After Kimbo Slice‘s scheduled boxing match against Mike Glenn fell through when Glenn didn’t send him the fight-footage he required — a rather unique thing for a fighter to have in his contract, but whatever — promoter Wes Slay has found a replacement opponent to throw them bungalows against the Miami Pound Machine tomorrow night. Slice will now be facing off against Brian Green, a middleweight MMA fighter with a record of 27-17. All of Green’s 27 victories have come by stoppage, with 22 by submission, which is completely irrelevant since this will be a boxing match. From what I can tell, Green doesn’t have any pro boxing experience, certainly not against guys who outweigh him by 40-50 pounds.
The match will go down Saturday evening at the “Fight Night Returns” MMA/boxing card at the O’Reilly Family Event Center in Springfield, Missouri. Assuming you have better things to do than watch the press-conference video above, we’ll break down the highlights for you:
0:08-0:12: I guarantee you that the white-haired old lady was only there for the free coffee at Reliable Chevrolet, and probably jumped out of her seat when Kimbo emerged from the back.
1:57-2:28: According to Slay, Brian Green is “one of the top, elite MMA fighters in all the world,” with a “winning record against fighters currently in the UFC.” Okay, this is kind of funny. Slay is technically correct, in that Green is 1-0 against active UFC fighters, with a 2006 armbar win over Nik Lentz. Against fighters who used to be in the UFC, he’s a somewhat-less-impressive 0-8, with losses to Brock Larson, Chad Reiner, Joe Vedepo, Paul Georgieff, Crafton Wallace, Rob Kimmons, Rory Markham, and Nick Thompson.
3:05-3:24: Kimbo sends out a tweet — “stuck n missuri surrounded by white ppl FML”
4:14-4:35: Brian Green compares himself to David (of David & Goliath fame). Does that mean he gets to bring a slingshot to the ring? Because otherwise, he’s fucked.
4:52-5:29: The Half Pint Brawlers are introduced to the crowd. An excited lady near the camera yells “Heck yeah! Yeah! Oh God, YEAH!” Nobody loves midgets more than that lady.
6:12-6:29: Kimbo Slice addresses the crowd with “Sup, Springfield.” And that’s it — that’s the extent of his verbal commitment for this press conference. “A man of few words,” deadpans Wes Slay.
After a 20-minute autograph signing, Kimbo left to go eat lunch, breaking the hearts of dozens of children. Don’t turn your back on Springfield, Ferg. That town will make you, and it can break you.