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Nick Diaz Is Reportedly Starting His Own MMA Promotion, God Help Us

(We’ll see if Dana’s still laughing when STOCKTON FC swallows up the entire industry. / Photo via

According to a commonly misused F. Scott Fitzgerald quote, there are no second-acts in American lives. But for years, MMA fighters have proven that adage wrong. Tito Ortiz transitioned from a Hall of Fame-worthy career in the Octagon to his current standing as the most effective and eloquent fighter-manager in MMA. Rampage Jackson went into the rap game after leaving the UFC, and now his latest album — Hump Musik — has gone quintuple-platinum. And legendary two-division UFC champ Randy Couture devoted himself to acting following his MMA career, making history as the first man to win Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor (for his cauliflower ear) in the same film.

I kid, because I love. The truth is, finding a new path after a successful career as a fighter can be very difficult. Not everybody can put their name on a goddamned grill and sit on Easy Street for the rest of their life. So when we tell you that Nick Diaz might be launching his own MMA promotion in the wake of his latest “retirement“…well, just keep your expectations realistic, okay?

We first heard about this in yesterday’s installment of’s “Rumor Mill column, which was followed by longtime Diaz-documentarian LayzieTheSavage posting a link to RedditMMA:, which contains a logo for something called WAR Mixed Martial Arts, and a “Coming Soon” message. No other details are available at this time, but my God, imagine the possibilities.

It makes sense that Diaz would want to start his own fight club, considering how dissatisfied he’s always been with the Unified Rules, and the ways that the current rule-set can be exploited by weak-ass point-fighters and wrestlers. So what would Diaz’s brand-new MMA promotion actually look like? (Warning: Here come the jokes…)

- Each match will consist of a 10-minute opening round, a five-minute second round, then a 25-mile bike ride.

- No judges will be used, because it’s like, after a fight ends, everybody knows who won the damn fight.

- Since marijuana is not a performance-enhancing drug, it won’t be tested for during drug-screenings. All other drug-tests will be conducted by Nick Diaz just looking at you and deciding if you’re on steroids.

- Non-title fights will be held in a PRIDE-style ring. Title fights will be held later that night at the hospital.

- Even if they’re thrown unintentionally, there will be an automatic one-point deduction for superman punches.

Feel free to add your own WAR MMA rules in the comments section. In fact, screw it…best one by the end of the day gets a CagePotato t-shirt.

Cagepotato Comments

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suhas- May 16, 2013 at 7:27 am
upto I saw the paycheck saying $5715, I didn't believe neighbour truly erning money parttime from there pretty old laptop.. there uncles cousin had bean doing this for less than ten months and at present paid the debts on their mini mansion and bought a brand new BMW 5-series. this is where I went,
RSparrow- May 13, 2013 at 10:58 pm
In between rounds, both fighters slam a half glass of whiskey, (the same number of ounces as the round number), then they put a bat on the ground and spin around it as fast as they can until the full minute is up. As soon as the bell rings both fighters run at each other with the baseball bats. NOW THAT'S WAR MMA!
dranokills- May 13, 2013 at 10:22 pm
There will be media events, but no fighter will have to go. Instead he will be required to drive around all day with a camera, screaming obscenity's at other drivers and giving them the bird.
most importantly all fighters will be paid "for real dog, serious money", but no taxs will be discussed or removed.
Lastly , all pampered ass bitch ass champions who has everyone do everything for him will be called out, made fun of then fired.
hood77- May 13, 2013 at 8:26 pm
1-Rounds are 4:20.
2-No weed in your system, failed drug test.
3-Decision goes to who is less f'ed up.
4-Ronda Rousey is the ring girl, and armbars the loser.
5-Loser also gets smacked on the ass by Nate and his
stak- May 13, 2013 at 5:42 pm
How the hell is he going to run a business when he can barely handle running his own life?
Corysix6- May 13, 2013 at 3:08 pm

RSparrow- May 13, 2013 at 2:41 pm
The loser of the fight takes a giant load on the face by Fallon Fox. Period.
crappiefloper- May 13, 2013 at 2:04 pm
No little bitch shit. Any little bitch shit, you get the Fallon Fox treatment. Cause if you gonna act like a bitch, hommie you might as well be a bitch
warrior82- May 13, 2013 at 12:03 pm
#1 no spinng shit
#2 the fist round of the fight will begin at weigh ins
#3 at least one stockton slap must be issued to both fighters during the fight or be disquailified
#4 every fighter on the card must talk with a lisp to make the diaz bros feel normal
#5 judges will be anyone from cesar gracies camp
#6 every fighter must test positive for marijuana or be disquailified
#7 press conferences are not mandatory just talk shit on youtube to promote your fight
#8 if fighters are required to go to the hospital an additional 5 minute round will take effect immediately
#9 after each fight both camps must go into a full on brawl or the fighters camp who doesnt participate is disqualified
# 10 any kind of fast paced foot movement is considerd running and you will be called a pussy by steve mazagatti and disquailified
warrior82- May 13, 2013 at 1:17 pm
no spinning shit
warrior82- May 13, 2013 at 12:25 pm
oh i forgot a rule all fights will be called called by josh rosenthal because he will be the only ref stoned enough to call the fights and after the fights all marijuana purchases will be made to josh rosenthal

seriously i can do this shit all day

jayflo0808- May 13, 2013 at 11:59 am
Rule #1- Don't be scared homie
guerrero.brother1- May 13, 2013 at 11:43 am
Any type of promotion or pressconference is OPTIONAL for any fighter and the champions have the privilege to get pampered 'left and right' by the official Nick Diaz staff, without need of being wealthy.
porkin_ur_mom- May 13, 2013 at 11:12 am
All fights that are too close to call will go Tia sudden death overtime involving 3 massive bong hits and ONE set of nunchuks in the middle of the ring. Or some shit....
qwerty- May 13, 2013 at 10:38 am
All pre-fight pressers to be live streamed from a moving '91 Sunfire. Fighter Media Coaching courtesy of Dan Quinn.
WeTheCecilPeoples- May 13, 2013 at 10:00 am
There will be a No Motherfucking Pampering room where each fighter will go pre fight to get unpampered the fuck up. Machida on eyebrows, Tank Abbott conducting the warm up, and Neer for oral hygiene.
smellypiratehooker- May 13, 2013 at 9:54 am
All War MMA rules will fix the injustices that the fans and media have put on rules. But when those War rules are expected to take responsibility for what they are, and what they mean, they will cry that they were never really understood and respected. That they have been governing over the best competition and no one wants to give them their shot. When they do get implemented, they are found out to be less efficient and tough to make sense of.
Fried Taco- May 13, 2013 at 9:43 am
Oops, sorry, that was the wrong picture:
Fried Taco- May 13, 2013 at 9:43 am
The rules look good to me, but obviously it would be illegal in the USA. So all fights will be held on a giant raft off the coast of California, in neutral waters:
mr_popo0- May 13, 2013 at 9:31 am
Gracie camp fighters are automatic champions. Gil at 155. Nate at 163. Nick at 170. Jake at 185. And the only other fighter allowed to fight in the promotion is chris lytle
Imnotamoose- May 13, 2013 at 9:30 am
The winner of a fight is determined by like, you know, whatever, you know?
Casa de los pantelones- May 13, 2013 at 9:29 am
-Fighters are only allowed to choose one protective piece of equipment. Mouth piece or cup...what's it gunna be?

-No fighter is ever allowed to lift weights, ever.

-To reduce and possibly eliminate the chances of running or back peddling, the new ring dimensions will be 15ft long by 4ft wide.

-Kicking a downed opponent in the head is now legal. Kicking your opponent between rounds while he is sitting on his stool is bad ass.
phantom151- May 13, 2013 at 9:16 am
1 there will be no greasing
2 each fighter will take a shower in between rounds
3 superman punch = DQ
4 0 press confrences to media to promote
5 with every contract comes a gift card to H&R block
6 instead of touching gloves the fighters do the stockon hey buddy
7 there will be a pre fight scrum in the hotel to determine what corner gracie will be in.
8 and prior to every fight miller must come into the ring and say random crazy shit.
9 jake shields is in charge of all hand wrapps
10 if we are at a tie at the end of the fight...the 2 fighters will have a mountian bike race track to be set up by diaz himself
cman- May 13, 2013 at 9:06 am
Every semester of college completed is a point deduction.
Ceasar Gracie is required to hold no less than 4 positions in your management team.
Math test before every fight, passing is FAILING.
1 80s soulglo commercial lookalike and 1 mildly retarded white boy has to be in your posse
Any fighter shown to use 'strategy' or other bitch shit will be moved into the woman's division.
Complete coherent sentences frowned upon, articulation nullifies contracts, except with ceasar, you know, in case there's money coming and shit.
The12ozCurls- May 13, 2013 at 8:45 am
The12ozCurls- May 13, 2013 at 8:44 am
Losing fighters under the War MMA banner MUST hint at retirement (until their next fight is booked).
smellypiratehooker- May 13, 2013 at 8:42 am
All match-making will be determined in hotels. If one fighter wants to fight another, he will chase said fighter around the hotel until the other is forced to fight.