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Oh Great, Now Tito Ortiz Thinks the UFC Rigged His Retirement Fight at UFC 148

(*sniffle*…and then…and then the bad man told me that i would never amount to anything, and that I had a big, stupid face…*begins bawling hysterically*) 

Tito Ortiz is to conspiracy theories what Wilmer Valderrama is to “Yo Momma” jokes. A fun fact: After slipping on a patch of ice in his driveway and bruising his tailbone as a child, Tito Ortiz convinced himself that the residual water was left behind by an opposing wrestling team in an effort to take him out of the competition. Twenty-some odd years later…crab people. The HAARP Machine? Started by Ortiz to explain his loss to Frank Shamrock at UFC 22Zeitgeist? A Tito Ortiz production attempting to write off his performance at UFC 44. And don’t even get Tito started on that completely flawed Magic Loogie theory.

Anyways, we haven’t heard much from Tito since he dropped a close decision to longtime rival Forrest Griffin in his retirement fight at UFC 148. Unfortunately, Ortiz recently emerged from hiding to take one final dump on the promotion that made him the man he is today (and a boatload of cash to boot), throwing everyone from Joe Rogan to Dana White under the bus along the way.

Video after the jump. 

For your entertainment/convenience, we’ve provided a transcript of Ortiz’s latest conspiracy below (starts around the 4:40 mark, via GroundandPoundTV) along with our running commentary:

I thought I won the fight. When you drop a guy twice, when you take a guy down four times and you dominate by doing it…he never took me down, he never hurt me. 

Fair enough; you think you won the fight, and you cited a few examples to make your case. So far, so good, although the “he never hurt me” mantra is about as used up as, well…

Go back and watch the fight. For the first time ever in UFC history, they showed strikes attempted. Not strikes landed, strikes attempted. When do you ever show someone with strikes attempted?

My guess would be when you land roughly half as many strikes of your opponent and are so gassed by the end of the third round that you are using your face to block said opponent’s punches.

He never hit me, I blocked all of them. I checked all of his kicks. 

Well that, that is just an outright lie. For proof of this, follow either of the links in the previous paragraph.

And I listen to Joe Rogan and it was like a one-sided fight that he was watching. I gave him shit on the phone one time because of it and when we did the podcast he kind of side-winded around it and never got to those questions. But he said, “Look at the leg kicks that Forrest is hitting him with.” I checked all of them. My shin, I had a chipped bone on the tip of it because I checked all of his kicks.  

True, Joe Rogan has come under fire for his “biased” commentary on several occasions, but it should be known that what Tito Ortiz considers a chipped bone is what the rest of us consider a “boo-boo.”

…and after [Forrest ran] out of the fight, that shows that he lost. 

*checking unified rules of mixed martial arts* Nope, it doesn’t. It’s kind of like how the judges don’t pick a winner based on who raises their hands first after a fight either.

…and for Dana to go back and run and get him and to come back, there’s something fishy going on here. How does Dana know how the match is gonna turn out? I thought something was fishy about that. Was it premeditated? Was it pre………….planned out, what the answer was gonna be? If I didn’t knock him out or submit him, they knew who was gonna win. And it’s too bad for my fans. 

You know, all Tito needs are a few more public speaking classes and a sweet rattail and we’ve got ourselves a future TruTV host. And you have to love how he tacks on the “for my fans” spiel at the end to ensure that no one forgets that awesome new nickname of his.

 It bothered me really bad, but I went out the way I wanted to. I went out swinging, I went out on my shield and I held my shield up like no other. 

This just in: Tito Ortiz to host a seminar this summer. The topic: Using repetitive metaphors and confusing non-sequiturs to make your point.

Ortiz goes on to make his usual list of post-fight excuses: bum knee, ruptured disks, new injuries that prevented him from training, etc. before stating that “he doesn’t look for excuses.” They sure seem to find him, though.

Excuses: They’re great, as long as you don’t think about them.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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catshittacos- April 10, 2013 at 6:22 am
AT least he didnt take and post another dick pic-
google- April 10, 2013 at 6:20 am
I went out on my shield

am i wrong here, or is it suppose to be sword? i have heard him say this many times. I could swear its sword and not shield.
VLKX- April 10, 2013 at 2:24 pm
It's shield, from Sparta:

? ??? ? ??? ???
?? t??n ?? epì tâs
"Either [with] it [your shield], or on it"
Meaning "either you will win the battle, or you will die and then be carried back home on your shield".
It was said by Spartan mothers to their sons before they went out to battle to remind them of their bravery and duty to Sparta and Greece. A hoplite could not escape the field of battle unless he tossed away the heavy and cumbersome shield. Therefore losing one's shield meant desertion. (Plutarch, Moralia, 241)
WarpedAcorn- April 10, 2013 at 5:38 am
As much as I dislike Tito (and I do dislike Tito), I did have him winning that fight. It was a close fight no doubt, but I thought he outperformed Griffin. I was surprised when the judges rendered their decision, but also not that surprised because judges are weird. I don't think it was a conspiracy, just normal MMA judging that usually equates to flipping a coin.
Mr_Misanthropy- April 9, 2013 at 11:09 pm
PS- Dana was in Playboy? Gross!
Mr_Misanthropy- April 9, 2013 at 10:56 pm
It is amazing such an enormous head can be filled with so very little. Universe, you baffle me.
IAMCagePotatoesREGRESSION- April 9, 2013 at 7:24 pm
Did he seriously just imply that Anderson Silva and GSP take care of his retirement fund because he paved the way for them? He must already be broke. God, he has to realize how pathetic he comes off
Stranglaitis- April 9, 2013 at 5:59 pm
He switched his nickname again to Tito "Dr. Suess" Ortiz because they both love telling fictional stories and are leaders for people, even if the people live on a speck of dust
algiersheadkick504- April 9, 2013 at 3:43 pm
Ohh and probably the most hysterically worst commentating jobs ever....lemme tell yu how yur feeling right now.
algiersheadkick504- April 9, 2013 at 3:38 pm
He made his career smashing ken shamrock three times and having chuck Liddell bash his giant fucking head in twice...legend
El Guapo- April 9, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Tito- "President Mr. George, it's an honored to speak with your presence. I never would have thought I'd be the American President. And of the U.S.A. as well. To speak with you makes it even that much more reality. Wow, it's really an especially feeling."
Bush- "Well, Titor, I truly appreciate your true appreciation of my presidency. We both faced challenges in our jobs. Your job and my job. The job at hand and the jobs of the past. We have a saying in Texas- you being from California I may need to translate it. We're both domestic, Texas and California, but we speak different. The same language can be different in different times zones."
Fried Taco- April 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm
What is he really thinking in that pic? "Glad I didn't trim my nails, otherwise I wouldn't be able to reach that one stuck way up in there!"
El Guapo- April 9, 2013 at 3:01 pm
I would suggest CP give Tito a weekly column but he's much better when he has a microphone in his face. Not sure who has "better" quotes but DAMN I'd pay good money to listen to Tito and George W have a debate about... Anything, really. A book of Tito-isms would be gold. Gold, I tells ya!
teep- April 9, 2013 at 2:52 pm
Tito is just lonely and needs attention because Jenna was arrested for assault this weekend. I would assault him too if it made him stop whining.
Darkside- April 9, 2013 at 2:50 pm
Those are some MANLY TEARS! Go 'head, Carvelle...
danomite- April 9, 2013 at 2:49 pm
I haven't clicked on the video, but is that Dave Attell conducting the interview?
HandsofGold- April 9, 2013 at 2:49 pm
Is anyone else sick of hearing this faggot talk about oh my neck surgery, my knee surger, my back surgery.... They guy was a champion back when the competition was wack. He isn't even a top 15 fighter, Forrest beat him, a real champion doesn't carry excuses around with them. Weak Sause!
whatchawhozeit- April 9, 2013 at 2:39 pm
Tito will never change. Hopefully these will be the last two words I ever waste on him........FUCK TITO.