(*sniffle*…and then…and then the bad man told me that i would never amount to anything, and that I had a big, stupid face…*begins bawling hysterically*)
Tito Ortiz is to conspiracy theories what Wilmer Valderrama is to “Yo Momma” jokes. A fun fact: After slipping on a patch of ice in his driveway and bruising his tailbone as a child, Tito Ortiz convinced himself that the residual water was left behind by an opposing wrestling team in an effort to take him out of the competition. Twenty-some odd years later…crab people. The HAARP Machine? Started by Ortiz to explain his loss to Frank Shamrock at UFC 22. Zeitgeist? A Tito Ortiz production attempting to write off his performance at UFC 44. And don’t even get Tito started on that completely flawed Magic Loogie theory.
Anyways, we haven’t heard much from Tito since he dropped a close decision to longtime rival Forrest Griffin in his retirement fight at UFC 148. Unfortunately, Ortiz recently emerged from hiding to take one final dump on the promotion that made him the man he is today (and a boatload of cash to boot), throwing everyone from Joe Rogan to Dana White under the bus along the way.
Video after the jump.
For your entertainment/convenience, we’ve provided a transcript of Ortiz’s latest conspiracy below (starts around the 4:40 mark, via GroundandPoundTV) along with our running commentary:
I thought I won the fight. When you drop a guy twice, when you take a guy down four times and you dominate by doing it…he never took me down, he never hurt me.
Fair enough; you think you won the fight, and you cited a few examples to make your case. So far, so good, although the “he never hurt me” mantra is about as used up as, well…
Go back and watch the fight. For the first time ever in UFC history, they showed strikes attempted. Not strikes landed, strikes attempted. When do you ever show someone with strikes attempted?
He never hit me, I blocked all of them. I checked all of his kicks.
Well that, that is just an outright lie. For proof of this, follow either of the links in the previous paragraph.
And I listen to Joe Rogan and it was like a one-sided fight that he was watching. I gave him shit on the phone one time because of it and when we did the podcast he kind of side-winded around it and never got to those questions. But he said, “Look at the leg kicks that Forrest is hitting him with.” I checked all of them. My shin, I had a chipped bone on the tip of it because I checked all of his kicks.
…and after [Forrest ran] out of the fight, that shows that he lost.
*checking unified rules of mixed martial arts* Nope, it doesn’t. It’s kind of like how the judges don’t pick a winner based on who raises their hands first after a fight either.
…and for Dana to go back and run and get him and to come back, there’s something fishy going on here. How does Dana know how the match is gonna turn out? I thought something was fishy about that. Was it premeditated? Was it pre………….planned out, what the answer was gonna be? If I didn’t knock him out or submit him, they knew who was gonna win. And it’s too bad for my fans.
You know, all Tito needs are a few more public speaking classes and a sweet rattail and we’ve got ourselves a future TruTV host. And you have to love how he tacks on the “for my fans” spiel at the end to ensure that no one forgets that awesome new nickname of his.
It bothered me really bad, but I went out the way I wanted to. I went out swinging, I went out on my shield and I held my shield up like no other.
This just in: Tito Ortiz to host a seminar this summer. The topic: Using repetitive metaphors and confusing non-sequiturs to make your point.
Ortiz goes on to make his usual list of post-fight excuses: bum knee, ruptured disks, new injuries that prevented him from training, etc. before stating that “he doesn’t look for excuses.” They sure seem to find him, though.
Excuses: They’re great, as long as you don’t think about them.