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Of Course Chael Sonnen Has a New Self-Help Book Coming Out

In case you were looking for a self-help book to pick up to aid you in keeping your New Year’s resolutions this year, Victory Belt Publishing has one you’re probably going to want to check out.

Apparently Chael Sonnen kept busy during his one-year suspension from fighting and he penned a new book, titled, “The Voice of Reason: A V.I.P. Pass to Enlightenment,” which he says touches on “physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology.” Knowing Chael, he probably just put his dust cover over “The Rock’s” biography and called it his own.

Here’s the description of the 320-page tome by Chael P. himself:

Presence. Tenacity. Insight. Omniscience. No need to look these words up. They are defined by yours truly. Who am I? I’m the one who needs no introduction, the walking thesaurus, the UFC’s most infamous and feared destroyer of men. I am Chael P. Sonnen, and you want to be just like me.

It’s your lucky day. What you are holding in your hands is nothing short of a V.I.P pass to enlightenment. In the coming pages my humor and tales of heroic adventure will baptize you in superhuman greatness. Allow me to carry you like a frail damsel as I make a nightmarish decent into the bowels of Sao Paulo. Sit before me as a student as I teach you about my plans of creating a Chaelocracy, which translates to “A Better Earth.” Shower me with praise as I take you into my manly mitts like a lump of seemingly worthless clay and craft you into something far better than yourself—me.

Like all great men of myth and legend, I strive for the betterment of the human race. Prometheus brought us fire; Dana White brought us the modern day gladiator; and I bring you a step-by-step guide to being just like me. Do you have what it takes? Is there truly a chance that one day you will be able to walk in my shoes? Purchase this book and find out. There is no better day to stop being you and start trying to be me.

You’re welcome civilization.

Not convinced? Here is some addition information you will glean from The Voice of Reason:

• Why Dance Dance Revolution is the national fighting style of Brazil.

• How vegans are ruining themselves and the world.

• Why you should never feed carrots to a school bus.

• Why you don’t need an athlete to be your hero.

• How fighters and fashion models have the exact same job.

• Why Republicans are more compassionate, pioneering, rebellious, and generally cooler than any liberal.

Inside this book I offer you my knowledge of physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology. Unless you are currently standing in the checkout line or speeding home, wanting to save my brilliance for when you are curled up in a recliner sipping on some tea, you have already failed at becoming something similar to me. Chael P. Sonnen knows what he wants and buys it. He doesn’t need a dust jacket to tell him a book is good. He can feel it.

We recommend Chael Check out our new self-help book, published by CP Press:

 

 

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Jason Moles- March 20, 2012 at 9:32 am
WANT! WANT! WANT!
Shaky- March 20, 2012 at 8:22 am
..I don't think Chael understands Physics, that's false advertising..so I'm going to leave this one. We know he struggles with Geometry (Triangles have 3 sides Chael)and leverage (Jiu Jitsu buddy, learn it). Actually, I don't think there is a Physicist amongst the whole Republican party. Physicists think on a big scale...not selfishly about their taxes.
IronClad- March 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Welp. J.Jones beat me to it. Chael should be in a some KSwiss adds along side Kenny Fucking Powers.
Seoul Brother- March 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm
That cover looks like a Garbage Pail Kid all grown up.
gpep- March 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm
sonnen is a riot.
Alan K- March 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm
They should put these in Happy Meals along with Nogueira black belts.
Crazy Croat- March 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm
check out cool MIR VS CAIN PREVIEW ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_HWyYEckG8
DARKHORSE06- March 19, 2012 at 11:59 am
I guaran-fucking-tee I will buy and read this masterpiece.
Tocool- March 19, 2012 at 11:53 am
I suspect the same people who bought that Chuck Norris facts book will buy this one. Idiots, I mean.
SnackDaddy- March 19, 2012 at 11:45 am
When i grow up i wanna be just like Chael.
Mike Russell- March 19, 2012 at 11:25 am
@The Mad Montrealer: You leave Brad and Angie's kids out of this.
The Mad Montrealer- March 19, 2012 at 11:15 am
"Allow me to carry you like a frail damsel as I make a nightmarish decent into the bowels of Sao Paulo."

He's like Maddox's retarded younger brother, he misspelled "descent".
Clyde- March 19, 2012 at 10:51 am
I also love the fact that he says we don't need an athlete for our hero, while writing a step by step guide to being like him. A text this long with such obvious contrdictions could easily form the basis of a new religion.
SethF- March 19, 2012 at 10:45 am
In honor of Chael, I am stealing Jared's joke.
J. Jones- March 19, 2012 at 10:30 am
I heard the original title of the book was set to be "You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In." Sadly, it was already taken.
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