidity of romantic comedies.  Everyone knows they’re terrible, but they sell, so they’re allowed to continue.  Instead, I point it out as a way of asking, why can’t we get a real MMA novel, the way there used to be real, awesome boxing novels, like The Professional and The Knockout Artist?  Instead we get shit like this.  Here’s an excerpt from the first chapter, just to piss you off:



In the last four years, he’d made a strong name for himself in the SBC [Supreme Battle Championships]. At twenty-six, he was considered a major contender in two weight classes, and one of the most feared competitors in the sport. In another month, he would have fought – and won – the title belt.
His hands fisted. His jaw flexed and tightened.

Seriously?  His hands “fisted?”  I don’t know about Lori Foster, but the only way I’m aware of to use the word fisted as a verb involves an adventurous second party.  As you can probably tell, the story is about an MMA fighter injured in a car accident who is laid up in the hospital just as his career is taking off.

Of course, that’s the point where the beautiful stranger with “soul-sucking eyes, and a mouth made of sin” appears in his room and says shit like: “You mope for no reason, sir. A warrior, no matter the condition of his limbs, remains a warrior for all of his life.”

That’s it, I’m writing an MMA novel, just to counteract stuff like this.  Matter of fact, we should all write MMA novels.  Perhaps a new Cage Potato contest is even in order.  I don’t know.  But I do know that If Lori Foster can use canned terms like “mouth made of sin,” (which I assume came right out of a manual on writing romance novels) and be a best-seller, we’re all missing a great opportunity to turn our MMA knowledge into (very small) piles of cash.

Get cracking, Potato Nation.  I will be.  And you can rest assured that when the term “fisted” appears in my MMA novel, it will be in the context of an after-fight party at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone.  And no, C.B. Dollaway won’t be there.  Maybe in your fictive world, but not mine.

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Jimmy- February 1, 2009 at 2:41 am
One would guess that with romance novels, like MMA, there are quality practitioners as well as those who lack skill; lots of shitty writers, lots of shitty fighters. And, like MMA, to people who are not familiar with the craft, all of it will look ridiculous. The arrogance and contempt shown in this article for a genre that makes up some 40% of all fiction sales is rather appalling and really, pretty ridiculous. As if MMA is somehow an intellectual bastion of high culture?

Certainly the author can step of the MMA world long enough to see that most people don't know the difference between brazilian ju jitsu and muay thai and, more importantly, couldn't possibly care. Then again, perhaps it's unreasonable to expect the author to have any insight into a genre largely written by women, for women, when he's writing for an openly misogynist website that declares, "tapping out is for bitches". Pathetic.
Pac-Man- January 29, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Ef'n Hilarious Jameson. This calls for a shot of, well, Jameson... Duh. Someone should give you a column, I for one, would read it.
skates- January 29, 2009 at 10:20 am
lulz
Anonymous- January 29, 2009 at 2:49 am
good god you are a funny ass writer... i love reading your posts
Jameson- January 29, 2009 at 1:21 am
I read this and lament the fact that I am not published. She said in that excerpt that the dude is going to fight the title and win. Not for the title, fight the title. She couldn't just say "with clenched fists." The guy had to be fisting his hands. Shit sounds dirty, dunnit?

You know what, Lori Foster? You run a good business. You exploit lonely middle aged women, that's cool. The View does it, plastic surgeons do it, televangelists do it (when they're not blazing meth crystals with a gay prostitute), Richard Simmons did it, and I'm sure that Billy Dee Williams did it.

Shit on MMA, too. Fuck it, shit all over MMA, people shit on MMA all the time. That isn't the problem, the issue here is your writing. It sucks so bad that--I---I--I just want to sit on top of you and punch you with my fisted hands.

Fuck you, I'm writing "A Tale of Two Countries: The Ologun Story"

Domino, motherfuckers.
Kuato- January 29, 2009 at 12:55 am
Genius post, Semi-Trained.
Aaron- January 28, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I'm so wet right now
KTFO- January 28, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I've got a great idea for an MMA novel. Here's a brief synopsis: A young tough raised on the tough streets of Philly finds work as an enforcer for the mob while he trains part-time at a run down hole in the wall gym and coached by a crotchety old fart that insists on degrading him, often referring to him as a bum. The world champ in an attempt to raise intrest in his sport decides to give an "average Joe" a shot at the title, where our main character fights a grueling war to the finish losing by decision.

I also have several sequal ideas, one involves a guy with a mowhawk, one with a Russian etc........
Semi-Trained- January 28, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Dammit--this book comes out just when I'd nearly finished my own story--a bold and lusty tale about a young girl and her pet octopus--no wait, that one's being published--I say, a tale about a malfunctioning MMA-fighting combat-android (call him 'AlexAnder') who falls in love with a hot-pants-wearing-ring-girl-with-a-heart-of-gold. In this scene, she discovers the astonishing depth of her desire for this muscular gladiator--and his deep dark secret [SPOILER ALERT!]: that he is an android, not a man, and that instead of the traditional four-chambered heart he has a malfunctioning gyroscope which goes on the blink whenever he is tilted excessively...

From Chapter IIXXXVVI...

"...moving quickly now, her breath coming in short, stark gasps, she returned his kiss fiercely, pushing him onto his back with surprising ease. Panting, breasts out-thrust, she postured up, positioning herself atop him between his steely legs...which, her fevered mind suddenly registered, were now wavering strangely skyward. His dark arms, which, countless times she had seen shoot out with grace and discipline, and had been gripping her strongly just moments before, were now wheeling aimlessly, as were his dark and smoky eyes. Her desire, one instant wild and needy, quickly turned to something quiet, questioning, as she saw the last thing she expected in her man--vulnerability. She leaned back; need, confusion, concern cascading across her flawless face. Something so right! Yet she WOULD ask--she HAD to.

"Houston" she intoned softly, using his given name and looking earnestly into his still-pinwheeling eyes, "Do we have a problem?"

Anyway...no frickin' market for this now...

P.S. Oh--the ending is bittersweet. AlexAndroid/Ander's heart-gyroscope cannot be fixed without a time machine; on the upside, his heart-of-gold ring girl's love is so strong and so pure that she agrees to stand and bang.
the glza- January 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm
funniest thread ever -- thank you pac-man, stevia addict, armfarmer and lilpo0ts -- freakin hilarious.
Kuato- January 28, 2009 at 7:16 pm
This is actually pretty realistic, because on Saturday GSP is going to hit BJ so hard he'll not only put him in the hospital, but also send him hurtling through time and into the future.
Aric Davis- January 28, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Not really my type of book.
dude guy- January 28, 2009 at 4:56 pm
reminds me of the fast and furious movies. by taking a popular activity that you dont fully understand and adding a stupid plot that doesn't make any sense and trying to sell it.
Crittino- January 28, 2009 at 4:46 pm
The book is really better than you think. Fedor comes in at the end and kills Michael and the community of "warrior women" including the healer
Anonymous- January 28, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I really like the analysis of this esp the last 4 lines, hawaiin tropic zone...hilarious....is it pathetic we've all memorized the best and worst victory speeches?
Notnonymous- January 28, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I seriously cried laughing at this one. Funniest CP article I've ever read!
Kadumel- January 28, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@Aric...

I am about 100 pages into this novel... You should read it for inspiration, it is really, really good. The way she ties the love story into the fighting / time travel is simply amazing...
Aric Davis- January 28, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I'm about a hundred pages into writing an MMA-based novel but it's on hold until I finish some other stuff.

Seriously.
Daddy Doug- January 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm
she must of gotten her dialog from Tito Ortiz's book on commentating.
Surfin Dave- January 28, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Sorry brave Anonymous guy, but I just wanted to make sure TUF Guy understood it.
Surfin Dave- January 28, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Lori originally was going to call it "My Man Frank" but the UFC lawyers stopped her, so she had to change the main character and a few of the facts to fictionalize the account. Yes, that's right, it's actually the story of "Frank Mir".
Kadumel- January 28, 2009 at 1:13 pm
ditto
Anonymous- January 28, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Surfin Dave - In the future, if you feel you have to explain the punchline, usually that means the joke wasn't formulated that well.
Dave- January 28, 2009 at 12:55 pm
She fucked up. This obviously should have been titled thusly:

My
Man
Andy
FilmDrunk- January 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Whoa, someone else has read The Knockout Artist? Solid.
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