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NSAC to Begin Implementing Intensive Drug-Testing Procedures…on NSAC


(We hear that if you play that song backwards on loop, it lines up perfectly with the Wizard of Oz, maaaaaaan.)

Disclaimer: Guys, I am really digging the articles you’ve been sending in, but especially these Onion-style pieces ala “Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League.” Here is another such article that’s just as hilarious. — Jared

By CP Reader Scott Johnson

Off the heels of the major announcement made by the UFC last Wednesday, the Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) has decided to follow suit with a groundbreaking decision of their own. Beginning June 30th, NSAC will begin implementing a new drug testing policy upon itself in the hopes that it will curb the erratic, irrational behavior that has long plagued its decision making process. (See: everything from the past month)

The new policy will see representatives of the NSAC, which includes referees, judges and commission members, be subject to year round random drug tests as well as mandatory testing prior to any events or hearings. These new changes are expected to help to eradicate the poor decisions that have adversely affected all aspects of MMA.

“After reviewing the hearing that took place on February 17th of 2015, it was clear that changes needed to be made to ensure that the integrity and good name of the Nevada State Athletic Commission would remain intact,” said Francisco Aguilar without a hint of irony or self-awareness in his voice.

He continued, “What message would it send to the sports community if we had to admit that our drug testing had fallen so far behind that it made the UFC’s policies look progressive?”

Mr. Aguilar’s opinion on the initial outcome of this new policy mirrored that of UFC President Dana White’s statement from last week that things would most likely get worse before they got better.

We know that there will be an initial backlash from our representatives. I know for a fact that requiring the judges present at ringside to be sober at future events will present an issue as most of them don’t know much about the sport and show little to no interest in the events taking place in the cage.

“We are glad that the NSAC has chosen our facilities to provide their drug testing services,” said Dr. David “Tank” Throatkick, Chief Physician at the Foothills Anti-doping Research and Control Establishment and graduate of the highly vaunted Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.

“We remain on the edge of progressive anti-doping testing procedures by instituting the standard tests in place while researching new and inventive ways to identify any performance enhancing chemicals. To ensure the accuracy of our results we will be administering urine test as well as requesting samples of the subject’s blood, hair, saliva, snot, and semen.”

When summoned, members of the NSAC will be required to submit the necessary samples or be subject to penalties based on the egregiousness and recurrence the of the offense. Examples of these penalties will include (but not be limited to): fines, suspensions, required appearances on Ariel Helwani’s podcast, life coaching sessions with the Diaz brothers, mandatory attendance at Fox Sports 1 UFC events from prelim to main event and other terrible punishments.

“It’s about damned time!” proclaimed Joe Rogan, UFC color commentator, noted conspiracy theorist and alleged comedian. “Seriously, did you hear the things that were being said at that hearing? Placing microchips into the fighter’s gloves? It’s unreal! I’ve said some pretty wild shit on my podcast after a blaze session with Eddie but even I couldn’t believe the nonsense they were spouting.”

UFC President Dana White was equally jovial when discussing the decision, although it was difficult to tell at first due to the bitter hostility in his tone.

“This is the fucking best think the NSAC could have fucking done. Easily the best pound for pound fucking decision they ever made” said White. “It’s been the worst kept fucking secret in sports. Anyone could have fucking seen this fucking coming from the terrible judging to early stoppages to that stupid fucking shit Cecil Peoples does when starting a fight. Anyone who wants to be a part of making crucial decisions in officiating or regulating our sport will have to ask themselves the question “Do you want to be a fucking teetotaler?”‘

Upon the announcement of the new policy, the reinstatement application for refereeing on behalf of Josh Rosenthal was voluntarily rescinded by the applicant.

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