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Non-Expert MMA Picks: UFC 164 Edition

(We had no idea what picture to use for this post, but this one seems to work nicely. Be sure to check out Meerkatsu’s shop for plenty of other awesome jiu-jitsu artwork.)

Are “the experts” really more knowledgeable than anyone else in terms of predicting who will win a fight? That’s debatable, to say the least. Today we’re bringing in Adam Touchet – a college football blogger and the most casual of casual MMA fans – to see how his predictions hold up against what will actually happen on Saturday night. Read on for his picks, follow him on Twitter, and check out more of his work at what is possibly the least pretentious college football blog on the Internet,

I’ve spent my tiny broadcasting and show-business career trying to prove that just because you’re on television with a microphone it doesn’t make you an expert. What makes a guy who doesn’t even play a sport an “expert” at it, and what makes the “predictions” of the broadcasters presenting a sporting event to the masses any more valid than its rabid fan base?

Spoiler Alert: Nothing.

My knowledge of MMA is limited to Jim Norton being choked out by almost the entire UFC roster on the Opie & Anthony Show. My knowledge of specific fighters stops at Brock Lesnar and Ken Shamrock. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a Vince McMahon guy (Hi CM Punk!).

So when this fine world-wide-web destination asked me to choose who is walking out of UFC 164 a winner, I was ready to twerk a Miley Cyrus slug trail all over the #ThickeDicke that is Cage Potato. My picks are highly uninformed and shamelessly unfounded. However, “predictions” are conjecture and results are the truth.

Here are my predictions for the pay-per-view matches. I don’t see why I need to Zumba my way through the 17 hour preliminary event because Fox Sports 1 needs to justify its existence to our cable providers. By the way, is this event really being called the “Hometown Throwdown?” <sarcasm> Gee, I wonder why Dana White stopped naming these events </sarcasm>.

Benson Henderson (c) vs. Anthony Pettis

My first impression of Benson Henderson isn’t “Destroyer of Worlds”. He seems like a nice guy and has the appearance of someone who brings interesting conspiracies to The Joe Rogan Experience, and “Smooth” is always an unacceptable nickname for champion. All of my superficial gripes about the champ aren’t nearly as inexcusable as Pettis being the fourth best in the world according to a website whose rankings actually matter. What’s the deal, did someone get a concussion?

Having said all that, Henderson is Korean. I think Koreans are underrated. No, I won’t explain myself further. Zip up your amazingly boss satin tiger jumpsuit, I’m picking Henderson to retain the title.

Frank Mir vs. Josh Barnett

Here’s what I know: Mir beat Brock Lesnar. Has Barnett beaten John Cena or HHH lately? If you can bring me proof, then I could have a case for Josh Barnett.

By the way, how old are these gentlemen? You people wonder why MMA is illegal in Manhattan! Is it even legal, nay, moral, to put two men of a certain age into the cage? Holy crap, get Ray Romano, Scott Bakula & Kevin James on the phone; Men of a Certain Age IN THE CAGE is the no-brainer sequel to Here Comes the Boom. I can’t be bothered with fact-checking and research, because I need to check Scott Bakula’s availability in 2014. Frank Mir wins.

Chad Mendes vs. Clay Guida

Chad Mendes is part of Team Alpha Male. I already feel like he’s threatening my masculinity. Clay Guida doesn’t feel the need to intimidate me as a viewer, so he’s totally got this.

Ben Rothwell vs. Brandon Vera

I tried to learn more about this matchup, but Wikipedia fell asleep before it could try to explain why I should be excited about it. When in doubt, I pick who scares me the most. Ben Rothwell, you look like a grizzled trucker, before the FDA banned gas station amphetamines. You win, sir.

Erik Koch vs. Dustin Poirier

What kind of uninformed, babbling, self-aggrandizing sports analyst would I be if I didn’t take my hometown hero, Dustin Poirier? That’s my pick, because they’re going to say the name of my city on the TV box!

Do you understand how shameless you can truly be when you just call the elephant in the room? Take note ESPN, if you count your revenue dollars from big NCAA TV contracts while chastising student-athletes for disgustingly trumped-up violations, you won’t look like a bigger dunce than I did trying to predict the outcome of UFC 164.

For actual “expert” advice: Gambling Addiction Enabler: ‘UFC 164: Henderson vs. Pettis II’ Edition

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